I miss my blog!

I know everyone gets worried when I don't write in a while, and I don't want anyone to worry! I am doing fine. No call yet, and nothing else to report.

Things have been busy I feel, may be due to my going to physio twice a week at TGH, or with Scarlett growing in her little milestones. We had a doctor visit this week and our little girl is not so little. 11lbs 12oz. Yeah we know. No need to say it. 97th percentile. This is certainly something that you aim to be in the 50th percentile range, but hey, this is how she rolls!! Our Scarlett likes to eat and sleep, and as I said is a previous post, has not yet learned how to burn some of that off. Again, we're not complaining, more like finding her mildly amusing. She is, as a result, one of the most cuddly babies you can imagine. All pudge and smiles. Yes there have been smiles, looking around at mommy, daddy, and grandma, and a strong love affair with her soother. Everyday I feel like she's bigger, happier, and stronger. She keeps her head up when we're on the bed together and we're tummy to tummy, looking at me. She's one strong kid. Just how we like 'em!

We also got her sitting in her Hushamok, that just arrived last week after a 4 month waiting time. But it came just in time for her to hang out in it. She loves it. It's in the kitchen where she can watch my mom cook or prepare bottles. I think she looks hilarious in it!! Picture below:

(Scarlett thinking she's pretty cool)

So there you have it. Our little one month old, nearly 12 pound baby!! Who would have guessed it. She is by far the best baby I could have ever have imagined having. It makes me smile just writing about. Everyday she becomes more and more like a little person and less and less like a baby. Which is funny to say, since she's a month old, but it's true. She's developing ways that she looks at me, or parts of her personality shine through, and I think to myself, that was another day of her life. Wow.

The other day I was think about the future, and I pictured Scarlett thinking about her past one day. It will happen. One day Scarlett will be sitting in her dorm room, or in her apartment, or in her house, or at her boyfriends house, or with her husband on a family vacation, and she will think about the story of her life. Experience tells me this will happen. We all do it, sit back a few times (or many times) in our lives and reflect. Something grasps us, and we think of something and we wonder how that part of our undiscovered lives felt like. These days I look at Scarlett and I wish she was old enough for me to tell her the million things that I want her to know. About what her mommy and daddy are going through right now, the fight that we have encountered, and will continue to cope with for the rest of our lives. I know that one day when she does start to think about it, I will be there to tell her so many things, and when I am not there her dad will be. There will also be my writing. Lots of it. She will know everything. But I still think there were things I could explain, now, that I will let go of, then. I think most people if they were to explain to their children something when their children were babies, the explanation would be quite different than later in life, may be simply due to the passage of time. May it's a way to only remember the good stuff, not dwell on the hard times. I don't know, but whatever it is, that's why I am writing.

When I write this blog, I often write to someone....but to whom? I sometimes write to the blog world, but in reality more friends and family read this than strangers. And really, I don't write for strangers, no matter how much I love and have grown to rely on the friendship of people I have never met. I feel silly writing in the old school way, the dear diary type of way, it never felt normal to me to write to a diary fairy...or book, or whatever that being was to be on the other side. Anyhow, the more I thought about it, and re-read my older posts (before the talk of Scarlett being Scarlett, or tx for that matter) I always get the sense I am writing to my child or children. I am almost certain there will be more. So, from now on I will write to Scarlett. I think this will allow me to say more, be more focused, and feel more of a purpose to my day. I want to write Scarlett about today, as tomorrow is uncertain. So when she has those moments in time later on in her life, when she's thinking about her life, this part of the story is quite a lot more clear to her. Since I told it to her right from the very beginning of her life. The reason I have decided to keep this public, is simply that I don't want to stop this blog, but I feel that if I start to write only for Scarlett I will be too tired to write things twice. We'll see.

Scarlett Update and more

There she is, our little monkey. She's growing like crazy, up to 10.7 lbs right now. This might have something to do with the fact that she's figured out that moving or crying burns calories. Since she never cries, and only moves to stretch (I might be exaggerating slightly, but only slightly) and thus has taken well to gaining weight. Not that we're complaining. We're not. She's healthy, alert, happy, and generally when you see her, you get the sense that she's content.

Scarlett loves to hang out with me, on a pillow next to me in bed. I'm in bed a lot, so it suits us both. But if not with me, she's upstairs in her crib. Has slept in her crib since day 1, and loves it. She's independent, and lets us know via monitor when she needs to eat. The funny part, is that once we call out we're coming, or enter the room she usually stops fussing. We think she's a genius because of this. Please, don't burst our bubble....we can't help it we think she's a genius!!

Other than that life continues to roll on. Being on the list is fine, nothing has changed. You'd think I'd be more calm, but I am not. I am anxious. I don't know how long I can last like this. I know it will get worse, and I am scared to suffer more. I am more scared of suffering than dieing, I don't know why. Of course logically that's not the case, I will suffer to the end of the universe and back to ensure that I will be here to see my daughter grow up. But the reality sometimes is that I can only take so much. I recognize that now. There is a limit. I have not reached it yet. I always thought there was no limit, but I know there is. That's why there's transplant. I guess that's part of recognizing limitations.

My health may be slipping, but it seems like people are reaching out more and more. We get packages for Scarlett nearly daily. From people we don't know, from family, from friends, from all over! We are in awe of the generosity, thoughtfulness, and sheer renentlessness of people. We're thinking of you, people are saying, and that lifts me up. It's amazing, and I have no doubt this will carry me right to the operating table. There is such a power in thought, prayer, energy, all of it. I believe it, since I can feel it! Thank you to everyone who has reached out, be it a phone call, email, note, card, facebook...whatever. I am amazed and inspired by your love.

Keep reading out there. I am here, I am strong, and I know when that call comes I will make everyone out there proud.

Lovely pictures

As promised here are the pictures. They are lovely. Jennifer did a great job.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=111139&id=541641274&l=5da32acab9

Surrogacy questions, enough.

Where does time go....2 weeks. Scarlett is so big and strong and we are just shocked at how time has flown. She had slowed down a bit with the eating...which is good since at that rate we were worried we were going to have a blimp for a baby. She is 9lbs now, from the 8lbs 3 oz. that she was when she left the hospital. So things are right on track. She sleeps 5 hours at night, has a feeding early morning, and then another 4-5 hours. So needless to say we're thrilled. I think Scarlotzka knows mommy is almost on the tx list and needs her rest. Even though my mom does nights, I would be up if Scarlett was up.


I think about our surrogacy journey all the time. How amazing it was. It gets better and better as I think about it. Since we decided to go this route, we did not encounter one wrinkle, one obstacle, seems like we have enough of those in everyday life Martin and I. Getting listed for transplant has been one thing after the next, but getting Scarlett into our lives was perfect. I feel like she is my miracle. Her presence in this house has lifted up all of us more than we expected. Not that we're miserable people, we're not, but she just brings so much love and happiness to us. I can be in the worst pain in the morning, and my mom will bring her down for me to see and feed, and I just melt. How can I not smile. She does her little lazy stretches as I change her diaper and I kiss her little feet and face and she makes my morning.


The connection that I have with my daughter is not arbitrary. It's not because she's here and I have her, so I will love her. I loved her from the second that I saw the top of her head coming out during labour. I looked at her and I felt it, she was my daughter, Martin's daughter. It was instinctual, it was spiritual, it was biological. When we decided to go with surrogacy, I contended with the fact that I might lose some connection due to the fact that I was not carrying. But I had no choice, and I was okay with that loss. I had no idea how it would all go. Neither did Beth I don't think. But both Beth and I learned so much about that connection. Beth felt physically pregnant, but not emotionally. I did not feel physically pregnant, but emotionally I was more and more pregnant as the weeks and months went on. By the time Scarlett was in my arms, I was ready for her and she fit into my arms as if she just came out of my uterus. I knew what to do, she was happy to be in my arms, and I knew right then that I lost nothing and gained everything. I know that people don't understand that, not everyone has to, and that the most common question about all that we went through now that we have our daughter is about Beth's connection to Scarlett and her ability to give her up....I just wish people would stop asking me that. I try to explain, but people don't want to hear it. The people that ask seem to want me to say that I had to rip Scarlett out of the arms of our surrogate, and that I felt no connection to my daughter. That's what people seem to want to hear. It is not the truth, and when you listen the stories of other mothers that used surrogates, they will tell you the same thing. It's incredible, and they know they're children immediately and they love their children immediately. It's an incredible thing.


I am not insecure about it. I will never lie about it. I am proud of Beth and I. I am proud of Martin and Don. I am proud of all of it. But now that Scarlett is here and we're taking care of her and growing with her, I wish people would stop asking questions that are made to question the process, or myself, or Beth and her family. I am waiting for the day that I lose my patience. And of course I don't want to do that, with anyone.


On a totally different and much lighter note, we had a photographer take Scarlett's pictures last weekend and I cannot wait to get them back. I will post them as soon as I have them. This lovely lady has also agreed to help me document my transplant journey from start to finish. Something that I am very excited about. Both for my blog, as well as an album that I will put together about the process. I will then print the blog and the pictures for Scarlett (and us) for the future. This project will be amazing I think. I want it to be as detailed as possible when it comes to the medical aspect of the tx and the recovery. I think Jenn will do a great job!

Scarlett's getting bigger, I'm getting smaller...

Today was a clinic day. I lost weight, and gained some pretty awful joint pain. Over the past week or so, my hands and ankles are in terrible pain, at times being frozen with swelling and pain. The explanation I got for this was that sometimes people with CF when they have a lung infection experience arthritis. I have experienced this before, but never enough to do anything about it. The pain was usually in one finger of the left hand and I never really thought about it. Recently I have been noticing more and more swelling in my hands. A few nights ago I could not open or close my hands, I have in a great deal of pain.

I have some pain killers and anti inflammatory drugs for my hands, and these help the symptoms. I have also been able to do extra physio and masks to allow me to breathe better, since I have had a pretty rough go during the last few days. Things seem to be stable again. But I certainly see that things can get much worse within a day or two, and my breathing gets frighteningly shallow and panicked.

Today I also had to go to TGH and do my final blood work. The vaccines are all done, and looks like those results should be in soon. Once they are, I'll get an appointment with a surgeon and get listed. Phew, that's all I want right now, to get listed. The pain, from my lungs, my back and my joints is getting to be too much for me, and I am ready to say goodbye to these lungs.

Growing, eating, changing. The first week.

We are in baby heaven. Scarlett is growing.....out of her 4oz bottles. That was a great 7 day investment!! Anyhow, large bottles are next. She needs to slow down, we're not ready for these changes.

She is still surprising us every day with how she loves to eat and sleep. But we are really noticing some changes in her during the past few days. She is opening her eyes more and lifting her little head. She's got these fantastic rolls on her little legs and arms, and is just hilarious!! Scarlett is really starting to look at us more, and for longer time periods. One morning I looked at her and she had changed so much, and I think that's amazing, in 1 weeks time. We can only imagine what's to come.

We have had many visitors to see baby Scarlett, and many gifts from people that have never met her, but only know us through my blog. I have sent out thank you cards to everyone, but would like to say thank you again here, thank you everyone for your support. How amazing is it that there are so many special people out there thinking of us. Thank you.

Since I'm already thanking people, I might as well thank the people that are sucha help right now. My mom has been amazing. Little Scalrlett is very lucky to have a babcia like her!! My dad, John and Angie are my amazing family. They are wonderful. Martin's family has been very supportive too. Visiting little Scarlett and welcoming her to the Ritchie family. Our pedietrician Dr.L has been to the house already once (and at the clinic once for her first check up), when we called her about Scarlett's umbilical cord. It's fine by the way, we're just crazy parents!! She is amazing! We love her. She has a good laugh at us, being first time parents, but is just so valuable to us. We are excited to have her in our life. Other than that, we literrally have dozens of people that I think of and want to thank every day. It seems like people are reaching out so much, and being so kind and excited for us, that it feels like many people out there have been waiting for Scarlett to arrive. I love that. I will make sure she knows it when she's older, how much she was wanted.

Above anything and anyone else, my friend Beth is still primary on our mind. My dad and I were talking about her and her family the other day, we think so much of her. We are still in awe of her, and will continue to be, when Scarlett is 1 month, 1 year, or when she is all grown up.

5 day old baby Scarlett

Little Scarlett is doing really well. Happy happy baby.

She eats 4oz every 4 hours, and pretty much sleeps all night. So her grandma is happy, since she lets her sleep, only to wake up for her 3am feed. We're all happy with that arrangement, and as a result feel great, and we're really calm, and no one is over worked. Martin is off work for a while to stay with Scarlett, so between my mom on nights, and myself and Martin during the day, we're one big happy family.

Martin surprised me with the Stork in front of our house. It's funny. He loves it. We live on the intersection of a busy street, and people honk and he thinks it 's the best thing that ever happened! That's so Martin, and I love him for it. He's so proud.

Below are some new pics. We thank you all for your kind words. I feel like by thinking all those amazing thoughts, our friends, family, and blog buddies, have helped us along this time. And as a result I feel closer to everybody! We did it! And the future looks brighter than ever!

Today I am well and happy and in love with my family. I sit here with Scarlett in her Bassinet and me on the bed typing away, and I think life is SO good.

Oh, and some fantastic news for the blogger world. My brother John and Angie are expecting a baby!! I have been keeping this secret for quite some time now, and am now allowed to tell the world!! They are due in November and are having a girl!! Scarlett will have a little cousin of the same age. How cool is that?!

Scarlett 5 days old

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2712921&l=01862d095f&id=541641274

We've got ourselves a sleeper.....so far =)

I still have no words, but I have to find them. I have to write this down. Get it down on paper so I will never forget how it all went down.

First off, I have to say, we have a good baby. and when I say good baby, I don't mean good baby, mean GOOD baby. We're slightly freaked out by it. She sleeps. eats like a little monster, and then sleeps more like she just ran a marathon. We're all resting lots. My mom is here for night duty. Martin and I are days. Marty is super dad, I knew he would be, but it's still great to see. He's a pro?! I think he's been practicing all these months!!

So I need to write down how Scarlett came into this world. I will try my best to capture what it was like. It will be hard to do any justice to it all.

We were supposed to induce July 21st. That was the plan. But I was nervous about it. Not because I didn't want Scarlett to be born out of town, I did not care, but because I am so dependant on IV's, oxygen, meds, blah blah blah.....near home I can function. Away, I fall apart. So when it got close to the induction date, I started to panic a bit. I didn't sleep well, called my oxygen company and had a hard time communicating to them what I needed from them. Tons of things. Then on Thursday, Beth emailed me that she was at the OBGYN in St.Thomas and she said that she was 4cm dilated. Cervix was hard, but still 4cm?! That totally made me panic.

Beth and I decided that I was going to call Martins dad (who's an OBGYN at Mt.Sinai) and ask him what to do. Should be go in early? So I did call, and Dr.Ritchie called our doctor, Dr.S and we went from there. After some conversation and the panic that everyone heard in my voice, and that I certainly heard from Beth (who was worried that she would go into labour and we would miss it) we all decided that Beth and her husband Don were going to come to Toronto that night! What?! We were so excited!!

They arrived July 17th at 1am, and we all made our way to Mt.Sinai. I was just relieved that Beth was in Toronto, we were all there, so far so good. By 2am we were in our delivery room (a large lovely room where we would all make ourselves at home for quite some time!) and ready to go. Well, not really. Dr.S started the induction, and well, we just hung out. Soon they rolled in a bed for me to sleep on (though I did not sleep at all but I gave my back a break) and large chairs for Martin and Don to lounge in. Martin got some sleep, Don too. But generally we were all awake. Nothing was happening. Beth got an epidural super early, and she was having contractions within a few hours. She felt nothing, except for slight pressure and cramping, and was loving the epidural, and we were thrilled for that!! I was so thrilled!! I did not want to see her in pain.

I did go home at 6am to do some Iv's, and returned to the hospital for 8am. Beth was about 5cm then, and progressing nicely. But generally this was not visible labour. Beth was speaking normally and in and out of a restful half sleep.

At this point in time, our doctor went home (which we were a little disappointed about since he was the one that saw us in clinic and I knew him from my pre-pregnancy infertility days) but we knew the staff there were amazing. The doctor that we got was delightful!! We thought we loved Dr.S, but Dr. W was so kind, so sweet! We just loved him. He took Martin and I aside at one point when we were out in the hallway after a quick meal, and told us that it will be a magical experience. That it will be 'magical, so lets all go in there and make it happen, it will be special'. We were moved by his ability to understand that we were not only having a baby, we were about to experience a dream that Martin and I never thought would happen. He saw this in our faces and I thought the pep-talk was special.

At 1:30pm, we got really tired and kinda lost momentum. Things were not changing that much. We were at 6-7cm, but still far. My family was all trying to hold off from coming right away, but eventually they could not stand it any longer, and we thought it was a good time to have some lunch downstairs. Don and Beth encouraged us to go, and said that they would call if anything happened. So off we went. We met my mom, John (my brother) and Angie (sister-in-law) and had something to eat. We were all very excited. Just when we were done eating, Don called. "The show is about to start" he said. We rushed upstairs. It was 2:30pm

When we walked passed the nursing station, the electronic chart on the wall, flashed "10cm" next to Beth's name. That was fast!! We were ready to go.

When we got to the room, Beth was visibly uncomfortable. The doctor was at the foot of her bed, and there were three nurses mulling around. They told us to move close, we were ready to push.

The rest is a bit of a blur for me. For all of us for sure. When we first looked, Scarlett's head was already there, showing. Martin and I were captivated. I started to sob. Martin moved next to me and held me, we held on tight. Don coached Beth through a series of pushes. I can't tell you if it was 2 in total, or 3, but it was not many. Little Scarlett slid right out, 2:58pm. Emotional and exhausted, Beth looked at me and said, "she's beautiful!" and I said "I know!!" Beth was crying, we were so connected in that moment. I will never forget it. In that split second Beth understood my pain. All of it. In her eyes she understood my pain due to infertility, due to missing out on carrying my child, and she understood the years of pain that CF has been. And somehow, she took it all away from me. With one look, Beth gave me Scarlett, and took my pain away.

Scarlett was at the foot of the bed, crying and pink! So pink! She was big too!! Perfect. Martin and I cut the cord like a couple would cut a wedding cake. Together. The staff then wrapped her up, and I sat down in the lounger and held her. She was marvelous! A little Narty! (I know, it's silly, but she is, a Nat-Marty!!)

We then took her over to weigh her and check her out. 8lbs. 10 oz! Yup, we were expecting a big baby! She stopped crying then, and has yet to really let out a cry. She just stared at us for the next little while, or slept. And we marvelled at her. Beth was taken care of by Dr.W, who told us that he had to really make sure that Beth was okay before she went home, since she's birthed 7 babies. He took his time, and Beth was well. She looked so happy, and content, and just watched us in delight.

After a few hours, after my family came and just could not get enough of our newest family member (especially my dad!), the nurse came in and told me that my room upstairs was ready. It was kinda neat, to feel like a mommy that just delivered her baby. I got a hospital bracelet that matched Scarlett's, and a gown, and was wheeled upstairs holding my bundle of joy. The nurse pushing me whispered to me at one point..."it looks just like you gave birth to her....only all the other mom's are jealous at how thin you are!!" She was a sweet woman, that wanted me to have the full experience. When rolling through the halls, people glanced my way, and looked at my baby, and smiled. It was cool. I was happy.

From there, things went well. Scarlett had to stay an extra night under the light for elevated jaundice levels. But they were fine the next day. Martin and I fumbled around with the car seat, and Scarlett looked at us warily, but that was our only pitiful parent moment....other than that it's been quite smooth.

Details will come to me here and there. This is what I remember now.

I am filled with love, and happiness. I am filled with hope, strength, and gratitude. I believe anything can happen, even when things don't go as planned. I believe she was meant to be my daughter, my little Scarlett, and she was meant to come into this world as she did, not birthed by me, but by Beth. I believe that life has to be as it is, filled with the horror of illness and sadness, in order for such moments of love and serenity to exist. At least it had to be that way in my life, and I am grateful for that. It's okay with my now. It never has been before, but now it is okay. God wanted me to have it all, but in order to give me everything, I had to have CF and go through what I have. Today I would not change a thing. Not a thing. In time, I will be listed for transplant, and I will get my new lungs, and that will be my next chapter. But today, I would not change a thing.

Scarlett Anna Ritchie

There are not enough spaces on this page to describe the way it felt to see our daughter Scarlett come into this world. I could try, and I will, once we have some time, and once I find the words.

Scarlett came into the world on July 17th, 2009, at nearly 3pm. She was a beautiful 8lbs. 10oz. Lots of dark hair and an apgar score of 9/9. She looked up at her mommy and daddy and stole our hearts forever.

We will be forever in awe of our wonderful friend Beth.

(kisses from daddy)

More pics http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=107913&id=541641274&l=ce6af089bb

She's coming!!

We decided last night that since Beth was 4cm at her OBGYN appointment yesterday that we should induce earlier than expected. So we got to the hospital at 1am, and we're not waiting. We slept a bit, and it's all been great so far.

She's coming!!

Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers!! Especially Beth that is doing a fantastic job!

Just a few more days

During the past few days I have been starting to feel better after the IV switch over. My lungs feel more clear, I am able to do more, my stomach is still taking a hit, but that's just par for the course. Every day passes slowly as we wait for Scarlett to arrive. We are more than ready, we want her here.

As of now it looks like things are exactly like we planned them. Which is quite a feat, planning the birth of a baby around so many factors. I wanted to make sure that I was on this new IV medication, and we got that done. It was such a flawless process that I was shocked. We also wanted to give me some time to let them start working. If Scarlett arrived a few days ago when I had all that pain, fever, and cough, it would not have been an enjoyable experience at all. So we feel very lucky. May be Scarlett knows how fragile her mama is and is trying to be helpful with the timing of her arrival. =) Or we're just very lucky!!

I feel much better overall and am back to a stable place right now. I got some Tylenol 3's from the clinic on Tuesday, and that 's great to have in case the pain is very bad again. I have not used them yet, but I don't want to be at a point that I am in tears due to pain. It's very hard on me. This will help for sure.

We have done all the last little things that were on my list. We installed a beautiful air conditioner on the top floor of the house, which was kinda the last thing for Scarlett. Since we have never used the top floor, we have not done it while living here for the past 3 years. The 2nd and main floor have their own units, and the house is nice and cool. It was a big job, but we're glad we did it. Scarlett and any of her future brothers and sisters will love it up there.

Aside from the air con, I ordered the birth announcement from http://www.tinyprints.com/. Tiny Prints are amazing! It's where I get all my invites and cards from. I love them. So I pre-ordered the envelopes, and all I have to do is upload Scarlett's picture and off they can be mailed.

We still have to set a Christening date, but we have time for that. We would prefer a late fall date. That will be an amazing day too.

So, we're ready. I have formula, diapers (so cute, so little), and wipes, Penaten. All that we need to take care of little Scarlett. I am curious about how big she will be. It's all so exciting.

Not feeling that well.

The past few days have been pretty brutal. I have been feeling lots and lots of pain, accompanied with terrible side effects from the IV's. The result is not good. The pain comes and goes, so do the pain killers. May be that's why the pain comes and goes. I have never needed to medicate this much, but it's to the point that I can't function at all. I have not left the house in days, and every attempt to results in a rush home since the pain returns or I am really short of breath. Either way I'm waiting for it to pass. It always does to some extent.

Beth has been tired, and has had pain. She feels that the cramps she's experiencing are earlier than when she was carrying her kids, and this worries me. Will she be able to hold out (or will Scarlett be patient) for another week and a bit. The 21st is very close, but not if you have had enough with being pregnant!! Needless to say Beth is being great. She's doing such a great job, and will soon get relief! But I do really want things to work out for the 21st. Especially with my not doing all that well right now. I hope that is just a result of the new meds, and things will settle down. I just need a few more days for that to happen.

So, 10 days. It's hard to believe. All of a sudden she can be here any minute. Hard to believe we got here.

I'm just going to try to rest, and hope things go to plan. But if they don't that's ok, we'll figure it out. I just want to be well enough to enjoy it.

My hero

Years ago, when I was very sick with pneumonia and influenza, I got into a book about Lance Armstrong. My aunt gave it to me to read for inspiration, since I was quite down being in the hospital and being so sick. I had totally lost hope, and thought there was no way for me to live a normal life. (I knew so little!!) Anyhow, I did not want to read the book at all at first, but I eventually did. I read in practically in one go. It touched me so deeply! Though I did not battle cancer, Lance's battle was my own. He wrote the words that I felt, and I just related to him so much. I also started to really like cycling, and became a huge fan.

The book by Lance Armstrong and Sally Jenkins, called "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life" is still one that I have, and one that I have re-read many times. The life that Lance has lead outside of his cancer battle and cycling career, does not change how I view the man. It does not change his struggles, and his victories. I could not care less about who he dates, how many children he fathers, or how many women he marries. I love his story. It's a story of overcoming tragic and debilitating illness. Though I am not an athlete, and certainly do not have cancer, it was my story when I read it. I would recommend this book to anyone. It's remarkable.

So, 2009 rolls around and Lance is back. They say he won't win the Tour with year, that he isn't even trying to win, but I don't care, I am still hoping he does, and cheering for him.

When I got out of the hospital those many years ago, after those months of being so sick, and so defeated, I came home to nothing. I was unable to work. I was depressed. I watched all my friends start their careers (as this was just after my finishing University) as I was just happy to be alive. I almost died. My doctor reminds me of this when I feel like I can't take it any more. She says to me, '....after seeing what you went through, I will always bet on you. You're tough. You were really really sick. I was worried. I don't often get worried.' That was years ago, and I know that it was bad, since I don't remember most of it. But I do remember that when I finally got discharged, I faced such a staggering depression. I was alone, I was very thin, I had the lowest lung function that I ever had, and I just didn't know how to cope. That first summer, I literally did nothing. I think back to the person I was and the person that I am now, and I can't believe that was me. But it was a long time ago, and I had to learn how to cope. I had to learn how to accept CF in my life. So, that summer, all I remember is watching the Tour de France. It was my only enjoyment. But as I watched for the 2 weeks, loyally, jumping up and down at every win, crying when Lance overcame climbs and time trials, I was lifted up. After having read what he went through (much like the hell that I went through the months before) and then seeing him rise above it all, and win and win and win over and over, well I was sold. I was also convinced that there was more for me. So what if I could not pursue the career that I wanted, or the life that I had planned for. There was so much more out there. Life was waiting for me.

It was in the months ahead that I began to live life. Since I could not work full time, I volunteered at an art gallery, and ended up curating there later on. I met some amazing people, some of which Martin works with now, and just came alive. I applied for disability to help me along, and I was okay with the fact that I had to do what I had to do to make life work. And I was okay with it. I was no longer moping about all that I lost.

Within 6-12 months, I was loving life at the gallery. I was having fun, going out, really enjoying the things that I thought I had lost. My lung function began to rise, and soon it was back up to the 50s. I was active, and happy, and I always, ALWAYS thought Lance taught me to be that person. He often talked about the fact that after the cancer, after the chemo and the treatments, he was different, both physically and mentally. As a result he was angry and depressed. He didn't want to be different. He wanted to be the same, as he was before the cancer. He didn't understand why so much was taken away from him. That's how I felt. But once he got it, he changed the world! The world of cycling, of cancer awareness, and most importantly he changed himself. Something that is always the first and hardest step to take. The hardest change to make.

In the years to follow, I met my future husband, and, well the rest is history. Though I know Lance won't read this, I want to him to know that he changed and continues to change lives. Lance you certainly changed mine!

Below are my favourite Lance ads out now, they're amazing!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIl5RxhLZ5U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph6Gd2Cg4gc (my favourite!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXAleHsmgEg (Healthy Lungs, Just Do It)

This may sound strange, but I don't think it's a coincidence that Lance is back when I need hope again! Ok, yeah, that does sound strange. But I believe it!

Lucky 13 again....

I am home. That was the shortest, and most efficient hospital stay I have ever had!! Went in Monday night. Got desensitized yesterday. It was super boring, sitting there in the ICU with all the gadgets hooked up to me. (measuring heart rate, oxygen saturation, blood pressure.....) Mainly a pain in the butt, but thank goodness for the MJ Memorial to keep me busy for 8 hours!! Way too much tv, but I was literally not able to move for the whole process, so it kept me occupied. I will leave MJ comments out of this blog. I don't have a lot to say about it anyway.

Well, yesterday was 14 days until induction. 2 weeks. Today 13 days. Wow, can you imagine?! I'm happy that nothing happened while I was in there this time. I would have had a hard time leaving in the middle of an ICU treatment. I just try not to think about it. But I am thrilled that that's all over. I have my new meds, and I can stay on them until tx. Which is amazing. I also found out that my friend Amy is doing really well, a few weeks after her tx, and that another lady (a 54 year old with CF) just got her call a few days ago. The 3 ladies were waiting while I was at the hospital in March, and I cannot believe they are all with their new lungs now, doing well. Wait time 4 months, 1 month, and 3 weeks. Amazing. The ward as a result is quite empty, and that is a rare thing! It's good!!

So today lucky 13. I have always had good thing happen to me on the 13th of the month, or the 13th time....it's just always been a lucky number for me. In fact we found out that we were expecting on November 13th.

Hang in there Beth!! We're almost there!

Got a bed for the desensitization!

Good news is that I got a bed quickly today! I will go in tonight, and be desensitized tomorrow morning. Great news. Nice and quick! Hopefully if all is on time I will be home Wednesday.

I will not have my laptop in the hospital, just too much packing that I don't want to do, so no posting until then. I'm bringing my iPod and my baby book. I have important things to keep reading about!!

Everything is going to plan, so I am trying to keep my cool and let time unfold. We're juggling lots of things with my health and Beth and planning and hoping everything will come at the right time. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that happens!!

We're so close, and waiting.

It's been a great weekend. We had a friends wedding, and it was so beautiful. Martin and I could only stay for a little while, but I had to see my friend in her dress. She looked amazing, and I was so happy that I could go. It was hard for me to stay into the night, but I saw the most important part, her and her man getting married. It was great.

Aside from that, we are counting down the days. Our little Scarlett will be here so soon, and it's hard to believe as each day passes that we are in fact so close. After all this time, after all that we've been through, it's just such a blessing.

I don't have a lot to say these days. I'm ok, Martin is great, and we're still waiting for Scarlett. We're in no hurry, we want her healthy and strong when she arrives to be with us. Beth is doing well, but is ready to have this baby! But she's always telling me that's it's well worth the struggle to know that Martin and I will have our little girl with us soon. That's why we love Beth, she's such a great woman.

16 days. Hang in there Beth. Scarlett, mommy and daddy cannot wait to have you home with us. Finally!

Happy Canada Day.

Many years ago, about 21 years ago, I came to Canada with my mom and brother. My dad was already here, waiting for us. He had made sure to set up everything here, so that when we got here it was not that hard on us. We had a house and a car, and we were so happy. Poland was quite different. Certainly no house, no car.

I became a Canadian 20 years ago. I love this country. Everything about it! I can get into how much I love the East and the West, and Toronto, and all that's in between. How much I love the freedom that we enjoy. How much I love the endless possibilities that Canada offers. Or that we tend to gravitate towards peace, not war, and guns. I love Canada since it's so beautiful. So beautiful. Or that in Toronto I can get authentic Thai, Japanese, and Indian food within a walking distance of one another. I love that we encourage diversity, but at the same time were so patriotic. I love so many things about Canada.

But the fact is that I owe my life to this country. What would have been of my life in Poland I do not know, but statistically I would not be alive any more. I got great care here, at Toronto's Sick Children's Hospital until I was 18. And I got it without ever seeing one bill. In fact Sick Kids often takes kids from all over the world when they have no more hope, and provides free care, and saves lives. There are so many of those stories. I am so proud to live in a country where we value life and care over the all mighty dollar. And even though people complain about the system all the time. About the fact that people do take advantage of it, and that there is waste within the system, I love that as a country we have decided to choose life, choose hope, and choose love, and providing medicical carefor all!! I'm sure many people would rather a private system, but I think most Canadians are proud of the country that we are, and what we can do when we pool together our funds and make things happen.

So on the days that I complain about clinic, and this and that (and may be I've just had enough of CF more than the system, may be I'm just tired of being sick all the time for all these years) I try to think about the day that I came to Canada. The first time we went to the CF clinic at Sick Kids, and the care that we got. How quickly we were able to start me on all those wonderful meds that changed my life so dramatically. I remember my mom and I getting all those meds, without what we had to endure in Poland, and it was amazing.

Now that I near transplant, I think the same thing. How lucky I am, to have a system in place that will work to save my life, no matter what. The fact is, Canada is one of the only places in the world with such a premier facility, that does it all for free. I know, I know, it's not free, we pay more taxes than most places in the world, but you know what I mean. When it comes down to it, I am glad that those taxes are taken away. They provide me with the insurance to know that if Scarlett ever needs anything medically, we will find what we need and we will not have to pay for it. Since all Canadians pay into it every day.

That is why I love Canada. There are things I don't like about it.....things that I love the States for more, or many other countries (so don't get angry at me people!!), but this is my Canada Day post, so I will say only the beautiful things.

Canada, your Candians love you!!

Another clinic another vaccine

Another clinic today. Lung function is stable, 24% (0.77L) Saturation was quite good, but that's up and down between 92-95% on the 1L of oxygen. Aside from that I was there mostly for my vaccines. I got my second TwinRex, and my final chicken pox. So, all I have is my final TwinRex in 2 weeks, and wait a month from today, and I can be listed. Meaning the listing should happen on or around July 28th. Getting closer. We also arranged that I will be desensitized to Mero on July 6th, so that I don't have to do it when Scarlett arrives. Right now I am on an IV antibiotic that has officially run out, world wide, so they have to switch me. My hospital has a supply for about another month, and then that's it. Scary isn't it? Thank goodness that I can use another one. It does mean 2 days in the hospital, and that's why I want to do it as soon as possible, as to not miss Scarlett time.

On another much better and much worthier note, our little Scarlett will be here in 3 weeks exactly. 3 weeks from today. 21 days.

I was thinking about her today, what kind of a world she's going to be born into. What a world, what a time. A world that has a African American President. A world that is developing at an incredible rate. New technologies, new medicine, new knowledge. And though I have heard people say that they would not want to bring children into this world right now, I disagree. There are always problems. Always things to fix and make better. There is always suffering, and hunger, and war. But there is also progress, and think about the progress that humanity is making and I think it's bigger than the pessimism that it breeds.

Scarlett will come into the world and be exposed to such amazing things, and that's progress. She will think that anyone really can be president, that's just not something we say, it's something that is. She will come into a world that is starting to take responsibility for the environment, especially since her own daddy is doing such great things to change how we view energy and sustainability. Scarlett will be free as a woman to go to school, to be anything that she wants to be. She will be free to marry whom she wants, and practice and believe what she wants. How can that not be progress? Why would anyone not want a child to experience all that this world has become? It may not be perfect, nothing ever is, but her generation will do even more than the ones before her. I can't wait to see what she does.

It amazes me that she will be born when Michael Jackson will be only someone that once lived, and once created great music! I find that hard to believe. I guess that's the continuation of life, people are born, people live, and people die. I cannot believe that my daughter is about to be born. What a trip. Her long and wonderful life is about to begin, and I am privileged enough to be her mom, and Martin her dad. It's just the coolest thing I could ever imagine. Perhaps somewhere in the same league as being near death and getting someone elses lungs to not only save your life, but also allow you to continue the joys that you would have never otherwise been able to enjoy. Both miracles, and both I am thankful for.

21 days.

24 days to go....

Today we did tons of chores. tons tons tons.

I washed all of Scarlett's clothes, and it was such a sweet experience. Little tiny things, that now smell like lovely Ivory. Ahhhh.....

Aside from that, Martin and my parents did tons outside today. We cannot wait to re-do the back yard next year. The plan was to do it sooner, but does to all that's going on, and the scope of the project (we have a large city yard and a corner lot) we have decided to start in the Spring. Hopefully by then tx will be over, and all will be settled down. I can't wait. It will be a fabulous yard once it's done. We have 1 garage right now, but we want to tear that down and build a beautiful new double garage. We will be getting another car soon, and want to make sure we don't have trouble parking. After that, we're looking at tearing everything down, fence, patio, landscaping, all of it, and start fresh. Stone work, patio, modern city fencing. I can't wait. But it is a large project. Larger than we think, since it is a corner lot and our garage is at the back....anyhow it's complicated. But I cannot wait to have it done. We're hoping Spring 2009. =)

Below is a pic. On the left in the garage, that will soon be a double. Our yard in an 'L' shape, so it goes far left, that's not seen in this pic. I will for sure post some pics once it's all done, but that will be in about a years time.

(The back yard 2008)

So that's that. Weekend full of chores and really nice weather....

26 days and counting

Lots to do.

Feeling pretty good, and hopefully will remain so for Scarlett's arrival.
Now getting all the small things done. I have a list of things that I want to finish up before baby arrives and there is no time for anything else. I keep adding to the list, and hope that I can get all these things done. With some help, I am sure it's going to get smaller, that list.

26 days, it's hard to believe. It feels like years ago. All those choices, the drugs, the IVF. Crazy. Can't believe we have come this far, and on top of it all, I'm going to be listed for tx very soon.

Thinking of Amy who has had her new lungs now for about a week. Hear things are going well for her. Can there be better news when you're about to be listed?

26 days.