We've got ourselves a sleeper.....so far =)

I still have no words, but I have to find them. I have to write this down. Get it down on paper so I will never forget how it all went down.

First off, I have to say, we have a good baby. and when I say good baby, I don't mean good baby, mean GOOD baby. We're slightly freaked out by it. She sleeps. eats like a little monster, and then sleeps more like she just ran a marathon. We're all resting lots. My mom is here for night duty. Martin and I are days. Marty is super dad, I knew he would be, but it's still great to see. He's a pro?! I think he's been practicing all these months!!

So I need to write down how Scarlett came into this world. I will try my best to capture what it was like. It will be hard to do any justice to it all.

We were supposed to induce July 21st. That was the plan. But I was nervous about it. Not because I didn't want Scarlett to be born out of town, I did not care, but because I am so dependant on IV's, oxygen, meds, blah blah blah.....near home I can function. Away, I fall apart. So when it got close to the induction date, I started to panic a bit. I didn't sleep well, called my oxygen company and had a hard time communicating to them what I needed from them. Tons of things. Then on Thursday, Beth emailed me that she was at the OBGYN in St.Thomas and she said that she was 4cm dilated. Cervix was hard, but still 4cm?! That totally made me panic.

Beth and I decided that I was going to call Martins dad (who's an OBGYN at Mt.Sinai) and ask him what to do. Should be go in early? So I did call, and Dr.Ritchie called our doctor, Dr.S and we went from there. After some conversation and the panic that everyone heard in my voice, and that I certainly heard from Beth (who was worried that she would go into labour and we would miss it) we all decided that Beth and her husband Don were going to come to Toronto that night! What?! We were so excited!!

They arrived July 17th at 1am, and we all made our way to Mt.Sinai. I was just relieved that Beth was in Toronto, we were all there, so far so good. By 2am we were in our delivery room (a large lovely room where we would all make ourselves at home for quite some time!) and ready to go. Well, not really. Dr.S started the induction, and well, we just hung out. Soon they rolled in a bed for me to sleep on (though I did not sleep at all but I gave my back a break) and large chairs for Martin and Don to lounge in. Martin got some sleep, Don too. But generally we were all awake. Nothing was happening. Beth got an epidural super early, and she was having contractions within a few hours. She felt nothing, except for slight pressure and cramping, and was loving the epidural, and we were thrilled for that!! I was so thrilled!! I did not want to see her in pain.

I did go home at 6am to do some Iv's, and returned to the hospital for 8am. Beth was about 5cm then, and progressing nicely. But generally this was not visible labour. Beth was speaking normally and in and out of a restful half sleep.

At this point in time, our doctor went home (which we were a little disappointed about since he was the one that saw us in clinic and I knew him from my pre-pregnancy infertility days) but we knew the staff there were amazing. The doctor that we got was delightful!! We thought we loved Dr.S, but Dr. W was so kind, so sweet! We just loved him. He took Martin and I aside at one point when we were out in the hallway after a quick meal, and told us that it will be a magical experience. That it will be 'magical, so lets all go in there and make it happen, it will be special'. We were moved by his ability to understand that we were not only having a baby, we were about to experience a dream that Martin and I never thought would happen. He saw this in our faces and I thought the pep-talk was special.

At 1:30pm, we got really tired and kinda lost momentum. Things were not changing that much. We were at 6-7cm, but still far. My family was all trying to hold off from coming right away, but eventually they could not stand it any longer, and we thought it was a good time to have some lunch downstairs. Don and Beth encouraged us to go, and said that they would call if anything happened. So off we went. We met my mom, John (my brother) and Angie (sister-in-law) and had something to eat. We were all very excited. Just when we were done eating, Don called. "The show is about to start" he said. We rushed upstairs. It was 2:30pm

When we walked passed the nursing station, the electronic chart on the wall, flashed "10cm" next to Beth's name. That was fast!! We were ready to go.

When we got to the room, Beth was visibly uncomfortable. The doctor was at the foot of her bed, and there were three nurses mulling around. They told us to move close, we were ready to push.

The rest is a bit of a blur for me. For all of us for sure. When we first looked, Scarlett's head was already there, showing. Martin and I were captivated. I started to sob. Martin moved next to me and held me, we held on tight. Don coached Beth through a series of pushes. I can't tell you if it was 2 in total, or 3, but it was not many. Little Scarlett slid right out, 2:58pm. Emotional and exhausted, Beth looked at me and said, "she's beautiful!" and I said "I know!!" Beth was crying, we were so connected in that moment. I will never forget it. In that split second Beth understood my pain. All of it. In her eyes she understood my pain due to infertility, due to missing out on carrying my child, and she understood the years of pain that CF has been. And somehow, she took it all away from me. With one look, Beth gave me Scarlett, and took my pain away.

Scarlett was at the foot of the bed, crying and pink! So pink! She was big too!! Perfect. Martin and I cut the cord like a couple would cut a wedding cake. Together. The staff then wrapped her up, and I sat down in the lounger and held her. She was marvelous! A little Narty! (I know, it's silly, but she is, a Nat-Marty!!)

We then took her over to weigh her and check her out. 8lbs. 10 oz! Yup, we were expecting a big baby! She stopped crying then, and has yet to really let out a cry. She just stared at us for the next little while, or slept. And we marvelled at her. Beth was taken care of by Dr.W, who told us that he had to really make sure that Beth was okay before she went home, since she's birthed 7 babies. He took his time, and Beth was well. She looked so happy, and content, and just watched us in delight.

After a few hours, after my family came and just could not get enough of our newest family member (especially my dad!), the nurse came in and told me that my room upstairs was ready. It was kinda neat, to feel like a mommy that just delivered her baby. I got a hospital bracelet that matched Scarlett's, and a gown, and was wheeled upstairs holding my bundle of joy. The nurse pushing me whispered to me at one point..."it looks just like you gave birth to her....only all the other mom's are jealous at how thin you are!!" She was a sweet woman, that wanted me to have the full experience. When rolling through the halls, people glanced my way, and looked at my baby, and smiled. It was cool. I was happy.

From there, things went well. Scarlett had to stay an extra night under the light for elevated jaundice levels. But they were fine the next day. Martin and I fumbled around with the car seat, and Scarlett looked at us warily, but that was our only pitiful parent moment....other than that it's been quite smooth.

Details will come to me here and there. This is what I remember now.

I am filled with love, and happiness. I am filled with hope, strength, and gratitude. I believe anything can happen, even when things don't go as planned. I believe she was meant to be my daughter, my little Scarlett, and she was meant to come into this world as she did, not birthed by me, but by Beth. I believe that life has to be as it is, filled with the horror of illness and sadness, in order for such moments of love and serenity to exist. At least it had to be that way in my life, and I am grateful for that. It's okay with my now. It never has been before, but now it is okay. God wanted me to have it all, but in order to give me everything, I had to have CF and go through what I have. Today I would not change a thing. Not a thing. In time, I will be listed for transplant, and I will get my new lungs, and that will be my next chapter. But today, I would not change a thing.