Patience

The nursery is really coming along now. It looks so good I can't believe it's not even done yet. Today I picked up a few odds and ends that really made the space pop. It finally looks like a little girl is going to live there, finally!


Tonight I will start the mural on the window wall. I hope that it will not be a big job, since it's just a few wallpaper-like elements that I will paint on. Wait and see I think it will be amazing! I think once that's done I will take some pictures, since I really want to show it to everyone. The chandelier is not here yet, even though it was ordered many moons ago....many many! And that's the final big item to come. But may be I will take come pics in pieces to give everyone an idea. We've been working so hard on that room, that it needs to be seen by someone other than us!! I was hoping to have it done much sooner, but with everything taking months and months to order, and my being sick, things have been really slow. This little girl better not think of coming to us earlier than expected.


Today I took a walk down Queen Street West and stopped at a really beautiful store named Chatelet Home. Imagine an antique store for your little princess. The most beautiful things you can imagine for a nursery, for a little girl of course....

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Okay, so the above was written a few days ago. I never finished it, as the last couple of days have been terrible. Generally I have not been feeling well, and last night I was terribly dizzy and nauseous. Strange symptoms that freak me out, and make me worry. This morning things seemed to have calmed down, so hopefully the day or two in bed has helped me out. Today, I hope I can get more done and more life lived.

I got my assessment package in the mail, and the dates for all my tests and appointments. Looks like by May 22 it will all be done with. From May 19th - 22nd the days will be long and the tests quite draining. I am not looking forward to that week, but just want to get through them, and get myself on that waiting list. That's my goal. Only then will I relax and focus on my babies birth. It looks like I will have a month or so before our little girl is born to get used to being on the waiting list for tx, and just focus on her arrival.

I think about what's ahead all the time. ALL the time. So many things are happening, I cannot imagine all this madness will be over within a years time. There is a level of calm that you have to gain during this time, otherwise you'll lose your mind with worry and thought and calculation. I just go day by day, night by night, and try to stay calm and focused. For those who know me, know that I am quite the Type A personality. I am demanding on myself, those around me, the world in general. I love to control things. I love to learn and grow and move ahead, never dwell or go backwards. To be in this situation right now, in many ways, is the Type A personalities worst nightmare. Total loss of control. Loss of the ability to demand yourself to do anything, your body won't allow it! AHHHH!!!! That's how I feel on most days. This, more than anything, is a lesson in patience.

Patience, patience, patience.....

Moving forward

Today was my first clinic visit since I have been back from the hospital. 10 days later, my lung function today was 26%, 0.94L. So the good news is that things are basically the same, and it looks like I am able to be home without getting worse. This is good news.

While I was waiting for the appointment, I got the call that I have been waiting for from TGH regarding my assessment date. I was so happy to hear from them. My appointment for assessment is going to be during the week of May 19th, which is really soon! I am so happy that I am not going to wait for months for that appointment. This means that during that week of the 19th I am going to finish up those tests that we started at SMH. Once those are done, I wait for a month to get listed. Which means....most likely I will be listed on, or within a few days of my 30th birthday!! Oh what a gift that will be.....well may be not what I expected, but I will be very glad to be on that list waiting. Very glad.

Home had been okay. Emotionally up and down. But physically I feel okay. I am getting more and more used to living with oxygen and more and more used to going out with it. I guess with time everything gets better. Easier and better. Overall I think that if my health does not get worse before tx, I will be very lucky. If I stay like this I will be very lucky. But time will tell how long I will be on the list, and how tolerant I will be of that wait. I think to myself every day that this is not forever, this is a finite time, and it will come, and things will finally change for the better. I embrace that thought every day, and try to ignore all the other thoughts looming in my head.

Our little baby is growing inside Beth every day. and on Thursday we have our 3D ultrasound that I am very excited about!! I can't wait to see more of her. I think Thursday will be a great day. I will post pictures and show her off when we get them!!

I don't have much more to add. I am quite tired from today's clinic, that always ends up being quite a long day. My next post will be much more interesting on the baby front. Can't wait for the world to see her as we get to on Thursday.

The people in my life.

Recently, for many reasons, I have been thinking about the people in my life that really matter. The people that make my life what it is. The special family and friends that have made me the person that I am.

The first person that I think of is Martin, my awesome husband. He's everything to me. He's by far the smartest person that I know. When we first met, we only dated for a short little lit before I knew he was the guy. The thing that made me love him so much, so quickly, was his hair. No I'm kidding, though he does have amazing hair!! It was not his perfect skin (he's going to kill me..haha) and his non-accent. (he's Irish, but does not have an accent since he's been in Canada for over 20 years...but he says 'pram' instead of stroller and when he pronounces 'garage' you really don't know what he's talking about) It was not his sense of humour, though he tends to send me into coughing fits from laughing so hard. It was, his big fat brain. He just seemed SO smart. And soon enough I found out it was not just an illusion, he was in fact really bright, and very modest about his abilities. He's also a really good Tennis and Squash player, but that impressed me less, since I am not that good at either sport.

Martin amazed me in his confidence as an entrepreneur. He always lept into his projects and never doubted his abilities. How many times did I say....'Are you sure honey...what if it doesn't work out..what if???' But Marty always convinced me otherwise, and made it happen!! It was just awesome to watch, a true businessman at work. We did take many risks, but I would not have done it any other way. Martin always knew what he was doing, and I was always, and still am very attracted to that.

The best part about Marty though, by far, is he does not know how smart and talented he is!!! He is the most modest person I know, and that, is SEXY!!

(Left: Knox, Caroline, and Martin)

Needless to say, my love for him extends past the above. He is loving, and caring, and has learned SO much about what it is to be a CF husband in such a short period of time, it amazes me everyday. He has made me stronger, better, smarter, and thinks I'm just as pretty all dressed up, as I am with an IV pole by my bed. It's just beyond me how I got so lucky!!

The other people in my life that I just love so, so much are my mom, dad, and brother John. My mom is the rock of us all. She lets me do my thing, but when we need her, she is like a tornado of energy. My mom is a caregiver, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cook, an engineer, my personal CF researcher, you name it. She also takes care of Marty when he needs some care giving. May be when times are tough, and I'm ill, and the world just crumbles around us, my mom remembers that as much as I need her help, Martin does too. And that's just awesome. She treats him like a son, and is always a positive energy on our marriage. I cannot imagine how she does it. My mom also has always encouraged us to have babies. She did not want me to carry, but has understood that our marriage needed babies. What a blessing the woman is!!

My dad, if he was not my dad, would be my best friend. We are SO alike, oh my. Scary. We share the exact same opinions about everything, we look alike, we act alike, it's pretty funny. He is a really good husband and I have always thought that all men should be as involved as he was and is. As a child, he bathed us, and did all the mommy and daddy things. He loves to iron, and is really good at it, and irons EVERYTHING..haha. He keeps the house super clean, and when I was a kid I remember him ironing after dinner when we were all watching TV, or chatting, more than any other memory. I think that's so funny!! I used to think that this was normal until I met other dads that never ever ironed or did house work in their lives. He is the best role model for Martin that I could ask for. He is caring and loving, and funny, and really really smart. I still think he knows everything, and I thought I was supposed to grow out of that when I was a kid. In many ways Marty and my dad are more and more alike each day. That is a compliment for both Martin and my dad.

My dad gets choked up when we talk about baby bean. He loves that grandbaby so much already, and just celebrates with Martin and I everyday. My mom and dad's love for both Martin and I, their acceptance of who we are and what we need, as well as their joy at us expecting this little one, is just beyond words.

I also have an older brother, John, who's a few years older than me. John and I are either really alike or really different, but this means that we argue a lot. May be not a lot, but enough that I can safely say sometimes he drives me nuts!!! If we keep politics, religion, and basically any other topic off limits, we are fine. Otherwise once we start, it always ends up way too heated. BUT.....John is the best person ever to have while in the hospital. He cares about me so much, I think he has changed many things in his life to make sure he can be there for me when I am sick. He is the one that has the night-shift at the hospital, ALWAYS. Martin has just realized this is the way that it is. John takes time off work, reschedules everything, to make sure that he will only leave when I am totally okay to be alone. Most times when I am in, I am alone most of the day and night, with visitors only in the evening. I am usually very well, just on IV's for tune-ups. But there have been those times when I was very sick. I do not sleep at all during those nights, so needless to say there have been some rough times. I think John has been through some hard times, seeing me so sick. But he's a champ. Always consistent, always my big brother. His dedication to me as a brother is commendable, though I like it more when we argue about politics, since it's then that I know he views me as simply his sis, not as his sick sis. All the bickering is put aside when I am sick, and we are back to being best buds. I value having him as my big brother, and hope that one day when I get my new lungs, him and I are going to be able to snowboard together and he can breathe easy too, knowing that I'm finally breathing ok.

(Above: Me, my cousin Mark beside me, my cousin John left sitting, my brother John right sitting)

Now my family is everything, as you can tell, but there are so many other really cool people in my life. Martin and I have some amazing friends. Some old, some new. I have good friends from High School, and my girls from University. I have friends from all over the world that have CF, or have had lung transplants, whom I keep in touch with via the Internet. Martin and I have a large group of friends from his high school days, that we feel in some way will always be a group, and that will grow old with us. We celebrated each others weddings, and now are having children together. Though we rarely get everyone in the same room at the same time (since we're talking about over 10 couples) when we do, it's always a good time, and something I hope will stay a constant in our lives for ever and ever.

(Christmas dinner, December 2008, with our friends, about a week ago!!)

My extended family is not very big, but I have to say that everyone has always been very supportive with regards to my CF, my life, my marriage, and now my pregnancy. We are the only ones in Toronto, so seeing everyone is difficult. Some live in Poland, some in Chicago, some in Paris. It's hard not to see everyone, but I know that they are always there when it counts, like our wedding day.

(Our wedding reception....all the good people in our lives)

I feel like my network of support and love goes much much further than what I have written above. There are so many people that I correspond with, like the people I have met through this blog. There are the people that have become my new friends over the years. There are the nurses at my CF ward that I have known for over 10 years now. There is my post office friend, whom I speak to about CF, our baby, our marriage, every time I stop in to mail something for our business (which is very often)....strange may be, but we have the best talks!!!! haha. There is the lady that does my hair, and my waxing, and....well...you get the idea. Many amazing people that have somehow shared in my life, and my story, and are now really excited about little baby Ritchie. I am a true believer that sharing with the people that you connect with in life is gold. Discarding those that are somehow a drag on your life a necessity.

When we found out the good news!!

Tomorrow morning Beth and I are going to the first ultrasound. We will find out in exactly 24 hours, or so, if Martin and I are having 1 precious little baby, or 2. Marty has to work, as holiday time is precious in our house hold due to my being sometimes sick without warning. So the more we have stocked up the better. Plus we both decided that the next few are much more important.

My post today brings me to the time, when Martin and I finally found out that we were expecting. As always, the timing was not ideal. Martin was away in Estonia on business, and I was in the hospital on an IV 'tune up' after my IVF treatment. I had a minor infection in my lungs and needed to catch up what I had neglected during invetro.

Now the story goes, that our 2 week wait ended the day after Martin came back from Estonia, and I was to be back at home from the hospital. It was supposed to be a 'together' moment, but from past experiences we have learned that planning leads to disappointment, especially when dealing with infertility and a chronic condition. So, we were on day 5 of our 2 week wait, when another IP (S!!) told me over facebook that she found out her surrogate was pregnant on day 7. That freaked me out and I got all excited of course. Beth and I talked about it, and decided that we were going to do a home pregnancy test on day 7. November 13th. I told myself, that if it did not come back positive, I would wait to do another before I told Martin. I would only tell him (or anyone in my family) if we were in fact prego.

So let me paint you a picture. I am in the hospital. Though the setting is familiar to me (I have been a patient here dozens of times for weeks, sometimes months on end) it is a hospital. Not the ideal place to be when you hear such amazing news. But for those who don't know me, being in the hospital has never stopped me. Being on IV"s has never stopped me. I decided a long time ago, that if I waited until I was not sick any more to get things done in life, well, I would never get anything done. I would never enjoy a single moment. This was no exception. So I set my blackberry alarm clock for 6:30am and called Beth just before 7am on November 13th. Early, since Beth having 6 children of her own, needs to get the day started. And we all know, it is first-thing-in-the-morning pee that's best for such things.

I remember having that conversation that morning. I remember being excited like two high schoolers talking about what we're going to wear at prom. I remember her saying those magic words, and I remember tears running down my face as I sat in that hospital bed and very quietly whispered into the cell phone. We were going to have a baby!! Though it was the most unromantic of places, it was somehow fitting. My acceptance of the things I had to do to stay well. Just like the acceptance that it took to have another woman carry my baby for me. The thing is, it was not sad for me, having to hear the news how I heard it, since I had learned long ago that yeah, my life was different. It was not always what I wanted it to be. It was not always fair, or easy. It was sometimes too hard to speak about out loud without crying. It was sometimes even hard to imagine that this was me in the mirror, the girl that was born this sick. But what I have learned in 29 years, is that my life is just as worth while as any one else's. And if it took me finding out about our pregnancy in a hospital bed, well that is how it was meant to be. Somehow, over the years, it has become my normal.

Martin found out pretty much the same time as I did, while on a train from one Eastern European city to the next. I think the way he found out was very Hollywood movie circa 1952. But that's Martin, somehow things happen to him like in a movie. haha! Needless to say he was thrilled. Shocked!! Deliriously happy.

The funniest part of the whole thing came minutes after I hung up the phone with Beth. I will try to make the story short by adding that I had a roommate at the time in the hospital. Sometimes this happens. There are not enough beds, as per most hospitals. So I shared a room with (I will say this as gently and nicely as I can) an elderly crazy lady. And by crazy I mean crazy. Her respirology problems (that happened to have something to do with her smoking a few packs a day for 45 years) were the least of her worries. I will not get into specifics, since this is not that kind of blog, but I will say that I slept with our room door wide open as I was afraid CF would not be the only thing endangering my life that moment. Anyhow, to make my story that much more strange and not-as-I-planned it, the moment I got off the phone with Beth, crazy lady slid the curtain that divided our beds open, and proceeded to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I am sure she did not realize that I was not the one carrying, but from my conversation had managed to pick up that I was indeed going to have a baby. She grinned her toothless smile at me (don't ask..please) and proceeded to fill the room with her congratulatory crazy talk. With that pretty picture, I shall say Goodnight!!

IVF and all that followed

From the time that we decided that surrogacy was our answer, and just the right thing due to my health, to the time that we found out we were pregnant, nearly a year had passed. The moment that we decided that surrogacy was it, I started to look for someone that could help us. Someone that knew what was and what was not, possible. Someone that could give us answers to the multitudes of questions that we had.

We found Canadian Surrogacy Options in our first Google search. It makes me laugh to think that we made this baby via Google search, but in a way we did. In fact in a few weeks from that Google search, we had found Joanne (our life line to the surrogacy world) and started our search for that special woman to carry our baby. It was Joanne that introduced us to our doctor, Dr.D, a man that made the process so seemless, so easy, that Martin and I are both surprised to this day how easily it all happened.

It was sometime in early 2008, less than 3 months after contacting Joanne, that the call came, we had found someone to carry our baby! I have to say that this was a big day for us, that very special call. One of those moments in life when all the stars align, and the universe gives you a bit to be happy about, that hope that you so desperately seek in tough times. We knew then that things were moving forward, that this could, just may be, work out as we dreamt. It was hard still to imagine how a baby would emerge from all this. It was more like a business exchange at the beginning that anything else. Lots of administrative paper work, and counting our pennies. Thinking can we afford this now, can we afford this later? We started to plan and cut down on extras. We talked to family and got help where we could. Yet to be honest, it did not feel like we were making a baby. It felt like we were investing in a very high risk investment. Joanne was our broker. Our surrogate was on contract. It was not until later, when I got to know Beth (our surrogate) better and our doctor better, and even Joanne better, that I knew this was not just another transaction, not just a medical procedure, it was true magic, and that this baby was made with love, as babies should be made.

Meeting Beth our surrogate, was amazing. We clicked at once. She was sweet, caring, loving, funny, and most importantly she wanted to help us with all her heart. In fact her whole family wanted to help us. It was once we met, and started to communicate online and over the phone, that Martin and I realized that people are just so good. Our society at times does not give credit to it’s people’s good nature. Beth showed me that the moment I met her. Her near need to help us, the best way that she knew how, filled us with such hope, such peace, and such happiness, that from that point on we knew that not only this baby was going to be made, that we were going to be parents, but also that the way that we were making this baby was special. Special in the best way possible, and all shame, frustration and sadness about me not being able to carry left us at that moment. We were proud to share with those who would listen about our choice, not only because we knew it was right for us, but also because it was a true testament to the good will of people. We wanted to share that with everyone!!

During the summer of 2008 we decided on an October/early November transfer. By the time that we were all ready to go, financially ready, emotionally ready, and healthy enough to go ahead, October had arrived and we were suddenly thrown into the world of IVF. Dr.D was amazing, and so was his clinic. The nurses and ultrasound ladies were amazing, and made what could be a daunting task, easy, and may I say enjoyable?!
My last birth control pill was administered on October 13th. It was on that day that I also started the Lupron shots, to suppress my reproductive system. The shots were painless and easy. Being a diabetic (as a result of my CF) I was used to taking up to 8 insulin shots a day, so these were a breeze. We knew at that point that if everything went to plan we were scheduled for a November 3rd retrieval and a November 6th transfer. The fact that this was happening so quickly was just a trip!! We had moments in the kitchen when I was cooking in the evenings, when I would say things like…’you know that in a month we could technically be pregnant..’ to Marty, and he would look at me and smile and we would enjoy the moment. Trying not to think about what if it does not work….what if…what if. We just allowed ourselves to love the possibility!!

On October 28th my blood work came back looking good. I was suppressed and ready to start my hormones. This meant more of the same shots, and more minor side effects. Nothing I could not handle. In fact during the whole process I did not experience much noticeable side effects. I cried a little more, my emotions being a bit wacky. And I had some minor swelling in my belly. But compared to the poking and horrors of my CF treatments, this was truly a walk in the park. The worse part of stimulation for me was the drive to the clinic at 7am nearly every other day. Though the clinic is in the same city, it still took me 45 minutes to get there, and it wore me out. The visits were quick however. Blood work and ultrasound to make sure those eggs of mine were growing as they should. We ended up with 16 eggs growing beautifully, and I was delighted to hear that for once my body was not failing me!! Funny enough during IVF, I was the most normal that I have felt in a long long time.

During the end of stimulation I was at the clinic every day. On November 1st, after some minor adjustments to my meds to make sure that all the follicles were ready for extraction, we were ready to go. That Saturday we sat back and waited for Monday to arrive, retrieval day. We were a bit worried about it, since I knew that my lung function was only 38% and I was going to go under as to not feel pain. But I trusted Dr.D and I trusted God. I knew that I was in good hands, and was just looking forward to have it all said and done.


Monday morning, November 3rd, Martin and I arrived early for the procedure. It was a long morning, but everything went really well. I felt no pain, and in hind sight had nothing to worry about. We felt that the doctor as well as the staff at the clinic, were so amazing, and that they were on our side, wanting to do anything and everything they could to make this baby. I went home that afternoon very sleepy, and tired, and happy. My part was over. It was the next day that more good news came, we had 15 embryos waiting for us at the clinic. We were thrilled!!


November 6th could not come quickly enough. Beth and I spoke during that waiting time of a few days, and we were both so excited. We were going to do it!!


Transfer day was just an amazing day. We met Beth and her husband Don early at the clinic and waited around in the operating room together. There was a lot of chatting and laughing as we got to know Don. He was as gracious and nice as Beth, and once again our nerves were eased with the faith that we had in this couple to help us have our baby. By the end of the morning, we felt like old friends, it was a pleasure. The procedure was quick and easy. Beth was a champ, she was great. Martin and I both had tears in our eyes as our two little embryos were put into their new comfy home. It was incredible. Before the procedure we were given a picture of the two little embryos that were going to be inserted. They were prefect! They were Marty and I, in one incredible little package. Perfection!!

So the whole process was just as we would have dreamt it. Easy, stress free, and overall as we know now a success. We have and always will feel very lucky. I have so many people to thank for the process. Everyone at the clinic from the receptionist that always made me smile (even at 7am!!!), to the ultrasound technician that was always so professional (when all us girls know it could be quite uncomfortable at times), and of course to the wonderful Dr.D that wore a Halloween costume while doing my ultrasound on October 31st (always understated but always in good spirits)....all these people made me the process so much easier.

Today, we are 6 weeks 5 days prego!! Woohoo!! Each day is better and each day it is all the more real. On Monday we find out if we're having one or two....OMG!!! That's right you heard me OMG!! Either way we are thrilled, either way we are dreaming a lovely dream.

First Post!!

So it took me a while to set this Blog up. But I am ready to post!! I really hope this will be a great way for you all out there to share in our surrogacy journey. As it has begun!!

For the next few weeks I will be writing a lot, trying to share what has happened during the past few weeks, months, and really most of 2008. It will be a process, but well worth the effort. I cannot wait to share all that has been going on. For now, let me just say that it has been a long road to get here. Martin and I have been wanting a child for years. We got married with the dream of having a family as soon as we could. We never expected that nearly 2 and a half years after that wedding day, we would only be beginning the journey, and I wouldn't even be pregnant myself!! But here we are and we are thrilled. May be this is the way that things have to be. In order to get to that place of comfort and true acceptance we had to go through all that we did. Only now, it feels right. Only now does it feel whole. Only now, does it feel just as it should be. What a great place to be my friends!!

Just to set the stage, let me...well....set the stage. Martin and I have been married for 2 years, and 2 months. We live in Toronto in our dream home that beckons to hear kids running up and down it's stairs. We are very much in love, but like all other couples have had our ups and downs, which have only made us stronger and better and more in love. This love has been our guide, as we've had to handle things that most couples our age simply can't even imagine. My illness, Cystic Fibrosis (CF) has been trying to say the least, and caused us to realize that having a family would be very difficult. So....we decided to have a baby and use a surrogate, and so far have been incredibly blessed as we are now 6 weeks, 3 days pregnant! What can I say...MAGIC!!

Over the next few blogs I will go through the process thus far. Infertility, the clinics, the doctors, the drugs, more drugs, finding our awesome surrogate, and generally getting to the place that we are at now. For now that's it. But there is more to come.