Q & A: The Answers 2/2

Okay, these are the last few questions that I did not get a chance to get to last time.

Q: jessicajv: "What were you able to do to connect with Scarlett when you were in the hospital and very sick. Was a difficult transition with her at home?"
Q: also... "How does it feel knowing that there are so many others following your story, and taking such inspiration from you?"
A: When we are talking about me being very sick, I can't say there was anything in particular that I did at all. There was a time period before that I skyped with my mom, and she would bring her over. I would also hear all about her from family. But I got so sick so quickly, that I was unable to do anything, and all my effort was about breathing and pain control. Soon after I was sedated or sleeping with the ventilator 24/7 and during that time I lost all sense of what what happening around me. Once in a while, my mom told me, when I was nearly totally out, my mom would tell me about how wonderful Scarlett was and that I had to fight for her, and my mom said it was the only time I smiled or let out recognition. Which makes me think she was all I thought about when seemingly I had no thoughts.
When I got home, and still now, I just do more and more each day with her. She is very attached to me already, and it seems like she remembers those first 2 months that we were together all the time. But emotionally it just gets better and better. I love her more and more. As a mom we make choices. I chose to let go of the guilt of not being with her, and replace it with the hard work and the fight to get myself through this and be her mom again. It will take a little while still until my mom relinquishes all duty, but I know it will happen. Everything in time as I heal.
As for being someone people follow on this blog, and gain inspiration from, I don't know what to say about that. I certainly never expected this. I started this blog with my 5 followers and wrote it for myself and Scarlett. I find it so flattering that people want to hear what I have to say. I don't always get it, but I find comfort in it too. So it certainly goes both ways. There are so many amazing people out there dealing with infertility, going through surrogacy, battling CF, waiting for lungs, are post transplant, mom's that are battling CF along with their kids. I find people's ability to fight in their lives very inspiring and also reminds me that I am not alone.

Q: Kerry: "What helped the most in getting over the emotional aspect of lung transplant?"
Q: I'm not sure if I am there yet to answer that. I know during the really dark moments, when it seemed like emotionally I was unable to take things any more, being with my family was the most helpful. I hated being alone. I always 'spoke' to my god, and meditated and took deep breaths while trying to fall asleep. But overall being with Martin, my mom, my dad, or John was the only thing that I always needed. I also think time is something that just has to pass. I was told that over and over while I was an inpatient and I am told now. A lot of these emotional issues, the muscle loss, the weight loss, this is stuff that will not happen over night. Time is important, and if you use it as you should things just get better and stronger. Including your mind. Losing time is hard, and I am dealing with it by making new time. Building memories ever day now. I have tried to stop focusing so much on what was.

Q: Poppy: "What is the hardest/easiest part of coming home?" and "Are you finally getting some meat on your bones?"
A: I already answered most of these somewhere in part one, but I guess this is slightly different. The best part was just being home and knowing that I was onto the next stage of my healing. Of course being with my family, my baby, and my house was nice. The hospital was hard. But I did feel like I missed the security of the hospital. If I woke up and something was not right, I was in the best place to be. I liked that. So home was hard for that reason, but it passed within a few days after I started going to TGH as often as I do now. They really take care of me well, and if anything is ever up, I know I can go asap. One of the easiest parts is having my privacy back. At the hospital you have none, especially when you are unable to move. It's something that I will never forget and never miss. Quiet, private time at home is a priceless thing.
As for the meat on my bones? I am gaining like crazy. All I do is eat, everything is sight. All yummy healthy foods, high in the good calories, and full of minerals and vitamins. Before I know I will be 120, 130 lbs and back to normal. I am quite tall, so that still leaves me fitting into all my clothes. Plus with all the working out, I am starting to see muscle again! I can't wait to be super fit this summer. I have goals!!

Q: Angie: "How is the clubbing in your fingers? Did it go away?"
A: Great question!! I never knew the answer and never thought about it before tx. First of all I had really mild clubbing, so I was never self conscious about it. But my mom noticed a change right away when she would give me mini manicures still in the ICU. Now I see a huge difference. It is a quite nice surprise. The same thing goes for my inflated chest. My lungs were very hyper inflated. Which means there was tons of air trapped in the airways, which created fat stretched out lungs. As they stretched over 30 years, the outside of my body did too. My posture got worse, and I had a slight roundness in the front. I was more and more self conscious of it throughout the years. After the operation it totally went away. All that inflation and stretching stopped. I am so happy about this I cannot tell you. My doctors showed me my pre and post xray and the difference is like night and day. One looks like a balloon, and the other is beautifully straight and perfect. This was a nice surprise for me. Martin noticed it the first time I sat up in my bed at step down ICU, he touched my naked back and said it was like someone else's back. He knew I hated it before, and he was so happy. It's a beautiful thing! Plus I can clip my bra on new latches, since I used to always have to use the last one or get an extender.

Q: Rhiannon: "What did you do before you got really sick?"
A: I went to University for Architecture. I never expected to work in the field, I knew it would be too challenging physically for me. It's a very demanding field, especially for the first few years when you work non stop. Not something that I was physically able to do since my 20s. After University I got very sick and had to go on disability. I was living in a condo that my mom and dad owned, so I had independence, but I struggled with the fact that I was unable to work. So I started to volunteer at an art gallery (since I had a minor in art history and went to Unionvillle Arts York program for visual arts in high school). That job really paid off. I got confidence again, met amazing people, and got my life back after being so sick. It just proved to me that there is always a solution to happiness and keeping busy and focused. I met one of my closest friends there, who was an artist and a client of the gallery. Now Martin works with her husband. That was a huge lesson for me in life. When you sit home and sulk (because I wanted to work in my field and that was that, even though it was unrealistic) nothing can happen in your life. But when you get out there, volunteer, or take on something new - even the smallest few hours a week - life opens up to you. You meet people, re-energize, and find out that people are good and if you show will, rewards will follow. Anyhow, it was during that time that I met Martin, and we were moved in and married very quickly. I was running one of his businesses within a few months of us meeting and moving in together. The rest is history. We got our first condo, then a house that we flipped when the market was just so hot. Then 3 years ago we got this house that we hope to be in for a long long time. We sold the business I was running right in time, before I got very sick. These days I plan to be a mom. No thought of working in the future. I feel lucky and honoured to be able to stay home with Scarlett. Never thought that would be me, I always saw myself as a partner somewhere (I'm very type A) living for my work. But now after all I have been through, I just want a simple life with my husband and baby. I cannot imagine a better job.

Q: Bundle of joy: "How did you end up on the cover of the Star and on CBC?"
A: In October my health was pretty poor and the lungs were not coming fast enough. It was my brothers idea to get the media involved somehow, as to perhaps have more people aware, and perhaps getting me lungs faster. That's all we really thought. We were nervous. Myles (Martin's best friend) took on the cause with John, and called, emailed, and did whatever possible to get people's attention.(we called it Operation Get Nat Lugs) John's good friend Paula was a friend of Barb's (reporter from the Toronto Star) and sent her an email that she had to read my blog. Barb read the blog, and wanted to do the story. When the story came out in October, it was more than we could have ever imagined. We expected a little side note, may be a little pic of Scarlett or me. That first layout blew us away. It was mostly out of my blog, and was on the front page. It was several pages long, and had tons of pictures of all of us, especially Scarlett. It was crazy! From there my blog really became public. I know that everyone reads the star on the morning commute in Toronto, so we knew the coverage was huge. For organ donation this was amazing. Our friend Paula contacted her friend Brenda at CBC and they both posted posters all over the CBC to get the attention of someone who wanted to do the story. The producer for the Mark Kelley show called On A Mission responded to the poster, which would require several interviews pre, during, and post. We had no idea, no one did then, how sick I would get. We got very close with both Barb, and the CBC staff. They were amazing. The staff was there when I went into the surgery, and my mom, dad, Martin, Myles, and John really befriended them. Myles became like our PR guy, always keeping Martin in the loop of what the media what up to when things got really hectic. The way I hear it alltold, it sounds like a crazy crazy time!!
It was a shock for me at what happened during my 'sleep', when I woke up. All those segments, all the articles. I had no idea. I was asleep the whole time. To this day I believe that I got my lungs when I did, much to do with the publicity that we got. Getting that awareness out like it was presented, makes people think. 2009 was a record year in Ontario for organ donation, and I think much of that has to do with the way that CBC and the Star took it on. It did not matter if it was my story, or one of the other hundreds of people that were also waiting at the time. It was being talked about, and I am proud we had something to do with that. Even though I had no idea it was happening at the time.

Okay everyone, I think that's it for the questions. I love them, thank you!!!! I hope I was accurate.

Patience

The nursery is really coming along now. It looks so good I can't believe it's not even done yet. Today I picked up a few odds and ends that really made the space pop. It finally looks like a little girl is going to live there, finally!


Tonight I will start the mural on the window wall. I hope that it will not be a big job, since it's just a few wallpaper-like elements that I will paint on. Wait and see I think it will be amazing! I think once that's done I will take some pictures, since I really want to show it to everyone. The chandelier is not here yet, even though it was ordered many moons ago....many many! And that's the final big item to come. But may be I will take come pics in pieces to give everyone an idea. We've been working so hard on that room, that it needs to be seen by someone other than us!! I was hoping to have it done much sooner, but with everything taking months and months to order, and my being sick, things have been really slow. This little girl better not think of coming to us earlier than expected.


Today I took a walk down Queen Street West and stopped at a really beautiful store named Chatelet Home. Imagine an antique store for your little princess. The most beautiful things you can imagine for a nursery, for a little girl of course....

**********************

Okay, so the above was written a few days ago. I never finished it, as the last couple of days have been terrible. Generally I have not been feeling well, and last night I was terribly dizzy and nauseous. Strange symptoms that freak me out, and make me worry. This morning things seemed to have calmed down, so hopefully the day or two in bed has helped me out. Today, I hope I can get more done and more life lived.

I got my assessment package in the mail, and the dates for all my tests and appointments. Looks like by May 22 it will all be done with. From May 19th - 22nd the days will be long and the tests quite draining. I am not looking forward to that week, but just want to get through them, and get myself on that waiting list. That's my goal. Only then will I relax and focus on my babies birth. It looks like I will have a month or so before our little girl is born to get used to being on the waiting list for tx, and just focus on her arrival.

I think about what's ahead all the time. ALL the time. So many things are happening, I cannot imagine all this madness will be over within a years time. There is a level of calm that you have to gain during this time, otherwise you'll lose your mind with worry and thought and calculation. I just go day by day, night by night, and try to stay calm and focused. For those who know me, know that I am quite the Type A personality. I am demanding on myself, those around me, the world in general. I love to control things. I love to learn and grow and move ahead, never dwell or go backwards. To be in this situation right now, in many ways, is the Type A personalities worst nightmare. Total loss of control. Loss of the ability to demand yourself to do anything, your body won't allow it! AHHHH!!!! That's how I feel on most days. This, more than anything, is a lesson in patience.

Patience, patience, patience.....

Moving forward

Today was my first clinic visit since I have been back from the hospital. 10 days later, my lung function today was 26%, 0.94L. So the good news is that things are basically the same, and it looks like I am able to be home without getting worse. This is good news.

While I was waiting for the appointment, I got the call that I have been waiting for from TGH regarding my assessment date. I was so happy to hear from them. My appointment for assessment is going to be during the week of May 19th, which is really soon! I am so happy that I am not going to wait for months for that appointment. This means that during that week of the 19th I am going to finish up those tests that we started at SMH. Once those are done, I wait for a month to get listed. Which means....most likely I will be listed on, or within a few days of my 30th birthday!! Oh what a gift that will be.....well may be not what I expected, but I will be very glad to be on that list waiting. Very glad.

Home had been okay. Emotionally up and down. But physically I feel okay. I am getting more and more used to living with oxygen and more and more used to going out with it. I guess with time everything gets better. Easier and better. Overall I think that if my health does not get worse before tx, I will be very lucky. If I stay like this I will be very lucky. But time will tell how long I will be on the list, and how tolerant I will be of that wait. I think to myself every day that this is not forever, this is a finite time, and it will come, and things will finally change for the better. I embrace that thought every day, and try to ignore all the other thoughts looming in my head.

Our little baby is growing inside Beth every day. and on Thursday we have our 3D ultrasound that I am very excited about!! I can't wait to see more of her. I think Thursday will be a great day. I will post pictures and show her off when we get them!!

I don't have much more to add. I am quite tired from today's clinic, that always ends up being quite a long day. My next post will be much more interesting on the baby front. Can't wait for the world to see her as we get to on Thursday.

Where do I start?

I know it has been a while since I have posted. It seems like every time I want to write, something happens and I am again too busy or too disoriented to post.

Well I am now ready to write more about what's happening with us.

As all you know I have been back from the hospital since last Thursday night, after a 2 week stay. I left feeling good, with my lung function by no means great, but back to a safe place that they deemed okay to get me off of the antibiotics. I was given oxygen for home use, which is very new for me. It was a hard realization for me that this might be a new reality for me, but the doctors were hopeful that by using oxygen when I needed it, I would regain my strength. I started to feel poorly about a day after I got home. I needed more and more oxygen, and would now say that I feel worse than ever before. I have never had this low of a lung function and been on oxygen before. This is obviously a stressful time.

So I went to clinic yesterday, and had a long talk with the doctors. We came to the conclusion that I am obviously at a crossroads with my health. The fact that I seem to get worse right after stopping IV's, the fact that I need oxygen with exertion, and that my lung function is as low as it is, points to the fact that things have changed and it may be time to be assessed for transplant. The plan right now is to treat me aggressively and see if we can get me off oxygen, increase my lung function, and keep me off of antibiotics for a significant amount of time. If these things are not able to be changed, we have to start to think about transplant.

This does not come as a surprise to us. Martin and I had a long conversation on Monday and came to the conclusion that it was time (we have talked about it for years) and if nothing changes with in the next little while, that this standard of living that I have now is so compromised, that the thought of new lungs is becoming more and more something to think about. I have to admit, the past year has been very hard. But I was able to pull it together and work through it. Basically i did a huge amount every day to feel okay, and it was worth it. During the last 6 months, I feel like I spend 90% of my day working on my health, and there seem to be no returns. Now with oxygen, and less mobility (since I am having a hard time breathing and am very tired all the time) I seem to be thinking that it's becoming impossible for me to keep going like this. There is a breaking point and I have reached it.

Of course the timing could be better. Of course. But when is a transplant a thing that you can fit into your life on a whim. There will always be something. Now it is the birth of our baby girl (who might be under a year old when I get my lungs) but later it will be everything else in her life that I will not want to miss. There will never be a good time, thus if the time is now, c'est la vie.

Having this happen has made us think about the time when our little girl will arrive. Since things might change during the next half year due to my health, we decided (as a family) that my mom will stay with us and help us with the baby, instead of a nanny. If I am listed, it is the only way that this can work. It will be great. Three women of 3 generations hanging out together. When I am well, or when Martin is home from work, my mom will be back and forth from her home to ours. My parents do not live far. As a family we will get through that time together. I have all the confidence in the world about that.

Needless to say, our house is never boring. What next?!

My focus right now is to see if I can get past this, and see if perhaps it's not time yet. Only time will tell if it is. I am working hard at it. Harder than ever. I am working out on oxygen, doing a 30 minute cardio tape every day using oxygen. Trying to get my legs back, as well as regain my saturation. I would love to still get off oxygen. But I am also aware that transplant time will come. If it is now, there is nothing I can do but make the best of this time. How do I do that? Hmm...well I'm learning that right now, since instinct tells me to cry and scream and yell. To ask god why is life so hard?! But that would not help anyone. Not me, not Marty, not anyone else. So I choose to have hope in what the future holds. Hope and nothing but hope.

During the next few weeks I will update this blog with regards to my progress.

As for our little baby girl, she is doing well and growing inside Beth's belly. Beth says she's mega showing...and I cannot wait to see her. I hope it is soon.

IVF and all that followed

From the time that we decided that surrogacy was our answer, and just the right thing due to my health, to the time that we found out we were pregnant, nearly a year had passed. The moment that we decided that surrogacy was it, I started to look for someone that could help us. Someone that knew what was and what was not, possible. Someone that could give us answers to the multitudes of questions that we had.

We found Canadian Surrogacy Options in our first Google search. It makes me laugh to think that we made this baby via Google search, but in a way we did. In fact in a few weeks from that Google search, we had found Joanne (our life line to the surrogacy world) and started our search for that special woman to carry our baby. It was Joanne that introduced us to our doctor, Dr.D, a man that made the process so seemless, so easy, that Martin and I are both surprised to this day how easily it all happened.

It was sometime in early 2008, less than 3 months after contacting Joanne, that the call came, we had found someone to carry our baby! I have to say that this was a big day for us, that very special call. One of those moments in life when all the stars align, and the universe gives you a bit to be happy about, that hope that you so desperately seek in tough times. We knew then that things were moving forward, that this could, just may be, work out as we dreamt. It was hard still to imagine how a baby would emerge from all this. It was more like a business exchange at the beginning that anything else. Lots of administrative paper work, and counting our pennies. Thinking can we afford this now, can we afford this later? We started to plan and cut down on extras. We talked to family and got help where we could. Yet to be honest, it did not feel like we were making a baby. It felt like we were investing in a very high risk investment. Joanne was our broker. Our surrogate was on contract. It was not until later, when I got to know Beth (our surrogate) better and our doctor better, and even Joanne better, that I knew this was not just another transaction, not just a medical procedure, it was true magic, and that this baby was made with love, as babies should be made.

Meeting Beth our surrogate, was amazing. We clicked at once. She was sweet, caring, loving, funny, and most importantly she wanted to help us with all her heart. In fact her whole family wanted to help us. It was once we met, and started to communicate online and over the phone, that Martin and I realized that people are just so good. Our society at times does not give credit to it’s people’s good nature. Beth showed me that the moment I met her. Her near need to help us, the best way that she knew how, filled us with such hope, such peace, and such happiness, that from that point on we knew that not only this baby was going to be made, that we were going to be parents, but also that the way that we were making this baby was special. Special in the best way possible, and all shame, frustration and sadness about me not being able to carry left us at that moment. We were proud to share with those who would listen about our choice, not only because we knew it was right for us, but also because it was a true testament to the good will of people. We wanted to share that with everyone!!

During the summer of 2008 we decided on an October/early November transfer. By the time that we were all ready to go, financially ready, emotionally ready, and healthy enough to go ahead, October had arrived and we were suddenly thrown into the world of IVF. Dr.D was amazing, and so was his clinic. The nurses and ultrasound ladies were amazing, and made what could be a daunting task, easy, and may I say enjoyable?!
My last birth control pill was administered on October 13th. It was on that day that I also started the Lupron shots, to suppress my reproductive system. The shots were painless and easy. Being a diabetic (as a result of my CF) I was used to taking up to 8 insulin shots a day, so these were a breeze. We knew at that point that if everything went to plan we were scheduled for a November 3rd retrieval and a November 6th transfer. The fact that this was happening so quickly was just a trip!! We had moments in the kitchen when I was cooking in the evenings, when I would say things like…’you know that in a month we could technically be pregnant..’ to Marty, and he would look at me and smile and we would enjoy the moment. Trying not to think about what if it does not work….what if…what if. We just allowed ourselves to love the possibility!!

On October 28th my blood work came back looking good. I was suppressed and ready to start my hormones. This meant more of the same shots, and more minor side effects. Nothing I could not handle. In fact during the whole process I did not experience much noticeable side effects. I cried a little more, my emotions being a bit wacky. And I had some minor swelling in my belly. But compared to the poking and horrors of my CF treatments, this was truly a walk in the park. The worse part of stimulation for me was the drive to the clinic at 7am nearly every other day. Though the clinic is in the same city, it still took me 45 minutes to get there, and it wore me out. The visits were quick however. Blood work and ultrasound to make sure those eggs of mine were growing as they should. We ended up with 16 eggs growing beautifully, and I was delighted to hear that for once my body was not failing me!! Funny enough during IVF, I was the most normal that I have felt in a long long time.

During the end of stimulation I was at the clinic every day. On November 1st, after some minor adjustments to my meds to make sure that all the follicles were ready for extraction, we were ready to go. That Saturday we sat back and waited for Monday to arrive, retrieval day. We were a bit worried about it, since I knew that my lung function was only 38% and I was going to go under as to not feel pain. But I trusted Dr.D and I trusted God. I knew that I was in good hands, and was just looking forward to have it all said and done.


Monday morning, November 3rd, Martin and I arrived early for the procedure. It was a long morning, but everything went really well. I felt no pain, and in hind sight had nothing to worry about. We felt that the doctor as well as the staff at the clinic, were so amazing, and that they were on our side, wanting to do anything and everything they could to make this baby. I went home that afternoon very sleepy, and tired, and happy. My part was over. It was the next day that more good news came, we had 15 embryos waiting for us at the clinic. We were thrilled!!


November 6th could not come quickly enough. Beth and I spoke during that waiting time of a few days, and we were both so excited. We were going to do it!!


Transfer day was just an amazing day. We met Beth and her husband Don early at the clinic and waited around in the operating room together. There was a lot of chatting and laughing as we got to know Don. He was as gracious and nice as Beth, and once again our nerves were eased with the faith that we had in this couple to help us have our baby. By the end of the morning, we felt like old friends, it was a pleasure. The procedure was quick and easy. Beth was a champ, she was great. Martin and I both had tears in our eyes as our two little embryos were put into their new comfy home. It was incredible. Before the procedure we were given a picture of the two little embryos that were going to be inserted. They were prefect! They were Marty and I, in one incredible little package. Perfection!!

So the whole process was just as we would have dreamt it. Easy, stress free, and overall as we know now a success. We have and always will feel very lucky. I have so many people to thank for the process. Everyone at the clinic from the receptionist that always made me smile (even at 7am!!!), to the ultrasound technician that was always so professional (when all us girls know it could be quite uncomfortable at times), and of course to the wonderful Dr.D that wore a Halloween costume while doing my ultrasound on October 31st (always understated but always in good spirits)....all these people made me the process so much easier.

Today, we are 6 weeks 5 days prego!! Woohoo!! Each day is better and each day it is all the more real. On Monday we find out if we're having one or two....OMG!!! That's right you heard me OMG!! Either way we are thrilled, either way we are dreaming a lovely dream.

Where the story starts

The past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. This morning I was thinking about all that we've been through to get to this point, and when did it all start?

Before Martin and I got married we decided that we wanted babies. We talked about it a lot. How many, a girl, or a boy, may be a few. Shockingly we were not too concerned about how it would happen. I think back to it now and think that it might have had something to do with me feeling that of all the things that I was deprived of in my life due to my CF, this could not be one of them. People had kids all the time. No one stopped people from having babies, it was just one of those things. I felt like I deserved it, damn it!! So I ignored the fact that this was something that could be hard for us to do.

At that time, this was the beginning of 2006, I was not as unwell as I am now. The nature of the beast I guess. My lung function was in the high 40s to low 50s and I was on IV antibiotics every 4-5 months, so about 2-3 times a year. I had not been in the hospital for a long time, and seemed to be able to do many of the things that my peers could do. After several doctor visits (both CF and High risk OBGYN) I was given the go ahead to try to have a baby on my own. It was something that I was so happy about, and so we tried. Since this was the time before our wedding, I was not too concerned about tracking the time this took. As months passed by I never stopped and questioned why I was not getting pregnant. I just thought it took time.

On September 30th 2006 Martin and I got married. It was such an amazing day!! Everything was perfect. Our family and friends blessed us with a day that we will never forget. I felt on top of the world, as all my dreams were coming true. I was married!! My illness did not stop me from being the person that I wanted to be, and the person that I was meant to be. It was a magical feeling. I knew, I just knew that a baby would follow. I did however have fleeting thoughts about how it was going to happen.

2006 came to a close, and we were no further in understanding what was going on with our fertility. During that time, in fact most of 2007 Martin and I were very busy with our businesses and moving into a house that we were going to flip, and somehow everything was put on hold. I quickly realized during the summer of 2007 that I was not always ovulating, and that my periods were not as regular as I thought they were. I was also getting more and more chest infections, meaning that I was on IV antibiotics what seemed like all the time. The summer of 2007 was terrible for me. My lung function dropped into the high 30s and I was losing weight, feeling tired, and generally directed my focus to the reason why I was feeling so terrible. The last thing we thought about during that time was having or making a baby. It was a terrible time for us. I thought I had missed my window to carry a baby, since the year before I had felt so much better than I was feeling now. I was sad about it. I was feeling guilty that I had taken away that possibility from my husband, and most of all I was terrified that I would never experience being a mother, which was something I really thought one day would come.

In October 2007 Martin and I moved into the house that we are in now. We got it for many reasons. I loved it due to the neighbourhood, the schools, the kitchen!! I look back at it now, and I think Martin got it so that that I would not feel like I had missed anything. He wanted me to live in a home that was made for a family. A home that had seen it's fair share of children, family dinners, and it's fair share of growing up. It was more than we needed, being just the two of us living in it, but it was my husbands way to make me feel that we still had hope in our future. He wanted me to have this house, since my future was uncertain, and the feeling was now or never. Not later, but now! Later is sometimes hard to imagine when living with CF. Martin, I find out every day is a really good man.

What happened next only makes sense now, it certainly did not make sense at the time when it happened. One night in early 2008 I started to cough up blood. At first I thought it was just some rattling phlegm, nothing a nebulized mask or a puffer would not cure. It was the middle of the night (when all awful things seem to happen) and Marty was already in bed. I left the room and went across the hall to the bathroom (did not want to use the ensuite as it would wake Marty up) to see what was going on. Now for those that don't know, when one has CF, one has to get used to coughing up some nasty stuff. What can I say, it's something that you just get used to!! It's a way of telling a lot about the progression of the illness. The colour, the thickness....well I don't want to gross you out, but it will help with the rest of your understanding. So 2am, I step into the bathroom and proceed to cough up what could have easily been 2 cups of fresh hot blood.

No amount of years with CF prepares you for that moment. How can it? This had never happened to me before. It was out of a horror movie. The truth is, looking back, at that moment I thought I was going to die. I stood there for a while I think. Scared, not wanting to move. I knew what was ahead. The ER at St.Mikes. Waiting hours, may be days for a bed. Then the CF ward (6 Bond) for weeks, may be months. I cried. But then, as so many times before, I got out of the bathroom, woke up my sleeping husband, and the two of us, on automatic pilot packed a bag and were off to St.Mikes.

The blood kept coming for the next week or so, cups and cups of it. I was in ICU until the infection was under control and I was then sent to 6 Bond to continue treatment. I was told it was a blood vessel that burst with the strain of my lung infection. It happened to people with CF. Overall once it was under control and the infection had subsided, the bleeding would stop. As it did.

It was when Martin and I got home that we made the decision that I was in no shape at all to carry a baby. Now I know many of you out there right now are shaking your heads, going, REALLY??? Duh!! But sometimes in life it takes something this big to show you the obvious. Somewhere between 2006 and 2008 I had become very sick. I was no longer able to pretend otherwise.

To this day I thank God for that moment of blood gushing from my lungs, in the bathroom, in the middle of the night. I guess it was obvious that we were not seeing what we were supposed to see, and had to be shown. Basically, God had to reach down and over and over whack me over the head with his big furry slipper. Miraculously it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Within the next 7 months we would meet Joanne a woman that helped us get the surrogacy journey started, we would find our superhero of a surrogate Beth, and most importantly we would get back what we were missing the most, HOPE.