What happiness feels like

I forgot what happiness feels like. Today I remembered. Not because of the assessment, or anything else in particular. I think happiness happens in moments. One day you just pause, and you think, hey, right now I'm happy. This happened today. This is how the day went:

Today was day 3 of the tx assessment. Day 2 was good, but very tiring, and I just didn't have the time or the energy to blog. Tons of tests, tons of pokes and strange machines. If I was not on IV's, I would not have been able to get through it. The antibiotics allow me to stop coughing long enough to do other things but....well, cough. My lung function only increases a few percent, but I am able to leave the house, and walk around, and just generally live some sort of a life. My mom and I were very very tired after day 2. Today, Day 3 was only interviews, and it was a good day. Martin came with my mom and I, as my second support person. I have my mom, and Martin as support people. Meaning people that will be with me during the time of being listed, and after tx when I am being closely watched for the first 3 months.

So today were the interviews. We saw the tx coordinator first, a nice lady that walked us through the process in detail. From being listed, to the waiting process, and then post tx time. There was a lot of information. The program is intense to say the least. Once I get listed, I am going to be at TGH 3 times per week for a work out program. No matter what, no matter how low my lung function gets, it's required. They customise a program for each person, so you only do what you can, but the point clearly is to keep you well enough to do as well as you can during and after the operation. Other than that, they told me that I am a rare blood type, B+, which can be a longer wait, or it can be a much shorter wait since I don't have a lot of people competing for the same pair as me. Depends how you want to look at it. Nothing I can change either way. Post tx is intense again, with the first 3 months being the most rigorous. Once a week PFT's, XRay's, and blood work to keep a close eye on what's happening with my new lungs. So basically lots and lots of work, but lots and lots of reward. That's how we think of it anyhow.

The program itself is incredibly impressive. We have dealt with less than impressive programs before, so going to a place where the people are this organised, this focused, and this knowledgeable is quite refreshing. After the Transplant Coordinator we met the dietitian as well as the social worker and we really were impressed by the people that we spoke to. There was definitely a sense of confidence that helped me as a future tx patient feel more confident about what I am about to embark on.

The coordinator told us that she will call us next week with the listing results. Meaning if I am a candidate for transplant, and did the team decide to list me. Though there seems to be no reason that I can see why I would not be listed, (or my CF doctor can see) this is a big step, and really the last hurtle before being listed and receiving my pager.

After our day at TGH, Martin returned to work and my mom and I got some sun in my garden. We talked about all that we learned today, there was SO much information, SO much to process and understand. When Martin came home a few hours later, we ate dinner and sat in the sun some more. Martin and I spoke about all sorts of things, and I thought about how much I have been through during the last few months. How much adjusting we all had to make. How many tears there have been, how much pain and frustration and illness. How many bad days, so few good health days. But today was the first day in a long time that I felt a little bit of the old me. I felt that by getting through the last few days I accomplished so much. They were hard, not horrific or terrible, but hard. Emotionally hard, physically hard, but I got through them and learned a lot about myself, and about Martin and my family. It's amazing how there are always things to learn, that always amazes me.

In the early evening Martin cut the grass, and did some work out front. I did a bit of sweeping (with my oxygen, as if it's not even there....how I am used to it now amazes me!!) and then my mom took over when I got tired. So I sat on the front porch and watched people walk by, watched my husband cut the grass, and watched my mom help out, and I thought, wow, today I am really really happy. Go figure. With all this, I am really really happy. Go figure.