Victoria Day Long Weekend

Halfway through the long weekend, and I'm already tired. Yesterday was not the best day for me. My ear aches have come back and I'm still waiting for the antibiotics to kick in and make me feel better. After spending a lot of time in bed on Saturday, Martin wanted me to get out of the house. Since I was so out of breath, I could not see myself getting out of the car and walking anywhere, so he thought we would go for a drive. So that's what we did. Down to the water front. We found a place to park the car right near the water and sat there and talked. I have to say that I felt lousy! My ears hurt and I was constantly out of breath just sitting there. Very weak and very tired.

We ended up talking about transplant. About all our fears and worries. I guess we never really talked a lot about the things that we were thinking. We try to be positive and move forward and just let things go, as to not lose touch with what we are trying to achieve. But yesterday we did talk about it. I certainly explained my fear of not being well enough for transplant, since I am getting worse so much faster than I expected. Martin shared the same worry, but we understand that we have to focus on that time when the lungs will come and we can get our lives back. That's what we focus on, even when doubt finds it's way into our lives. Not something we want, but we are human and have those thoughts that are so natural in times like this. Dark thoughts, worry and anger. My goal is to get those lungs and raise my daughter. Help my husband raise our daughter. I know that I have only so much control in this situation, but that which I can control I will do my best to.

I feel like time is still right now. All focus has changed, and life has begun or ended, I cannot tell which one. It

depends on which day. On the good days I think life is just beginning. On the bad days I think life is ending. Not in a dire way, but I feel my body fighting, and I know it can only fight for so long. That is the closest to death that I ever want to feel. But I am proud to say that my spirit is stronger than CF, than my doubt, and much stronger than that feeling of death. As my lungs fail, my spirit rises.

Below are some pics that we took yesterday in the car by the water. I took them on my blackberry, so the quality is not great, but I thought they were fun.

(me and my parents dog Lucca on my front porch)

(Marty and I in the car....Marty being silly)

(that's better Marty.......)

(and that's me........)
Happy Victoria Day fellow Canadians!