What do you say?

It has been a long day. I will most likely publish this post tomorrow, as I will not get it done today. Since today, has been one of the craziest days of my life.

There is a lot I want to say here, but I will likely spread this over a few posts, since I have a lot to think over and say, mostly in response to some of the feedback that we have received over the course of the day.

So, The Toronto Star ran a story about me. The author Barbara Turnbull, someone that I admire, and someone that I think did a great job! What I really liked about it, is the way that it spoke and used my blog. I did not expect the story to have that angle, but I really liked it. My blog is a place that I now use to express so much of what is going on in my life, and though some people may not understand the idea of being so public, for a person with a chronic illness, the comfort of such support is the answer. Illness, especially chronic illness is incredibly lonely.

For those of you who only read the online version, part of the magnitude was lost for you. So here are my terrible blackberry, hospital bed shots of the paper. Just so you get an idea of how big this was. Something we had NO idea about. I thought it was going to be small, certainly not what it became. The idea that anyone would be this interested in me, in my story, is something that still makes me shake my head.

(Above: The front page)

(Above: The front page of inside section)

(Above: Last page, they used my favourite picture!!)

So, for those of you that didn't understand why we were shocked, that's why. Having not expected this, how can this type of coverage not be shocking?! Here is a bit of how the morning unfolded.

I woke up at 6am after having a hard night of no sleep. Yet again. Steroids being the culprit. The plan was to wake up, eat something, do my treatments, and go back to bed hoping to get some sleep in the morning. When I woke up, I already had 10 emails waiting for me on my blackberry. I knew the story was going to run today, but really thought nothing of it. Was not sure if anyone would notice it. I have actually been totally out of the loop as to which pictures were to be submitted, if any, so i really had no idea. I have been too tired to deal with any of it after the interview with both Barb and CBC. I was shocked that some friends of mine had seen the article, I thought this was great. I was told that the pictures of Scarlett were great, I was thrilled with that (any compliments about my baby I love to hear!!) and knew then that they had used some of Jenn's pictures. Which I thought was so cool, since her baby pics are amazing!

I ate breakfast, and got in touch with John and Angie that had already read the article online. They said it was great. I was really happy, but wanted to see it in hard copy first. John then said he would go and get a copy for me and check it out. He was already down town at work. I was excited. But still none of us had any idea how big it was. John then messaged me, and said, "It's on the front page....it's amazing!!" He was really excited. He told me not to get anyone else to get the paper for me, he wanted to be the one to bring it to me. I was really excited now! He kept saying on messenger....as he walked to the hospital....It's crazy! It's amazing sis!! When he reached my room, he unfolded the paper, and held it up for me to see. Then he opened it up, and showed me the two other pages. I was in shock. There was my family, in colour. There were my words, those words that I had written to Scarlett, and to my blogger buddies, right there in print. I was completely overwhelmed, and started to cry. Like really really cry. I knew then what it meant to me, to have people hear my story. Hear what I've been through, what I was going through. I felt like at that moment I did not need to explain to people about CF, about my limitations, about my fears, about my life. It was there. And perhaps, not everyone needs to be heard this way. But I did. I also wanted people to hear about Scarlett, about this baby, my baby that had changed my life. About my husband that was the love of my life. About an illness that is so terrible, and so hard to live with. Somehow this set me free. So I cried.

John cried too. "It's really good sis. It is. It's hard, but it's good." It was our own little miracle that morning. My brother and I. After all, he has been living with this as long as I have, in his own way. As the big brother of someone that he wanted always to protect and save, but just could not. I think he felt set free too. Our tears were not sad tears, or happy tears, they were something totally different. We really were in amazement of the efforts of Barbara, and The Star, to tell my story the best way they could. I think it was really well done.

Soon the day was just about people popping by on the ward. Everyone was so excited! They were so happy. They loved the pictures of Scarlett and me, and Martin. They cried with me. My nurse was so proud, you could tell. Her and I have become close (her being exactly my age) and I can tell she wants me to get these lungs so badly! Like so many people.

The outpouring of support has been steady. Email after email. Letter after letter. How can I not be uplifted. It feels like Toronto is out there cheering me on. How powerful is that you ask? Well, it's a sense that with all this energy, all this strength, we will make something amazing happen. I have no doubt.

Of course when you are this public, there are people that see things very differently. Are even aggressive. Angry. About my being public, about seeking the lime light (which seems silly for me to even write), about having a child 'knowing what I know'. And there have been people that have let me know exactly how they feel. I respect that being public means that people have a right to think and say what they choose to. The anger is sad, that people are that angry in general. But I understand where most people derive their ideas from, and have always been the one that has been judged about the choices that I made. Since being chronically ill always gave people the right to judge me. This has been a common thread in my life. So, what I will do is try to address some of the more common emails in later posts. There have not been many, I would say less than 1%. The others have been loving, and powerful messages of hope and encouragement. But these messages address important questions, that I have answers for, and that may be someone out there would like to hear. I know that I had many people defending me on the Star blog, and I thank everyone for doing that, but this is not about getting angry or defensive. I truly understand where most people are coming from, and think why not address this without anger, without hostility, but conversation.

The fact is, this got people talking. About organ donation, and about CF. This is what we wanted. I am certain that someone signed their organ card today as a result. I am certain of that. I am also certain that many people went home and gave their kids an extra long hug and kiss today. Reminding themselves of how precious life is, and how quickly it can change for any one of us.

Toronto, thank you for all your support today! It has been incredible. Another miracle.