Panic Attacks.

When no one can explain a medical behaviour, or pattern of occurrences. It's a panic attack.

I am not against the diagnosis, not at all. After all I have something to panic about. But I am not so certain that's what we're dealing with here. Time will tell. I am using some new medication and trying to see if things get better at all.

Last night things got really bad. My dad was here with me, after Martin went home to bathe Scarlett, and saw me progressively get more and more unstable. What started off as a low grade fever, ended up as increased heart rate, respiratory rate (which is already high at rest) and blood pressure (which I never have a problem with). I felt like I was going to explode. My chest was so tight, I could not breathe and taking a deep breath was incredibly painful, and as time went on impossible. At the height of it, I was suffocating, choking, and feeling like I was dying. Terror.

This time they did an ECG. Last time it was due to my being up for too long and getting desaturated. This time there was no such moment. It just started to build up in me: The breathlessness, the tightness, the fever and the burning in my lungs. The ECG showed nothing. I knew it would show nothing. (my heart is perfect thank you) The doctor on call was not exactly someone that I knew would come to any conclusion. It was late at night, and after a conversation about what he would get me for the pain (more Percs) and to help me relax (Ativan) he actually asked me the question that I get with dread (do you know when your transplant will be?) ......what? you're a doctor?! How can I possibly know when it will be? When I get that question from friends or family, I think they just don't know, they have not thought about transplant. But from a doctor? It's scary. I smile, and say, well it's not from a living donor.....they smile and GET IT. I think. I hope. I guess my doctors have to sleep sometime. But I wish they didn't.


Anyhow, so right now we're waiting to see when is the next time this panic will unfold again. We are trying to stay ahead of the pain, which in my opinion lead to my panic. And if that's not enough, that mild sedative. Personally I would not mind being 'mildly sedated' more often than not in this situation. It's hard. And sleep is the only thing that really makes me happy. Restful, glorious sleep with my Bi-Pap. Anything else leaves me out of breath, choking. Something gasping. Right now I am on a tiny tiny little sliver of Ativan that I let dissolve under my tongue. Not even 1mg. half that. I want to see if it helps with that tightness inside my rib cage. All it really does, is make me really sleepy like everything else. I just want to reduce those episodes, they terrify me. I try everything to calm them away, but nothing works.


My dad and I talked about it last night, after I was back to myself. I told him that I have definitely noticed that since January, I have been more and more insecure to sleep without light or the tv (and this is SO not me), that I liked sleeping with noise and people around, even being up at night and sleep in the day. Nights at home, when everyone was asleep and I was so scared of falling asleep since it was becoming so hard for me. Again this is before Bi-pap. I had just developed habits that were curious, and a reflection of how anxious I have become. Recently I have to say, when I close my eyes I think about only a few things. I think about getting through the operation. I think about Martin and Scarlett's life if I don't make it to getting my lungs. And I don't get sad, I get panicked! Is it possible that Scarlett will never know me? What a crazy thought to even think, but I know, it's all about the toss of a coin. Timing. And things can go one way or the other. and we can believe and pray and hope, but anything can happen. I certainly have known people that were loved and cared for my communities of people, and though it seemed unthinkable, they did not get their miracle in time. Unthinkable. Unless I am very very tired, I think about these things, and I wish I would not. They are not helping me. But I think that's the nature of anxiety. When you fall into that cycle. Anyhow, next week when my doctors are back in rounds, I will have a conversation with them about seriously helping me get through this wait with less panic, and more calm. Since I want to be calm. I am calm. But something deep inside me is evidently having a rough time. No shame in it.

For your viewing pleasure, my baby at 3 months.

Happy 3 months baby cakes!! Mommy will get those lungs soon and be home in no time!! xoxo