Today was a difficult day for me. It seems strange that now, when we are finally over the 12 week hurtle, that I seem to be more emotional and unsure than I was when the pregnancy was so new and so fragile it was barely there. Today, I felt the sadness of not being there for my unborn baby, in so many ways, I felt that distance between us and it made me terribly terribly sad.
Today (well yesterday now, I'm writing quite late) was our 12 week multiple marker screen. There was an ultrasound and blood work. Originally we were not planning to do this, as we would never terminate a pregnancy, no matter what medical information we found out. But when the time came near, Martin and I decided that it was a good idea to be equipped with the proper medical information if indeed there was something special our baby would need from us, both in the delivery room, and later on in life. Information is power, so we decided to go ahead and do the testing. The appointment was at 9am, and since the distance between us is quite substantial, Beth told us that she would happily go alone. We are planning to see her this Friday anyway for our prenatal. I thought about this decision, to not be at the ultrasound, and thought that it was the right decision. I would have to wake up nearly in the middle of the night to make it out there, and since Martin is away in Europe right now, I would have to do it alone in the snow. I knew that this was not a possibility, and since Beth was comfortable with the decision, we were too.
After the appointment was over, I called Beth and got the scoop. She told us that the baby looked great. You could clearly see the little head, and legs and arms. It made me so happy!! Beth and I had a great chat about what she saw on the screen, and that she had pictures for us, and I was satisfied that everything was okay. I quickly emailed Marty in Zurich, and called my mom to tell her.
It was not until later on in the day that I suddenly broke down in tears. Sobbing tears. What was I crying about?! The baby was doing well, Beth was feeling well, my health was good. But I had such an aching pain in my heart. I realized that, all day I was thinking that when that ultrasound was done, no one in that room was looking at my baby with the love of a mother or father. I know Beth was there cheering our little one on, I know that. But I felt somehow, that the ultrasound is when baby and I connect. Like he or she can see me, just like I can see baby. But I was not there, and our baby didn't see me. It's like it's the first time that this distance has bothered me. The first time that I have cried about not being the one carrying. I also knew quite well, that I was not there, not so much because of the distance, or the snow, or the drive. I was not there due to my illness, a worry for my health. The drive would have been hard on me in this weather, as I try to stay in as much as possible as to not get sick. That feeling made me feel more empty than I ever have.
So today was hard. As this baby grows, I am in desperate need to feel that growth. To connect somehow. To let him or her know that Martin and I are thinking all the time about our little one. We think about baby all the time.
I think about holding you.
I think about touching your toes and fingers.
I think about the day that you will be with us, be home.
I think about who you will look like.
I think about looking into your eyes for the first time.
I dream about your cries...all the time!! Sometimes it wakes me up in the morning, the sound of your cry.
I dream about you knowing that I am your mommy, and that daddy is daddy.
I love you already.
I could go on and on.....instead I have decided that I will write a thought about our baby at the end of every post from now on. So that one day our little babe can read about just how much they meant to us, even at just 12 weeks.
This sadness of mine, is temporary, it is fleeting I know that. I don't care for it to stick around for much longer!! It is also not at all a reflection of how I feel about our surrogate Beth. My baby is in such great hands with her, I cannot ask for anything else. In all of my emptiness, she is so much salvation and relief. My saddness is my own, and as I said, I don't care for it to stick around for long.
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7 comments:
Big hugs lady. What you have experienced today is the normal shift for intended Moms into the 2nd trimester. It's not easy and it may linger for a while. Emotionally understanding surrogacy is difficult to prepare for and it can be a roller coaster at times. It was at this point where our GS started using the home doppler and she would play baby's heartbeat for me over the phone and I would sit there and listen in awe and cry. It helps a lot and it maybe an idea to hook Beth up with a doppler on Friday if you haven't already. You will always be connected to your little baby because you are the Mother. That invisible tie is forever binding and you have to put everything else aside and believe in that. You are doing really great Nat. As you move through the 2nd trimester, you will begin to get a lot more of the pregnancy information which really helps. Your baby is just so incredibly busy growing right now so he or she can come home to you. Just think about how long you carried that egg around for - 29 years - 9 months away from you isn't really all that long in the grand scheme!
Hugs and love,
S
Hang in there sweetie!! You will be holding your baby before you know it!
I wish I could take away that distance and sadness you have. I can only imagine the struggles one goes through, especially during a huge milestone like this. Like S said, you carried that egg around for so long, but um 7 ***yes 7 months is all there is left, you can do it! And crying is always good for the soul, as well as journalling and writing to baby your thoughts and desires. Hugs.
Hugs to you!!! What sweet words you wrote to your little one.
I remember oh so well how i felt at 12 weeks - scared S**tless!!! I survived the pregnancy by doing the milestone thing - 12 weeks, ultrasound/heartbeat, 3d etc and at 12 weeks all the excitement of becoming a father fell off me and all the realization of becoming a FATHER hit me like a truck!
BUT - I managed to keep going, despite my fears and so will you! it is only natural to feel worried.
TO make matters worse for you, is knowing you are pregnant but not pregnant.
No worries though, the next 24+ weeks are going to fly by - you will be way to busy preparing for the arrival of the little one to worry or be sad/depressed TOO much.
And when NOTHING works - write a blog entry and let us help you pass the moment with our wise-cracking comments :-)
I dont think i made much sense but Tayleigh is keeping me awake half the night so i beg indulgance...LOLOL
xo
Mark
Like Mark we broke everything down into milestones - I found that helped pass the weeks, and with each milestone I felt a little more secure about the pregnancy. I actually found the 2nd trimester to be the hardest as an IM - not totally sure why, but I struggled often in that 2nd tri.
One thing we did that really helped was to record messages and other things like my hubby playing guitar and us singing songs for her, and then my sister played that to her belly. We did it on a fairly regular basis, sometimes just chit chatting to her so she would get to hear our voices more regularly.
Hang in there - this is a trying journey for sure, but the end result is SO worth it : )
(((HUGS))) Your post is so touching. It is honestly the joy and heartache of an Intended Mom and you described it so well. Wishing you a safe pregnancy. We'll share baby photos in 7-8 months time, k. Take care!
Thinking of you...
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