God only knows.....

We have been back from Jamaica now for several weeks. Almost a month. I did indeed feel really well when I was there, pretty much right off the plane I felt better. After a few days there, I was breathing better and feeling a good 45% better than in the Toronto deep freeze. It makes me a little sad when that happens. Since it only tells me that the climate has a huge effect on how I am feeling. It makes me sad, since I know that after our weeks vacation I am going to be back to feeling so-so back home. And a few weeks later I will end up on IV's again, and the cycle will continue. When we got back, I did indeed start to feel worse pretty much the 2nd day back. Runny nose, fatigue, increased cough. Here we go again, as expected I thought. Then about a week into being back, I got a pretty bad strep-throat infection. My throat was very sore, and I felt terrible. I was in bed for a few days, and somehow, felt better quite fast.

Now what has happened next, has been a mystery to me. I steadily became better and better over the last few weeks. Martin has been away for at least half of that time, and though I was quite miserable being alone so much, my health was really really good. Days went by and I thought to myself, what has changed? Something must have changed. I have felt terrible for at least a year now, with never ending IV's and constantly trying to get better from one infection while trying to stay clear of a new infection looming. Normally I would expect to feel like I needed IV's right now, and then I would hold off for about two more weeks, until I would finally have to give in and start home IV antibiotics out of sheer defeat. But, and this is a big but, today, I feel great. And in fact I have felt great for about a week now. Usually I count the consecutive days to feeling 'good' since it's never more than a small few. Not this time however.

Now, as chronic illness goes, as CF goes, this is not a rarity. People do terrible for years and years, and then out of nowhere they feel better and rebound quite amazingly for a couple of years. But I have felt so terrible for so long, that I did not expect to feel better without new lungs any time soon. I resigned to the fact that for the next few years I would have to make due with feeling pretty lousy, and wait it out until I got my new lungs, though in truth my doctors are not talking about transplant with me at all quite yet - this is more how I see my future. This however has thrown me for a loop! Now I am not complaining, oh NO, I'm not complaining, but I am shocked. I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find it hard to go to bed at night, since I am so afraid to wake up feeling the way that I am so used to feeling. But today, just like the day before, I have opened my eyes in the morning and my breathing is deep, my pulse is steady, and my lungs seem somehow calmer, less irritated, somehow happier.

Somehow, I feel renewed by this new well being. Even if tomorrow I wake up not well at all, I have been reminded that you never ever ever know what will be of tomorrow. We always expect things to be shockingly bad (well some of us anyhow), but sometimes things are just shockingly good!! And there is no rhyme or reason to explain any of it. But the reminder is glorious. We are human, and so much is not in our hands! God only knows...

Peanut, I was thinking today of all the things that I want to share with you. I want to have as much time as possible to be a good mom to you. I only hope that I will have it.