Time seems to be flying by. We are approaching the 9 week mark, and things seem to be going really well. Beth is feeling tired, and a little worn down, which is understandable. I feel terrible that I am so far from her, and wish I lived closer so that I could help her out. But it is what it is. I am just happy that when the pregnancy gets more advanced the snow will hopefully be gone by then!! The past couple of days have been true winter days here in Toronto!!
As the pregnancy advances and becomes a little more real each day, I often think about the life that this baby will have. The life that we will be able to provide for him or her. Not in terms of material things, but in terms of the type of parents and the type of family we will be. I guess it's that time of the year, the Holiday season, that gets me thinking about such things. I think about this upcoming summer of 2009 when that little baby will join our family. My son or daughter. I cannot believe I will be a mom. Marty cannot believe he will be a daddy.
Yet I cannot help but think about how my life living with CF will affect my baby. We of course recognize that we will need a lot of help with a new born, and we are making arrangements for that, such as having a live in nanny for example. But I am less concerned about the baby years, and more concerned about the future, when the realization of what CF is, and that mom is very sick becomes a reality for this child. It is something that all parents think about I am sure, in one way or another. I want to do everything possible to protect this child from harm, yet I know that my reality is theirs. I know that they will always know more about illness, hospitals, IV's, infection, transplant, and the tough part of life, than many of their friends. Yet I'd like to think that our little baby will also know so much love! They will see human will, and the power of hope and determination. The power of faith, and the power of family. The power of medicine, and our belief in it. The power of the country that we live in that makes sure I am as well as I can be, and that takes care of me as it does all it's citizens. The power of freedom. The power of security in family and friends. The power of positive thinking. The power of helping others. I could go on, and sometimes I do, to help myself overcome the fears that I have otherwise.
Part of the reason that I am writing this blog, is so that I can keep my memories of this child coming into the world in writing. I want to make sure that I can read some of these words one day, and remember what I felt. I also want to have these words for my baby, when he or she is no longer a baby, and when by chance I am no longer here to comfort them. Now I plan to be around for a long long time, but I also know that sometimes things do not work out like we plan. I know that within the next 5 years I will most likely need a double lung transplant. I know that the prognosis is good, but I also know that I need to be ready always. My family needs to be ready. So these words are for my baby. For the adult that he or she will be. These words are an expression of my deep love and commitment to his or her life.
So many things running through my ahead, as I think about this baby. I guess it's that time of year.
Tomorrow Martin and I leave for Jamaica. We'll be there over Christmas, and we won't be on the Internet, though we are still contemplating taking our laptops...hmm.. Anyhow I want to wish everyone the most amazing holidays ever. I know for some of you this holiday season is hard, it is filled with sadness and grief. I know for some it is filled with anticipation for what will come in the new year (S!!). And there are those that have with them everything they need and are more thankful than they have ever been before. No matter who you are, know that there is someone in this world, feeling what you are feeling at the moment. You are not alone.
Happy Holidays everyone!!!
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5 comments:
What a beautiful post Nat. It brought tears to my eyes to read it. In this life, not everything turns out as we want it to. What you have experienced at such a young age is something that people do not experience until late in life. But everyone in this life will have their challenge and you face yours with so much grace and dignity. CF does not make you any less worthy of being a Mom and your baby will grow up with a knowledge of true love and a wisdom to take life, live it and be so grateful. If only life can be perfect - but what is perfection really in the grand scheme of things? Life is what you make it and I have no doubt that you and Martin will make your child's life the best it can possibly be!
Jamaica! Oh you lucky thing. Enjoy, happy holidays and I can't wait for you to get back!!! Hugs and love!
I'm so glad you can see things in the positive light that your children will learn so much and be inspired so much by seeing your will and determination. It is absolutely true. Your family is blessed to have you.
I know someone who has had a double lung transplant and is doing really great. I'm guessing you probably have support through others you know already, but if you want to talk to someone, let me know and I'm sure he would be happy to share!
when you will read this you will have had an amazing time in Jamaica and are tanned making us all jealous - MERRY XMAS!!!
I love your post. I feel the same way. The reason I started our blog is for Tayleigh to know what it was like not from stories we tell 15 years later but from when they happen.
And of course you provide some wonderful insights of who you and Martin are. Makes me like you even more reading everything you think about!!!!
Mark
You are an inspiration and I just know your will power and determination will overcome many things. Your going to be a great mother, and your child will be blessed to have learned these lessons from you!
Amazing!!!!
Your child will be stronger and braver and simply put, a better person for having known you! It makes a person build character to suffer, just as you have proven with your post, so your child will also. As I see in lots of kids today, my step-son included, so many kids are selfish and have endless wanting with no compassion for those less fortunate or different. It is sad. We have the chance to make our children different...I think it is a blessing...of course they will be sad for us, but so much happiness will come from us having kids...you are lucky, you are so much closer to your dream than I am, so I am jealous too...
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