Never expected this

This past weekend was a mixed bag of good and not so good. Martin and I enjoyed some time together with Scarlett and family and friends. Then yesterday I had a terrible day. Strange symptoms and pain, everything came crashing down. No idea what was going on. My Sats were 99%, my FEV1 that morning was really high 3.1L. So what was going on? I started to shake, and had cold sweats. No fever. Just agony. It got worse and worse. I ended up in bed, falling in and out of sleep.


It took me a while to figure out that I was having withdrawal from a pain killer that I am on, Oxycodone. What?! Are you serious? This is not happening? This is all I need!! I actually hate the drug. I don't like the way it makes me feel, but when I was in terrible pain, it helped me deal with it. The worst part of all this, is that I was never told that the dose that I am on could be so addictive. I had the understanding that it was such a low dose, that I could stop taking it when I thought it was time, and that would be that. So that's what I did. I stopped taking it, and this is what I got. Now, I have been in a lot of pain during the last 5 months, but I can safely say that this is some of the worst pain - withdrawal. Of course I read all about it, and figured out quite quickly that this could be a serious problem. This is why people can't get off them, the pain of doing so is unbearable to many people. Grrr....I don't need this!!


Anyhow, so as of now, I went back onto the dose that I was prescribed. As to alleviate the withdrawal. I don't want to do anything to harm myself, but I also want to get off these pills ASAP. I certainly feel like my team dropped the ball on this. That hospitals and clinics do not talk to their patients enough about the nature of these drugs. Again, I was always very careful when taking pain killers in the hospital since I did not want to become too sleepy and inactive. But I saw people that were on such high doses, for so long, that I think it hindered their tx recovery. And it seems like the doctors and staff do not pay any attention to the addiction that could result. But addiction never crossed my mind. I had no idea that the physical nature of addiction could be this powerful. I have NO emotional need for this drug. I don't like how it makes me feel, and only have used it when in extreme post operative pain, which I have experienced. Now all of a sudden I try to stop taking it, and my body goes nuts.

Needless to say I am frustrated to have this obstacle. I am also quite scared to start to come off the pain meds, now that I know how sick I can get. My body just seems so sensitive to everything after tx, its amazing. I try to stay focused and positive and recognize that this all takes time and it's all a process, but I also get down when things get set back like this. When I have little control and need to sit back and take it easy and wait until things settle down. I try very hard to think that this will pass, and it will be over, like all the other things that have happened since November 21st. But it's really hard sometimes. These seem to be some of the most extreme symptoms yet.

I have called my tx team and we'll see what the plan will be. I am sure I will have to go on smaller and smaller doses, and still experience withdrawal. I actually just want to make sure I can get off them, and then never take them again. It's not worth it! I feel like such a dummy that I took these pills in the first place. Certainly put myself in harms way, and set myself back.

As for other tx frustrations - since I seem to be on the topic - I am in the process of booking my 3 month assessment. The booking is all over the place, and it's giving me stress. Things like having my lung function done at 7am and seeing the clinic at 2pm. Those long days kill me, and keep me away from home. Obviously I am generally frustrated today and need to re-focus.