Jamaica 2008, and week 10!!

I feel like I have been away for ever, but it has only been a week. It is amazing what a week does. A week away from the cold, away from the everyday!

Martin and I had a great holiday. It was amazing. One of our first holidays that nothing went wrong, nothing was difficult. Everything went smoothly with my travelling, and once we got there, we could really enjoy the beautiful resort, the perfect weather, and some time alone. It was just so relaxing. We talked a lot, and got to really focus on what we wanted for the future, and what we were going to do before our baby arrives. We have lists and lists...haha.

(That's me before dinner in Jamaica, December 25, 2008)

We are now a week and a half from the 12 week mark, and I am so happy to hear it. I want everything to go smoothly and sometimes feel like time is standing still in my anxious thinking and waiting. But with everything going smoothly week by week, I feel more confident in this baby making it into our lives one day. The 12 week mark will be fantastic.

I am excited about starting to plan the nursey and some other things that we have wanted to get done around the house. Since I know I will not want to do it when the baby does arrive. So we're making lists and will be trying to check things off during this winter and spring. There's a lot to do, but I am excited about getting some of this done. Both Martin and I love to make lists and getting organized, which makes us a little nutty, but on top of things. Usually =)

As we near the second trimester, I am very excited about seeing Beth's belly grow. I cannot wait to see that baby grow inside her, and cannot wait to feel closer to the pregnancy. I am looking forward to telling those people that do not know yet that we are expecting. I cannot wait for it all!!

(Martin December 25, 2008)

I hope that everyone has had an amazing holiday season. I also wish everyone so much happiness and great news in 2009.

Nearly 9 weeks.

Time seems to be flying by. We are approaching the 9 week mark, and things seem to be going really well. Beth is feeling tired, and a little worn down, which is understandable. I feel terrible that I am so far from her, and wish I lived closer so that I could help her out. But it is what it is. I am just happy that when the pregnancy gets more advanced the snow will hopefully be gone by then!! The past couple of days have been true winter days here in Toronto!!


As the pregnancy advances and becomes a little more real each day, I often think about the life that this baby will have. The life that we will be able to provide for him or her. Not in terms of material things, but in terms of the type of parents and the type of family we will be. I guess it's that time of the year, the Holiday season, that gets me thinking about such things. I think about this upcoming summer of 2009 when that little baby will join our family. My son or daughter. I cannot believe I will be a mom. Marty cannot believe he will be a daddy.


Yet I cannot help but think about how my life living with CF will affect my baby. We of course recognize that we will need a lot of help with a new born, and we are making arrangements for that, such as having a live in nanny for example. But I am less concerned about the baby years, and more concerned about the future, when the realization of what CF is, and that mom is very sick becomes a reality for this child. It is something that all parents think about I am sure, in one way or another. I want to do everything possible to protect this child from harm, yet I know that my reality is theirs. I know that they will always know more about illness, hospitals, IV's, infection, transplant, and the tough part of life, than many of their friends. Yet I'd like to think that our little baby will also know so much love! They will see human will, and the power of hope and determination. The power of faith, and the power of family. The power of medicine, and our belief in it. The power of the country that we live in that makes sure I am as well as I can be, and that takes care of me as it does all it's citizens. The power of freedom. The power of security in family and friends. The power of positive thinking. The power of helping others. I could go on, and sometimes I do, to help myself overcome the fears that I have otherwise.


Part of the reason that I am writing this blog, is so that I can keep my memories of this child coming into the world in writing. I want to make sure that I can read some of these words one day, and remember what I felt. I also want to have these words for my baby, when he or she is no longer a baby, and when by chance I am no longer here to comfort them. Now I plan to be around for a long long time, but I also know that sometimes things do not work out like we plan. I know that within the next 5 years I will most likely need a double lung transplant. I know that the prognosis is good, but I also know that I need to be ready always. My family needs to be ready. So these words are for my baby. For the adult that he or she will be. These words are an expression of my deep love and commitment to his or her life.

So many things running through my ahead, as I think about this baby. I guess it's that time of year.

Tomorrow Martin and I leave for Jamaica. We'll be there over Christmas, and we won't be on the Internet, though we are still contemplating taking our laptops...hmm.. Anyhow I want to wish everyone the most amazing holidays ever. I know for some of you this holiday season is hard, it is filled with sadness and grief. I know for some it is filled with anticipation for what will come in the new year (S!!). And there are those that have with them everything they need and are more thankful than they have ever been before. No matter who you are, know that there is someone in this world, feeling what you are feeling at the moment. You are not alone.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Busy Busy Busy

The last few days have been crazy. It seems like the holiday season is crazy, and only getting crazier each year. The funny part is that Martin and I are going away this year, so we're not really getting tons of gifts and it's still crazy busy.

Where are we going you ask? Well, we don't know yet. Haha!! We always, as a rule, travel last minute since I tend to get sick last minute. So we wait until a few days before, and since there is no shortage of places we can go, and due to the wonderful world of the Internet, booking often can be done within 20 minutes. We are planning to leave next Sunday the 21st and be back in a week, on the 28th. Oh...the bliss. A beach, some salt water, some sun....I am in heaven.

This leads me (travel that is) to some interesting points with respect to travelling with a CF patient. I think of it now, and I write about it now, since every time I mention a vacation, Martin has that terrified look on his face. Why? Well, to date, we have never had a non eventful holiday when it comes to my CF. Not because I get sick, that has never been a problem, (in fact I usually do well in the sun and surf) but as a result of things only a person who travels with a pharmacy can understand.

Yes, the fact is that I travel with a pharmacy. It's something I'm used to at home, it's not something that I think about, how much medication I am actually on. But when I am travelling, it gets to the point that I have to REALLY want to go somewhere to go through the hassle. Let me elaborate, as to paint a picture for you.

Our travels start with my packing for the trip. A normal person packs a few essentials for a week of fun in the sun, may be some sunscreen and a bikini. My packing starts with my meds. And oh how much fun that is. I start with pills, they are the easiest. I take 8 different kinds, about 12 a day, about 32 when you count enzymes. Then inhaled meds, like puffers, which there are 4 of. Then the nebulized meds, many tiny little viles and some larger ones of liquid that I breathe in with the help of a nebulizer and masks, 2 times a day. Then my 'refrigerated' meds, that I have to keep in a small cooler since they need to be cold. Those I leave in the fridge until the last minute. Then my insulin (2 kinds) and my pens, diabetic testing supplies, extra needles, and an extra pen for my carry on. Lastly I pack my supplements and herbal drugs that help me with the side effects of my regular drugs. Ahh, see what I mean!! Once that is all squared away, and I am sure that I am not missing anything, I get to the big stuff. I pack 2 masks for my nebulizer and some extra tubing (just in case) since I know I cannot get this stuff if need-be in many places in the world. Then of course I pack my nebulizer which is a pretty small machine, but still pretty heavy, so I need to check my bag, and the percussor, slightly larger and more heavy. Of course I am always stressed that I forget something, or that I did not count right, so I pack extras, and then extras for the extras. It gets silly really.

After the packing is over, I feel like I need a vacation more than ever!! Next is the actual booking. I make sure that I can get oxygen on the flight, as it helps me to stay saturated and makes the flight that much more pleasant. Now I do not desaturate on land, and in fact I don't think I really desaturate to an unsafe level in the air, but I know that this ads a little bit of security for me. Once that is done, I make sure that I have all the proper documentation from my doctors regarding what crazy things I need to take with my on the plane, like diabetic needles and insulin. I also get a note from my clinic regarding ways to contact OHIP if I am in desperate medical attention over seas. Now I have never felt this was necessary, but it is something I cannot risk. For me an extra day with an infection might mean life or death, so having the proper contacts and documentation is crucial.

So, now we are ready to go. We call the airport limo, we get ourselves to the airport and all seems fine. I usually don't have too much issues with the flight itself. Though by the time that we get to where we are going, I am usually quite tired, and in need of a mask to get my breathing back after the flight. After about a day of recuperating from the flight, I am ready to go. Packing for the return home, is much nicer!!

And then, my favourite thing, electricity issues!! Always power issues, since both my nebulizer and the percussor take quite a bit of power to run, and thus we always run into electricity issues. It seems like no matter how hard we prepare and research and prepare some more, there are always issues. They send me into a panic of, "what are we going to do" since I can last about a day or two before not having my inhalations will result in my being sent away to the hospital, not to mention that I feel winded and tight chested within 6 hours of doing a mask. Scary stuff. And of course nothing any one wants to deal with on a vacation.

So there is my rant, my vent, my disdain with travelling with a chronic illness. It's not all stress and confusion of course. Once everything is sorted out and planned ahead, we enjoy the beach, and the water, and candle lit dinners by the sea. So my complaint comes with a dash of sarcasm and a pinch of disbelief, since in hind sight we always laugh at the people in line with the luggage twice the size of ours!! What do they have in there?

Below is a picture of Martin in the sand on our last vacation last year. It took me a long long time to get him all covered up!! Now that's a great shot!! haha!!

As for an update on Beth, and our little growing baby; Everything seems great thus far! As you can see, our little one no longer has a tail...what a relief!! And it's looking more and more like a little person every day. I think about her or him every day of my life now, and continue to be in disbelief about how lucky we are to have this experience, and this chance to be parents.

The people in my life.

Recently, for many reasons, I have been thinking about the people in my life that really matter. The people that make my life what it is. The special family and friends that have made me the person that I am.

The first person that I think of is Martin, my awesome husband. He's everything to me. He's by far the smartest person that I know. When we first met, we only dated for a short little lit before I knew he was the guy. The thing that made me love him so much, so quickly, was his hair. No I'm kidding, though he does have amazing hair!! It was not his perfect skin (he's going to kill me..haha) and his non-accent. (he's Irish, but does not have an accent since he's been in Canada for over 20 years...but he says 'pram' instead of stroller and when he pronounces 'garage' you really don't know what he's talking about) It was not his sense of humour, though he tends to send me into coughing fits from laughing so hard. It was, his big fat brain. He just seemed SO smart. And soon enough I found out it was not just an illusion, he was in fact really bright, and very modest about his abilities. He's also a really good Tennis and Squash player, but that impressed me less, since I am not that good at either sport.

Martin amazed me in his confidence as an entrepreneur. He always lept into his projects and never doubted his abilities. How many times did I say....'Are you sure honey...what if it doesn't work out..what if???' But Marty always convinced me otherwise, and made it happen!! It was just awesome to watch, a true businessman at work. We did take many risks, but I would not have done it any other way. Martin always knew what he was doing, and I was always, and still am very attracted to that.

The best part about Marty though, by far, is he does not know how smart and talented he is!!! He is the most modest person I know, and that, is SEXY!!

(Left: Knox, Caroline, and Martin)

Needless to say, my love for him extends past the above. He is loving, and caring, and has learned SO much about what it is to be a CF husband in such a short period of time, it amazes me everyday. He has made me stronger, better, smarter, and thinks I'm just as pretty all dressed up, as I am with an IV pole by my bed. It's just beyond me how I got so lucky!!

The other people in my life that I just love so, so much are my mom, dad, and brother John. My mom is the rock of us all. She lets me do my thing, but when we need her, she is like a tornado of energy. My mom is a caregiver, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cook, an engineer, my personal CF researcher, you name it. She also takes care of Marty when he needs some care giving. May be when times are tough, and I'm ill, and the world just crumbles around us, my mom remembers that as much as I need her help, Martin does too. And that's just awesome. She treats him like a son, and is always a positive energy on our marriage. I cannot imagine how she does it. My mom also has always encouraged us to have babies. She did not want me to carry, but has understood that our marriage needed babies. What a blessing the woman is!!

My dad, if he was not my dad, would be my best friend. We are SO alike, oh my. Scary. We share the exact same opinions about everything, we look alike, we act alike, it's pretty funny. He is a really good husband and I have always thought that all men should be as involved as he was and is. As a child, he bathed us, and did all the mommy and daddy things. He loves to iron, and is really good at it, and irons EVERYTHING..haha. He keeps the house super clean, and when I was a kid I remember him ironing after dinner when we were all watching TV, or chatting, more than any other memory. I think that's so funny!! I used to think that this was normal until I met other dads that never ever ironed or did house work in their lives. He is the best role model for Martin that I could ask for. He is caring and loving, and funny, and really really smart. I still think he knows everything, and I thought I was supposed to grow out of that when I was a kid. In many ways Marty and my dad are more and more alike each day. That is a compliment for both Martin and my dad.

My dad gets choked up when we talk about baby bean. He loves that grandbaby so much already, and just celebrates with Martin and I everyday. My mom and dad's love for both Martin and I, their acceptance of who we are and what we need, as well as their joy at us expecting this little one, is just beyond words.

I also have an older brother, John, who's a few years older than me. John and I are either really alike or really different, but this means that we argue a lot. May be not a lot, but enough that I can safely say sometimes he drives me nuts!!! If we keep politics, religion, and basically any other topic off limits, we are fine. Otherwise once we start, it always ends up way too heated. BUT.....John is the best person ever to have while in the hospital. He cares about me so much, I think he has changed many things in his life to make sure he can be there for me when I am sick. He is the one that has the night-shift at the hospital, ALWAYS. Martin has just realized this is the way that it is. John takes time off work, reschedules everything, to make sure that he will only leave when I am totally okay to be alone. Most times when I am in, I am alone most of the day and night, with visitors only in the evening. I am usually very well, just on IV's for tune-ups. But there have been those times when I was very sick. I do not sleep at all during those nights, so needless to say there have been some rough times. I think John has been through some hard times, seeing me so sick. But he's a champ. Always consistent, always my big brother. His dedication to me as a brother is commendable, though I like it more when we argue about politics, since it's then that I know he views me as simply his sis, not as his sick sis. All the bickering is put aside when I am sick, and we are back to being best buds. I value having him as my big brother, and hope that one day when I get my new lungs, him and I are going to be able to snowboard together and he can breathe easy too, knowing that I'm finally breathing ok.

(Above: Me, my cousin Mark beside me, my cousin John left sitting, my brother John right sitting)

Now my family is everything, as you can tell, but there are so many other really cool people in my life. Martin and I have some amazing friends. Some old, some new. I have good friends from High School, and my girls from University. I have friends from all over the world that have CF, or have had lung transplants, whom I keep in touch with via the Internet. Martin and I have a large group of friends from his high school days, that we feel in some way will always be a group, and that will grow old with us. We celebrated each others weddings, and now are having children together. Though we rarely get everyone in the same room at the same time (since we're talking about over 10 couples) when we do, it's always a good time, and something I hope will stay a constant in our lives for ever and ever.

(Christmas dinner, December 2008, with our friends, about a week ago!!)

My extended family is not very big, but I have to say that everyone has always been very supportive with regards to my CF, my life, my marriage, and now my pregnancy. We are the only ones in Toronto, so seeing everyone is difficult. Some live in Poland, some in Chicago, some in Paris. It's hard not to see everyone, but I know that they are always there when it counts, like our wedding day.

(Our wedding reception....all the good people in our lives)

I feel like my network of support and love goes much much further than what I have written above. There are so many people that I correspond with, like the people I have met through this blog. There are the people that have become my new friends over the years. There are the nurses at my CF ward that I have known for over 10 years now. There is my post office friend, whom I speak to about CF, our baby, our marriage, every time I stop in to mail something for our business (which is very often)....strange may be, but we have the best talks!!!! haha. There is the lady that does my hair, and my waxing, and....well...you get the idea. Many amazing people that have somehow shared in my life, and my story, and are now really excited about little baby Ritchie. I am a true believer that sharing with the people that you connect with in life is gold. Discarding those that are somehow a drag on your life a necessity.

Our first ultrasound

Today was a special day. Before I go on, I know you guys want the news, 1 or 2? Well, we are having 1. One perfect little baby. Below is our ultrasound picture. 7 weeks, 1 day. Our due date was moved up to July 26th, 2009.

It was such a thrill seeing his or her little heart beat. That strong indication of life. I watched in amazement. Martin and I created that little life, and we are so thankful. So very thankful.

I loved to see Beth again. She lives a few hours away, so seeing her is a treat. She looked great, and was so excited and amazed right along with me.

The thrill of it all is hard to explain. It is hard to put into words how I could love something so much that is .98 cm long. Something so small, but with such a strong heart already and will to live! I love this baby already. I looked at the ultrasound screen and could feel so much love for that little being. What a blessing, what a miracle. I was in heaven.

Today I am going to close my eyes as often as I can and remember that little movement of my babies heart. It is such a glorious image that I am going to savour the thought, and wait for Martin to come home so we can enjoy the moment together.

When we found out the good news!!

Tomorrow morning Beth and I are going to the first ultrasound. We will find out in exactly 24 hours, or so, if Martin and I are having 1 precious little baby, or 2. Marty has to work, as holiday time is precious in our house hold due to my being sometimes sick without warning. So the more we have stocked up the better. Plus we both decided that the next few are much more important.

My post today brings me to the time, when Martin and I finally found out that we were expecting. As always, the timing was not ideal. Martin was away in Estonia on business, and I was in the hospital on an IV 'tune up' after my IVF treatment. I had a minor infection in my lungs and needed to catch up what I had neglected during invetro.

Now the story goes, that our 2 week wait ended the day after Martin came back from Estonia, and I was to be back at home from the hospital. It was supposed to be a 'together' moment, but from past experiences we have learned that planning leads to disappointment, especially when dealing with infertility and a chronic condition. So, we were on day 5 of our 2 week wait, when another IP (S!!) told me over facebook that she found out her surrogate was pregnant on day 7. That freaked me out and I got all excited of course. Beth and I talked about it, and decided that we were going to do a home pregnancy test on day 7. November 13th. I told myself, that if it did not come back positive, I would wait to do another before I told Martin. I would only tell him (or anyone in my family) if we were in fact prego.

So let me paint you a picture. I am in the hospital. Though the setting is familiar to me (I have been a patient here dozens of times for weeks, sometimes months on end) it is a hospital. Not the ideal place to be when you hear such amazing news. But for those who don't know me, being in the hospital has never stopped me. Being on IV"s has never stopped me. I decided a long time ago, that if I waited until I was not sick any more to get things done in life, well, I would never get anything done. I would never enjoy a single moment. This was no exception. So I set my blackberry alarm clock for 6:30am and called Beth just before 7am on November 13th. Early, since Beth having 6 children of her own, needs to get the day started. And we all know, it is first-thing-in-the-morning pee that's best for such things.

I remember having that conversation that morning. I remember being excited like two high schoolers talking about what we're going to wear at prom. I remember her saying those magic words, and I remember tears running down my face as I sat in that hospital bed and very quietly whispered into the cell phone. We were going to have a baby!! Though it was the most unromantic of places, it was somehow fitting. My acceptance of the things I had to do to stay well. Just like the acceptance that it took to have another woman carry my baby for me. The thing is, it was not sad for me, having to hear the news how I heard it, since I had learned long ago that yeah, my life was different. It was not always what I wanted it to be. It was not always fair, or easy. It was sometimes too hard to speak about out loud without crying. It was sometimes even hard to imagine that this was me in the mirror, the girl that was born this sick. But what I have learned in 29 years, is that my life is just as worth while as any one else's. And if it took me finding out about our pregnancy in a hospital bed, well that is how it was meant to be. Somehow, over the years, it has become my normal.

Martin found out pretty much the same time as I did, while on a train from one Eastern European city to the next. I think the way he found out was very Hollywood movie circa 1952. But that's Martin, somehow things happen to him like in a movie. haha! Needless to say he was thrilled. Shocked!! Deliriously happy.

The funniest part of the whole thing came minutes after I hung up the phone with Beth. I will try to make the story short by adding that I had a roommate at the time in the hospital. Sometimes this happens. There are not enough beds, as per most hospitals. So I shared a room with (I will say this as gently and nicely as I can) an elderly crazy lady. And by crazy I mean crazy. Her respirology problems (that happened to have something to do with her smoking a few packs a day for 45 years) were the least of her worries. I will not get into specifics, since this is not that kind of blog, but I will say that I slept with our room door wide open as I was afraid CF would not be the only thing endangering my life that moment. Anyhow, to make my story that much more strange and not-as-I-planned it, the moment I got off the phone with Beth, crazy lady slid the curtain that divided our beds open, and proceeded to congratulate me on my pregnancy. I am sure she did not realize that I was not the one carrying, but from my conversation had managed to pick up that I was indeed going to have a baby. She grinned her toothless smile at me (don't ask..please) and proceeded to fill the room with her congratulatory crazy talk. With that pretty picture, I shall say Goodnight!!

IVF and all that followed

From the time that we decided that surrogacy was our answer, and just the right thing due to my health, to the time that we found out we were pregnant, nearly a year had passed. The moment that we decided that surrogacy was it, I started to look for someone that could help us. Someone that knew what was and what was not, possible. Someone that could give us answers to the multitudes of questions that we had.

We found Canadian Surrogacy Options in our first Google search. It makes me laugh to think that we made this baby via Google search, but in a way we did. In fact in a few weeks from that Google search, we had found Joanne (our life line to the surrogacy world) and started our search for that special woman to carry our baby. It was Joanne that introduced us to our doctor, Dr.D, a man that made the process so seemless, so easy, that Martin and I are both surprised to this day how easily it all happened.

It was sometime in early 2008, less than 3 months after contacting Joanne, that the call came, we had found someone to carry our baby! I have to say that this was a big day for us, that very special call. One of those moments in life when all the stars align, and the universe gives you a bit to be happy about, that hope that you so desperately seek in tough times. We knew then that things were moving forward, that this could, just may be, work out as we dreamt. It was hard still to imagine how a baby would emerge from all this. It was more like a business exchange at the beginning that anything else. Lots of administrative paper work, and counting our pennies. Thinking can we afford this now, can we afford this later? We started to plan and cut down on extras. We talked to family and got help where we could. Yet to be honest, it did not feel like we were making a baby. It felt like we were investing in a very high risk investment. Joanne was our broker. Our surrogate was on contract. It was not until later, when I got to know Beth (our surrogate) better and our doctor better, and even Joanne better, that I knew this was not just another transaction, not just a medical procedure, it was true magic, and that this baby was made with love, as babies should be made.

Meeting Beth our surrogate, was amazing. We clicked at once. She was sweet, caring, loving, funny, and most importantly she wanted to help us with all her heart. In fact her whole family wanted to help us. It was once we met, and started to communicate online and over the phone, that Martin and I realized that people are just so good. Our society at times does not give credit to it’s people’s good nature. Beth showed me that the moment I met her. Her near need to help us, the best way that she knew how, filled us with such hope, such peace, and such happiness, that from that point on we knew that not only this baby was going to be made, that we were going to be parents, but also that the way that we were making this baby was special. Special in the best way possible, and all shame, frustration and sadness about me not being able to carry left us at that moment. We were proud to share with those who would listen about our choice, not only because we knew it was right for us, but also because it was a true testament to the good will of people. We wanted to share that with everyone!!

During the summer of 2008 we decided on an October/early November transfer. By the time that we were all ready to go, financially ready, emotionally ready, and healthy enough to go ahead, October had arrived and we were suddenly thrown into the world of IVF. Dr.D was amazing, and so was his clinic. The nurses and ultrasound ladies were amazing, and made what could be a daunting task, easy, and may I say enjoyable?!
My last birth control pill was administered on October 13th. It was on that day that I also started the Lupron shots, to suppress my reproductive system. The shots were painless and easy. Being a diabetic (as a result of my CF) I was used to taking up to 8 insulin shots a day, so these were a breeze. We knew at that point that if everything went to plan we were scheduled for a November 3rd retrieval and a November 6th transfer. The fact that this was happening so quickly was just a trip!! We had moments in the kitchen when I was cooking in the evenings, when I would say things like…’you know that in a month we could technically be pregnant..’ to Marty, and he would look at me and smile and we would enjoy the moment. Trying not to think about what if it does not work….what if…what if. We just allowed ourselves to love the possibility!!

On October 28th my blood work came back looking good. I was suppressed and ready to start my hormones. This meant more of the same shots, and more minor side effects. Nothing I could not handle. In fact during the whole process I did not experience much noticeable side effects. I cried a little more, my emotions being a bit wacky. And I had some minor swelling in my belly. But compared to the poking and horrors of my CF treatments, this was truly a walk in the park. The worse part of stimulation for me was the drive to the clinic at 7am nearly every other day. Though the clinic is in the same city, it still took me 45 minutes to get there, and it wore me out. The visits were quick however. Blood work and ultrasound to make sure those eggs of mine were growing as they should. We ended up with 16 eggs growing beautifully, and I was delighted to hear that for once my body was not failing me!! Funny enough during IVF, I was the most normal that I have felt in a long long time.

During the end of stimulation I was at the clinic every day. On November 1st, after some minor adjustments to my meds to make sure that all the follicles were ready for extraction, we were ready to go. That Saturday we sat back and waited for Monday to arrive, retrieval day. We were a bit worried about it, since I knew that my lung function was only 38% and I was going to go under as to not feel pain. But I trusted Dr.D and I trusted God. I knew that I was in good hands, and was just looking forward to have it all said and done.


Monday morning, November 3rd, Martin and I arrived early for the procedure. It was a long morning, but everything went really well. I felt no pain, and in hind sight had nothing to worry about. We felt that the doctor as well as the staff at the clinic, were so amazing, and that they were on our side, wanting to do anything and everything they could to make this baby. I went home that afternoon very sleepy, and tired, and happy. My part was over. It was the next day that more good news came, we had 15 embryos waiting for us at the clinic. We were thrilled!!


November 6th could not come quickly enough. Beth and I spoke during that waiting time of a few days, and we were both so excited. We were going to do it!!


Transfer day was just an amazing day. We met Beth and her husband Don early at the clinic and waited around in the operating room together. There was a lot of chatting and laughing as we got to know Don. He was as gracious and nice as Beth, and once again our nerves were eased with the faith that we had in this couple to help us have our baby. By the end of the morning, we felt like old friends, it was a pleasure. The procedure was quick and easy. Beth was a champ, she was great. Martin and I both had tears in our eyes as our two little embryos were put into their new comfy home. It was incredible. Before the procedure we were given a picture of the two little embryos that were going to be inserted. They were prefect! They were Marty and I, in one incredible little package. Perfection!!

So the whole process was just as we would have dreamt it. Easy, stress free, and overall as we know now a success. We have and always will feel very lucky. I have so many people to thank for the process. Everyone at the clinic from the receptionist that always made me smile (even at 7am!!!), to the ultrasound technician that was always so professional (when all us girls know it could be quite uncomfortable at times), and of course to the wonderful Dr.D that wore a Halloween costume while doing my ultrasound on October 31st (always understated but always in good spirits)....all these people made me the process so much easier.

Today, we are 6 weeks 5 days prego!! Woohoo!! Each day is better and each day it is all the more real. On Monday we find out if we're having one or two....OMG!!! That's right you heard me OMG!! Either way we are thrilled, either way we are dreaming a lovely dream.

Where the story starts

The past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. This morning I was thinking about all that we've been through to get to this point, and when did it all start?

Before Martin and I got married we decided that we wanted babies. We talked about it a lot. How many, a girl, or a boy, may be a few. Shockingly we were not too concerned about how it would happen. I think back to it now and think that it might have had something to do with me feeling that of all the things that I was deprived of in my life due to my CF, this could not be one of them. People had kids all the time. No one stopped people from having babies, it was just one of those things. I felt like I deserved it, damn it!! So I ignored the fact that this was something that could be hard for us to do.

At that time, this was the beginning of 2006, I was not as unwell as I am now. The nature of the beast I guess. My lung function was in the high 40s to low 50s and I was on IV antibiotics every 4-5 months, so about 2-3 times a year. I had not been in the hospital for a long time, and seemed to be able to do many of the things that my peers could do. After several doctor visits (both CF and High risk OBGYN) I was given the go ahead to try to have a baby on my own. It was something that I was so happy about, and so we tried. Since this was the time before our wedding, I was not too concerned about tracking the time this took. As months passed by I never stopped and questioned why I was not getting pregnant. I just thought it took time.

On September 30th 2006 Martin and I got married. It was such an amazing day!! Everything was perfect. Our family and friends blessed us with a day that we will never forget. I felt on top of the world, as all my dreams were coming true. I was married!! My illness did not stop me from being the person that I wanted to be, and the person that I was meant to be. It was a magical feeling. I knew, I just knew that a baby would follow. I did however have fleeting thoughts about how it was going to happen.

2006 came to a close, and we were no further in understanding what was going on with our fertility. During that time, in fact most of 2007 Martin and I were very busy with our businesses and moving into a house that we were going to flip, and somehow everything was put on hold. I quickly realized during the summer of 2007 that I was not always ovulating, and that my periods were not as regular as I thought they were. I was also getting more and more chest infections, meaning that I was on IV antibiotics what seemed like all the time. The summer of 2007 was terrible for me. My lung function dropped into the high 30s and I was losing weight, feeling tired, and generally directed my focus to the reason why I was feeling so terrible. The last thing we thought about during that time was having or making a baby. It was a terrible time for us. I thought I had missed my window to carry a baby, since the year before I had felt so much better than I was feeling now. I was sad about it. I was feeling guilty that I had taken away that possibility from my husband, and most of all I was terrified that I would never experience being a mother, which was something I really thought one day would come.

In October 2007 Martin and I moved into the house that we are in now. We got it for many reasons. I loved it due to the neighbourhood, the schools, the kitchen!! I look back at it now, and I think Martin got it so that that I would not feel like I had missed anything. He wanted me to live in a home that was made for a family. A home that had seen it's fair share of children, family dinners, and it's fair share of growing up. It was more than we needed, being just the two of us living in it, but it was my husbands way to make me feel that we still had hope in our future. He wanted me to have this house, since my future was uncertain, and the feeling was now or never. Not later, but now! Later is sometimes hard to imagine when living with CF. Martin, I find out every day is a really good man.

What happened next only makes sense now, it certainly did not make sense at the time when it happened. One night in early 2008 I started to cough up blood. At first I thought it was just some rattling phlegm, nothing a nebulized mask or a puffer would not cure. It was the middle of the night (when all awful things seem to happen) and Marty was already in bed. I left the room and went across the hall to the bathroom (did not want to use the ensuite as it would wake Marty up) to see what was going on. Now for those that don't know, when one has CF, one has to get used to coughing up some nasty stuff. What can I say, it's something that you just get used to!! It's a way of telling a lot about the progression of the illness. The colour, the thickness....well I don't want to gross you out, but it will help with the rest of your understanding. So 2am, I step into the bathroom and proceed to cough up what could have easily been 2 cups of fresh hot blood.

No amount of years with CF prepares you for that moment. How can it? This had never happened to me before. It was out of a horror movie. The truth is, looking back, at that moment I thought I was going to die. I stood there for a while I think. Scared, not wanting to move. I knew what was ahead. The ER at St.Mikes. Waiting hours, may be days for a bed. Then the CF ward (6 Bond) for weeks, may be months. I cried. But then, as so many times before, I got out of the bathroom, woke up my sleeping husband, and the two of us, on automatic pilot packed a bag and were off to St.Mikes.

The blood kept coming for the next week or so, cups and cups of it. I was in ICU until the infection was under control and I was then sent to 6 Bond to continue treatment. I was told it was a blood vessel that burst with the strain of my lung infection. It happened to people with CF. Overall once it was under control and the infection had subsided, the bleeding would stop. As it did.

It was when Martin and I got home that we made the decision that I was in no shape at all to carry a baby. Now I know many of you out there right now are shaking your heads, going, REALLY??? Duh!! But sometimes in life it takes something this big to show you the obvious. Somewhere between 2006 and 2008 I had become very sick. I was no longer able to pretend otherwise.

To this day I thank God for that moment of blood gushing from my lungs, in the bathroom, in the middle of the night. I guess it was obvious that we were not seeing what we were supposed to see, and had to be shown. Basically, God had to reach down and over and over whack me over the head with his big furry slipper. Miraculously it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Within the next 7 months we would meet Joanne a woman that helped us get the surrogacy journey started, we would find our superhero of a surrogate Beth, and most importantly we would get back what we were missing the most, HOPE.

First Post!!

So it took me a while to set this Blog up. But I am ready to post!! I really hope this will be a great way for you all out there to share in our surrogacy journey. As it has begun!!

For the next few weeks I will be writing a lot, trying to share what has happened during the past few weeks, months, and really most of 2008. It will be a process, but well worth the effort. I cannot wait to share all that has been going on. For now, let me just say that it has been a long road to get here. Martin and I have been wanting a child for years. We got married with the dream of having a family as soon as we could. We never expected that nearly 2 and a half years after that wedding day, we would only be beginning the journey, and I wouldn't even be pregnant myself!! But here we are and we are thrilled. May be this is the way that things have to be. In order to get to that place of comfort and true acceptance we had to go through all that we did. Only now, it feels right. Only now does it feel whole. Only now, does it feel just as it should be. What a great place to be my friends!!

Just to set the stage, let me...well....set the stage. Martin and I have been married for 2 years, and 2 months. We live in Toronto in our dream home that beckons to hear kids running up and down it's stairs. We are very much in love, but like all other couples have had our ups and downs, which have only made us stronger and better and more in love. This love has been our guide, as we've had to handle things that most couples our age simply can't even imagine. My illness, Cystic Fibrosis (CF) has been trying to say the least, and caused us to realize that having a family would be very difficult. So....we decided to have a baby and use a surrogate, and so far have been incredibly blessed as we are now 6 weeks, 3 days pregnant! What can I say...MAGIC!!

Over the next few blogs I will go through the process thus far. Infertility, the clinics, the doctors, the drugs, more drugs, finding our awesome surrogate, and generally getting to the place that we are at now. For now that's it. But there is more to come.