11:59 Of The 11th Hour

Hi Everyone,

At no time was hope ever completely lost but I must admit things did reach a stage for Natalia and the decline of her health in the last few days (CO2 levels came down w/ the Novalung but getting enough oxygen into her blood was starting to prove an insurmountable challenge plus she was going septic) that makes writing the following 3 words a rather surreal and hard-to-believe experience:

NATALIA GOT LUNGS!!!

Yes....you read it correctly....

NATALIA GOT LUNGS!!!

After a successful transplant she is back in the ICU where she is stabilized and doing well considering the battle she has been through.

There was some initial concern about post-operative blood loss but that is being controlled, her blood pressure has become normal again, her C02 levels are currently 39 vs 120+, she is now receiving 40% oxygen on a ventilator vs. 100%, her oxygen saturation is 98, her temperature is up at 38.3 degrees C but white blood cell count is down to 13 (which suggests her immune system isn’t creating white blood cells to fight against her new organs). Her O type lungs are healthy and working.

Apparently Natalia will likely be kept completely sedated for several more days and it’s unlikely that she will be coming off the ventilator for the next 2 weeks or so (when she does come off it will be done in stages) because she is currently too weak to breathe on her own.

How close things came for Natalia is hard to fathom and harder to convey.

It has been discussed and agreed by Martin and family that the timing was quite literally a miracle.

To give you a sense of how close things were, when I spoke with Martin less than an hour before the call came out-of-the-blue he was literally at his office preparing his last will and testament and putting his business affairs in order as a precautionary measure in preparation for the possibility and hope of going into surgery as a live donor to try and save her life.

Indeed, Martin, John and Chris were fully and equally prepared to hear the results of a meeting with doctors scheduled for yesterday afternoon that either A) Natalia was no longer a candidate for any form of transplant due to her deterioration or, in their hope and estimation more likely B) the living donor option would be moving forward and likely moving forward almost immediately with 2 of the 3 of them before it was deemed too late to be viable, her candidacy removed, and all options and hope lost.

And then, the lungs came.

During what must be a profound period of mourning for another family right now, the ultimate gift was bestowed upon Natalia. The most generous gift a human could ever possibly receive has been provided by complete strangers and the gratitude of Natalia’s family cannot be expressed in words.

There’s actually quite a lot about the last while that can’t really be expressed in words.

Natalia’s journey - her battle, her will, her spirit, her determination, the love she has for her family and the love her family has for her - defies measurement and defies description.

It's a story that couldn't have had many more twists, many more turns; any more ups, any more downs - and any more at stake.

Martin and family are doing really well. They’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of rollercoaster rides as you know, and currently have what I think is a sense of cautious relief with elements of residual disbelief. The reality and extent of the recent course of events hasn't had a chance to settle in for them yet, plus they are fully aware of the fact that Natalia is still in a fragile and vulnerable state. So they’re optimistically realistic or realistically optimistic, one of the two.

Natalia's battle has been one of unbelievable proportions where human will, science and the skill of incredible doctors and medical staff all came together to beat what was quickly becoming a certain path - but as she sleeps and rests and recovers right now she is not out of the danger zone yet.

But she is on the other side now. A new battle has begun. And also another chapter.

A humble and continued thank you on behalf of Natalia and her family for the concern, thoughts, love, prayers and support of all of you, and to the donor and donor family who gave so much.

We’ll continue to keep you posted as things progress for Natalia. There will be more obstacles. But there will also be more victories.

And Natalia is a giant leap closer to that walk in the park.

Myles

Reasons that made today a better day.

This morning I started the day feeling very run down and tired. I was coughing a lot and had a over all body-tired feeling. Enough of the 5am mornings I think! Anyhow, so we started slow, and had only 1 appointment today, so we wanted to be in and out, and done with.

When we showed up at reception for the V/Q Scan, I handed the receptionist my OHIP card and my blue hospital card. She checked me in, and then said, oh this is you! I have something for you. Then she looked around on the desk, and handed me a card that she had beside her. The envelope had my name on it.

I opened it and it was from a blog buddy, Peggy, someone that follows my blog, that I have never met. It was the nicest thing I have ever experienced. Knowing that she would go out of her way to do something like that. She said that she was across the street with her dad at another hospital and thought to drop this off. It was the nature of the effort that really got me, it was just a card, but it made me happy!! The world of the blog is amazing, it really is! How it connects us, and allows us to communicate to people we would otherwise not meet.

So my day was already looking up at that point! Thanks Peggy!!!

I went to the Nuclear Medicine lab, and when I walked in to register, I saw a man that I knew. He walked up to me, visibly excited to see me! But we both did not know how we knew each other! How do I know you, I said? He took my requisition from me (he's a technician there) and said, Natalia Ritchie, I bought the condo from you and Martin a few years back! I got excited: Paul!! It was great to see him. He was in fact a guy that bought our loft from us a few years back, may be 4 years ago. He was the nicest person ever! We remained friendly, even though the real estate market can often be quite vicious between buyer and seller. But we loved Paul, with his two adorable Dachshunds! Anyhow, it was great to see him. We chatted, and he ended up doing the test for me. He was great! He was excited that I was going to get my second chance through lung transplant, and was supportive, and positive, and told me that he sees people do so well, and knows that I too will do great!

Today, the positive thoughts, and words and comfort of friends made my day. Paul and Peggy, people that I have either never met, or met for a short time many years ago. It just proves, people are good and stand by each other when times are tough. Thank you friends.

Miracles everywhere we go!!

Miracles, that's how it all feels to me. Everything that is happening in my life right now, a miracle. Let me explain.

It's been about a month of me living with the notion that is it certainly, 100%, for sure time for transplant. It has not been an easy time. Physically I am very sick. Even with oxygen, I have to recover from a shower or bath, especially when I wash my hair. I have to recover from a walk up the stairs, longer if we go to the 3rd floor of the house. Walking is very hard, shopping lasts for about 30 minutes, so I do one errand a day generally. My appetite is a huge problem, as I keep losing weight. Vomiting after too much coughing, or just being really really nauseous is also a problem. I feel weak and tired, and much is attributed to my weight. My BMI (Body Mass Index) is for the first time in my life below normal, and hovers there or slightly better constantly. Up and down. Sometimes coughing alone makes me lose 5lbs. I have lost all my muscle in my legs, so they shake. Sometimes uncontrollably when I walk down the stairs, and it gets very scary and frustrating, since I used to be the girl with the muscles in her legs...I worked on those legs. Life is very different, and my body seems to be saying no more of this. My mind has been saying this for years.

Emotionally I am better now than a month ago. I think things take time to settle when it comes to such dramatic life changes and choices. The first few days even just post hospital stay, were really hard. I feel like I want to do things the way that I did them, but I can't, and for some reason my head can't get used to that. Then I just get angry at myself that I can't just get over it and let things go right now. Not for ever, just right now. Get used to the idea that I can't do this, and that and the other thing that I want to be doing. I have to rely on other people to do the chores and the life things that I miss so much. I am not talking about going out with friends, or to the cottage, or any other normal 29 year old activities, since those I have not been able to do comfortably for years and years, I am talking about clean the house, make dinner, and take care of things in my life. That's what I want back the most. To be productive and the person that I am meant to be.

Anyhow, that has been the past month. So many things wrong and twisted that there's not enough room on this page to describe them all. So many things not like they could ever be imagined in our young marriage. But, here come the miracles....

During all this turmoil and grief, little tiny signs started to pop out all around us. One after the other. Websites like this for instance:

http://www.recycleme.org/

I saw an interview about this website and the launch of this campaign in Ontario the day that I decided that transplant was for me. And once I make my mind up, for those of you how know me, know I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. That afternoon I was watching the news and saw the launch of this amazing campaign to help young people spread the world about organ donation in our province! Wow I thought, I got chills. What timing. When I went to the website, I was moved, not only for obvious reasons, but also since I think it's brilliant! Something government-related being this creative and amazing is unheard of. I love it! The timing moved me, I think it's a miracle!!

Soon after, whenever my mom and I were out collecting baby items all around Toronto, we would see these great ads on billboards, the side of urban buildings, bus stops, EVERYWHERE!! They look like old school comic books, and are interesting, funny, and well designed. One day we saw one where ever we went, and it sent chills down my spine. Signs! It's a sign! And a miracle....

Last night I saw a documentary on and by Michael J Fox. Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, and it made me cry. It was moving, it was smart, and it showed a now quite visibly ill M.J.Fox while struggling to regain control over his body, leading such an incredible life filled with love for his wife, his children, and his purpose. It made me think about my situation, and made it clear to me that the choices that we have made to live our lives as any other newly wed couple was the right choice. Not that I ever doubted myself, I have not, but it was a sense of peace that I got. Michael said at one point, that life is not about winning, it's about accepting yourself, that's where hope comes from. And I thought about that. That's where hope comes from, that acceptance. I agree in so many ways. Martin and I accept what we cannot control, and that's where our hope comes from, since it gives us freedom in every other thing in our lives. Michael also said something else that I really loved. He made a wonderful connection between creativity and hope. And when I think about it, I think he's right. When I paint or draw, it's the only time that I forget and am liberated from my worry and my disability. It is the ultimate hope for me. That time. It gives me the feeling that if I can lose myself in such a way in a drawing, in that creative moment, it means there is hope for greater relief and greater beauty, and just GREATER! M.J.Fox says that music is the soundtrack to optimism and hope. I think that's a powerful statement. I feel that hope walking through a gallery of the masters in Paris, or through the new AGO by Frank Gehry.

The rest of my little miracles that have been amazing me during this time, have been my friends. So many people reaching out to me. Friends that I have had for years and years that have never left my side, those that are quite new, those that I meet along the way that help energize me on a bad day. I feel, truly, even though the world may think I'm crazy, that some energy, call it god, is placing objects, people, and situations in my life right now to pick me up and allow me to get through this time. A time, let's be honest, that in it's darkest moment is darker than black. To allow me to have the things that I have fought so hard for in my life, the Independence that I have gained over 29 years, and hold them together for me until I am ready again to take them over sometime soon. This is a miracle. I have no doubt about it. A miracle so clear to my soul, that I cannot keep it to myself.

To those out there struggling right now with life, with death, with hardship and grief, you can find success in every situation. Success, in my eyes, is found in choice. And you always have a choice to be positive, to be hopeful and to be optimistic. Success is choice. Choice is hope. I choose to live in Hope.