Needless to say I am tired of being here. Really really tired. I feel really good, and run around this place, or ride my stationary bike to keep those new lungs working. I am loving the fact that I can ride that bike on and on and as my legs get tired, my lungs are no where near ready to quit. That's pretty cool I have to admit. Pretty darn cool. I get my heart rate to 156, and my SAT's (oxygen) stay at about 97% on room air. Whoaaaa. I know. My pulse is raging and my body is working and my heart and lungs can work together to exchange those gases and safely deliver them where they need to go. It's like magic. Well not really, but it is like a healthy body, or one trying to get there.
I am only starting to enjoy this recently, and I am not sure why. Why I have been so hesitant to let go and enjoy the gains of this battle that I am fighting. There are so many gains, yet I have found myself focusing on the negatives over and over. Very unlike me. Is this the new me? I don't think so, but the change that I do feel is profound. May be one day I will get it, may be this is just part of the healing and it will go away, or may be it will just be like it is now. What I am mainly talking about, is fear and anxiety. In that specific order in fact.
Recently I have been speaking to a spiritual counsellor here at TGH. I did not want to speak to a priest (I already know to pray, thanks) or a psychiatrist (I don't need meds nor a quick fix) I just wanted someone to speak to that would listen and, if I am so lucky, give me some insight and may be a book. I was lucky when I met Derek, I got both. We spoke about my being tired of being sick. of a need for a break, for me and my whole family. We also spoke about death, mortality, those thoughts that creep up here and there post transplant. Normal thoughts he said. I'm sure, of course, normal, but this kind of normal is still a difficult one to live with.
The book I got to read is Swamplands of the Soul - New Life in Dismal Places by James Hollis. The chapters are divided by emotions, which I really like. I opened up to fear and anxiety right away, and just found it so right on, that I was more and more pleased with myself that I found my way onto Derek's office door step. One of the fundamental questions in that chapter: ...why, then, in the midst of something wondrous and transcendent, would one feel this undercurrent, this pull down into a dismal swampland? Good question. Why is it, that I am doing so much better than I have in years, had the gift of life given to me at the last possible moment, when my life was seemingly expired, why after all these gifts am I riddled with anxiety and panic.
As the process unfolds, my transplant journey I guess it can be called, this anxiety and panic is getting better. As I improve and find more and more of my old self within this new one, I feel it's easier to cope, and not only that I find myself having to cope less. What does James Hollis say? It seems like the only antidote, the only way out he says is to face these fears and anxieties head on. He quotes a poem by M.Truman Cooper that I love so much, it's so simple yet it explains it all to me:
Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped,
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn't dare
put your toes
smack dab on the city limit line.
You're not really willing
to stand on a mountainside
miles away,
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side,
you decide to stay completely
out of France.
But then danger seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel
the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns your secret and says,
"See Paris first."
I'm not sure what answers I got from this poem, and from these chapters and from this book. But I certainly understand that after the experience I have had, so different and unique to my life thus far, fear and anxiety is the norm. I have the choice each day, at this point in my recovery to face depression or face anxiety. Nice choice huh? But that is exactly how I feel. When I sit back and feel helpless I get depressed. When I move forward and onwards, I get anxious as I have to face the unknown. But there seems to be progress. One last quote to bore you guys, that I really liked, and made me think: "Anxiety is the price of a ticket on the journey of life; no ticket - no journey; no journey - no life" Somehow this explains it all to me. Suddenly. What it says to me, it's all worth it.
Enough of the psycho babble, I think I've bored you all by now. Today has been a great day. Everything looks good for going home tomorrow (Thursday 21st). This I am thrilled about. The other amazing news, that has me and my family thrilled, is that my lung function this morning was 63%, 2.3 L. Only a week or so ago it was 48%. This change is incredible for me to see. It is encouraging, and has me really motivated to see how much more it will rise and how quickly. It is certainly the kind of news that you want to hear.
My mom and dad, proud grandparents, with Scarlett (now 6 months) and Sophie (now 2 months) on Christmas day in the Atrium of TGH.
Posts
