Writing for gratitude

My last post was two months ago. I certainly was not sure if I would ever write again at that time, and I am still not sure what I am going to do next...or if there is still anyone out there reading. But that's okay. I am writing today with gratitude in my heart, and a completely new life that I am living.

Lots has happened since March. There was a turn around. There was a time not too long ago that even though I was feeling better and better physically, I was so changed emotionally that I did not know who I was. Transplant somehow took something away from me. I could not figure out why this was happening. I was breathing, I was alive, I was with my family, but I was lost. I guess I wanted so much more. Dreamt of being normal and capable, and as much as I wanted that, it was not happening. Not right away anyhow, and I wanted it right away.

During the last few months, I feel like I have been reborn. That's the best way to describe it. My past life living with CF lungs is just a faint memory. Did I really live my life coughing, wheezing, gasping, medicating? How did I do it for 30 years? I guess I did. But the fact is, I don't miss a bit of it. Not anything. The life I have now is better than a dream. Better than I could have imagined. The fact is, I have never been healthy, so how could I have ever imagined what it would feel like. Well, now I know.

It feels like each day is a new one. If I have a tiring day, I sleep, I eat, and I have energy for what is to come tomorrow. That's like most people I'm guessing. Well my CF body never seemed rested enough. I never ate enough, I never slept enough, I never coughed enough to clear my lungs. It was never enough. It was always a battle. Always a catch up game. These days my days look something like this:

6:30 - 7am Scarlett wakes up, so I get out of bed. (I take insulin - nothing else! My Cf lung 1 hour routine is now 30 seconds)
7-8am Martin and I eat breakfast with Scarlett (we watch daddy leave for work)
8-10am We dress, shower, have play time, or a walk, or grocery shopping, or if it's a Monday we clean the house (I take my pills at 9am)
10-noon Scarlett naps. I make sure laundry is done, bills paid, lunch made
noon - 1pm We eat lunch.
1-3pm We usually are outside again. Long walks, shopping on yonge, coffee with a friend, a play date,today was an afternoon in her blow up pool in the backyard (great fun!!)(2pm pills)
3-5pm (sometimes 230 -4pm, Scarlett naps again) During this time I make dinner. Since I'm eating nearly no carb right now, I always have to prepare the meat, veggies, whatever is on the menu. We are eating well these days. I am so happy to be able to prepare fresh food for my family. I was so sick for so long that we had to sacrifice very healthy eating. These days Martin, myself, and little Scarlett are eating all veggies and fruits and lean meat. (Scarlett of course is allowed carbs as a baby should!!)
5-6:30pm We eat dinner. Martin is home anywhere during that time. We all eat together, and talk about the day, and watch as Scarlett makes the biggest mess possible as she learns to eat all sorts of things. We love it!!
7pm I go do yoga. Martin bathes and puts Scarlett down. She's usually so tired after our busy day, that sleeping comes quickly and happily.
8:30pm I return home, and Marty and I have some wine, sit on the porch, or watch a movie. (9pm pills)
10pm We are sound asleep. Scarlett is a great sleeper. Sometimes it scares me and I look in on her while she's sleeping. She often wakes up only once, sometimes I only hear from her at 7am, like clock work. There have been harder nights, when she was getting used to some changes. But that came and went. I don't blame her for having a hard time, with all that's happened. Actually for a baby that has been through everything that she has, she is the happiest, most well adjusted baby I know.

For those of you that have followed closely during the past year or two, you'll remember that my mom was living with us for about a year. A huge sacrifice on her part. Well, my mom has moved out. Sooner than I ever thought she would. I just started to do so much and feel so good, that we were all able to move on with our lives. To me, the fact that I take care of a 10 month old all by myself all day, and the house, and the garden, and I make the meals....(well you get the idea) is an absolute miracle. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to. But the truth is I do it with pleasure, with a smile on my face, and more gratitude every day.

The one constant these days, is that I am more thankful than ever. At least once a day I will do something that makes me teary eyed. I will be in the grocery store and people will be smiling at Scarlett and I and telling me that my daughter is beautiful and I think, yup that's my daughter. To them I am just a regular mom. How cool is that? The other week I decided to run up a hill with the pram. I don't really know why, may be because I could. And I did. I felt like I was flying. By the time I made it up the hill I was in tears. A month ago I did my first power yoga class without once stopping or resting. It was amazing. My body and mind felt like one. Last week I decided to take Scarlett on a day trip to my in laws cottage. I packed us up, and spent the day at the beach. Something I never thought I would do by myself. Scarlett and I had the best time. At one point I walked past the cottage where I have spent some time during the past few years. Often not being able to go to the beach since I was so tired and sick. Often watching families walk as I stayed on the porch or inside. On this day, I wish I could go back in time and hug that girl on the porch. Tell her not to worry, good things are coming your way. Just hold on, be strong. That girl that I was, that I no longer am. I wish she could see me now.

I have also had quite powerful moments when I think about the woman that lost her life 6 months ago. A woman that never imagined how her life would end, and I am sure never imagined that she would save a life as she lost hers. Thought I know she was not aware of her fate, and thus not aware of mine, I like to think that her spirit knows. I often look up to the sky and thank her quietly. Her family might think they understand what they did for me, but I don't think it's possible to understand. I wish I was articulate enough to express to them (and I have tried) what my life is now. To thank them in a way that would mean something - to find those words. I am not back to the person that I was. I am a new person. A person that has the luxury of health, and happiness, and the privilege of insight, as I know how it feels not to have any of those things. It makes me so sad to think that we are not all organ donors. That we don't all think about the lives that we could change. The responsibility that comes with living in a world filled with our brothers and sisters. I urge you all to make that choice. Become a organ donor and become a hero. What a legacy to leave. I think about my donor and her family all the time. Mostly in awe of their ability to think of others when their world was crashing down. It seems like an obvious choice, a simple choice, but the donor numbers in Canada will tell you what they did for me was extraordinary.