Pretty in Pink, the beginning of Scarlett's letters

August 25th - 5 and a half weeks

Scarlett,

I have been thinking about how I can possibly write to you, about you, about us, when you are so tiny and brand new, knowing that you will read this when you are so much older. It's a funny thing. But I think about you in the future often, and think about what I will say to you when you're 5, 15, 25.....I want to be there to say the things that I want you to know, but I might not be. It could happen to any one of us I know, as humans we live with such an uncertainty every day about what the future will hold. I have never thought about this as much as I do now. My life now is measured on the Scarlett scale. It's not 5 years, it's when Scarlett will be 5. It's not, 2 weeks at the hospital, it's, 2 weeks of Scarlett's life missed. And so on and so on. I can see you now thinking, mom common....and I am enticed to say; Wait until you have kids....but I won't say that. This is just how it is. My life, and that of you dad's has become about the life of Scarlett.

So this uncertainty is what we deal with as humans all the time. I realize that I am not the only one who thinks about the fragility of life. But the fact is, the fact that I have been living with for a long long time, is that I know more. Sometimes I wish I knew less. But I know more. When I was little I knew it, and as I grew up I knew more and more. Today, I feel like I know too much. Sitting here waiting for this lung transplant is like knowing too much information. Like having all the pieces of a puzzle and knowing that you will never have enough time to put it together. That means there is frustration involved, anger, the feeling of being unsettled and constantly uprooted and disheveled. That is now. Waiting for fate.

It had not always been like this, and may be this is where I want to get you up to speed. It has not always been like this. I hope that it will not be like this forever, but that, once again, is up to fate. Right now, all I have to tell you about is the present and what was the past. So this is what I will try to do. Tell you about now, and somehow about then in these notes to you. You might read these one day and think you had a crazy mom, and then again when you are older and something might make perfect sense. The one thing I do know however is that so much of you is embedded in this story right now. In this life that we are struggling to live right now. I watch you, watching me, and I look at those eyes you have, those ice blue eyes, and I think you are taking it all in. You are becoming you everyday. Scarlett, you are becoming and you are growing right along side this chaos and somehow you bring such clarity to it all. It amazes me as I watch. I write to you, but you are here. You were there. I don't worry about you, as I can tell how strong you already are. You my girl have it all figured out.