Getting to know you....

Today I got to see our little baby girl, as close as we possibly can with 3 months to go. And I have to admit, so far.....she's really cute!!

As Martin was in California today for business....with a 22 hour flight to Vietnam yet to go....poor poor man he's so sick of all the travelling...my mom went with me to experience the 3D ultrasound at UC Baby. We met Beth there, and had a really nice appointment.

I have come to learn, from my short lived term as a full fledged visibly disabled person (meaning that when people see the oxygen they automatically know there is something wrong, vs. before when there was equally as much wrong, but no one knew about it) that people constantly give you special treatment. I am not someone that likes this, it makes me remember that I am different just when I want to forget about it. But it is always in kindness and good intention that this is done, so I will never complain.....but I have seen it again and again....it makes me laugh since I don't feel that different. But to the outside world I guess I now am.

Anyhow, our 30 minutes became much much longer.....and our 3 pictures became 10....and there was a DVD....and a teddy bear for Beth's kids. All things I did not pay for (and really did not want!!). I just wanted the simple package and 2 pictures. But the woman was so sweet, how can I say no. People, are generally really really nice!! So we got all sorts of stuff that I did not want....for those of you who know me, know that I have this thing with free samples and goodies bags....I hate them!! I don't want samples and flyer's and free this and that....I always end up throwing it all away and feeling badly about the garbage. My friends used to love going anywhere with me.....they always got my free stuff!! Today, I got enough goodies to start a baby store. Crazy!!

Okay, I know, I'm babbling about stuff that has nothing to do with the experience!! The actual ultrasound was really neat. We saw our little girl in all her cuteness. She has quite the cheeky face and we're sure will not be tiny!! From Beth's history and ours, we're pretty sure that she's going to be on the bigger side (more like 8lbs and over than 7lbs and under). Every inch of her however is adorable! At one point I just wanted to pull her through the screen and hug her and kiss her. She's just so pretty and so cute....and so Martin and I. That's the part I love the most. We saw things that are very me, and very Martin.

Here are some of the best shots. Our little girl decided not to show herself for quite some time. She had her hands right at her face, and then her foot in her mouth....I think we'll have to break her of that habit! It was quite cute all in all.....but we were anxious to see her face. She finally let us see her, and it was amazing.

So there she is. Our little peanut, that well, looks nothing like a peanut does she?! All of a sudden she looks so real, and it's hard to imagine that she's squished up inside Beth's belly the way she is. From the looks of it, she's very happy in there. But with only 87 days to go, it looks like she will be joining us very soon, and we are so excited about that!!

Moving forward

Today was my first clinic visit since I have been back from the hospital. 10 days later, my lung function today was 26%, 0.94L. So the good news is that things are basically the same, and it looks like I am able to be home without getting worse. This is good news.

While I was waiting for the appointment, I got the call that I have been waiting for from TGH regarding my assessment date. I was so happy to hear from them. My appointment for assessment is going to be during the week of May 19th, which is really soon! I am so happy that I am not going to wait for months for that appointment. This means that during that week of the 19th I am going to finish up those tests that we started at SMH. Once those are done, I wait for a month to get listed. Which means....most likely I will be listed on, or within a few days of my 30th birthday!! Oh what a gift that will be.....well may be not what I expected, but I will be very glad to be on that list waiting. Very glad.

Home had been okay. Emotionally up and down. But physically I feel okay. I am getting more and more used to living with oxygen and more and more used to going out with it. I guess with time everything gets better. Easier and better. Overall I think that if my health does not get worse before tx, I will be very lucky. If I stay like this I will be very lucky. But time will tell how long I will be on the list, and how tolerant I will be of that wait. I think to myself every day that this is not forever, this is a finite time, and it will come, and things will finally change for the better. I embrace that thought every day, and try to ignore all the other thoughts looming in my head.

Our little baby is growing inside Beth every day. and on Thursday we have our 3D ultrasound that I am very excited about!! I can't wait to see more of her. I think Thursday will be a great day. I will post pictures and show her off when we get them!!

I don't have much more to add. I am quite tired from today's clinic, that always ends up being quite a long day. My next post will be much more interesting on the baby front. Can't wait for the world to see her as we get to on Thursday.

Martin's speech September 30, 2006

My husband's wedding speech:

"I'd like to start by thanking everyone for coming and in particular those from out of the country as far flung as family from Ireland and Poland. It's good to see everyone here safe, sound and relatively sober - I'm looking at you Scott! Natalia and I will make an effort to walk around and catch up with everyone later this evening.
Good evening and welcome in polish but sorry if I just cursed at you.
(insert horrible polish effort here)
I'd like to start by thanking the groomsmen and in particular Myles, my best man for the moving speech and organizing the epic stag night - I'll have to see the pictures to remind me of how it went. Also, a thanks to Graydon for performing the Master of Ceremonies role this evening - you've done an impressive job. The venue tonight is a restaurant owned by the Ross family and a special thanks to Chris and Currie for making it available to us.
It's been great getting to know Natalia's family. She has an older brother John whom as many of you know is an extremely fir guy. He completed an Iron man a couple of years ago in an impressive time. I mulled over signing up myself however, I've heard about this feat so much I feel like I've done one already - may even get this Iron man tattoo. He also talked me into signing up for this military boot camp on Saturday mornings at 7am for two hours. My best man Myles, signed up as well and stayed the course valiantly until the second week which landed after St.Paty's day. Seriously though, John you're a great guy and anyone who can keep up with all the lads on that hairy stag weekend is a strong man. And on the record, I promise to do an Ironman with you before I turn 35....okay 40.
Nat's parents have both been more than hospitable and welcomed me warmly into their family. Nat's mother, Hanna or Mama and I hit it off immediately over our entrepreneurial interests...or some may say obsessions. We swapped our trials and tribulations over google sponsored searches of which Hanna was able to grasp the complexities much better than I. I have a feeling the rest of the family was quite happy to have me deflect the google talks from their tired ears. Hanna - I look forward to many more strategic chats about our start ups over one of your delicious polish home cooked meals.
Nat's father, or Tata, Chris, also has been extremely welcoming. I remember his first words to me at a family BBQ. He came up to me expressively waving his arms and bellowed EAT..EAT...okay sorry that sounded Italian. I've since realized the importance of food in the Polish culture and have been force-fed ever since. Chris is also an extremely neat man. Nat and I often visited for swims in their pool over the hot summer months. He would set the temperature at a balmy 90 degrees and clean the pool for us. I've yet to spot a leaf in the pool and this is quite the feat considering it's in the middle of a dense forest.
Although the language has been a barrier, I've also enjoyed getting to know Nat's grandparents straight from the old country. From the short exchange of words we've had you can tell that they are kind and generous people who love their grandchildren very much. As I become increasingly fluent in Polish (haha) we can get to know each other on a much deeper level.
And now for my parents....
Mum - You're the best mother a son could ask for - although a tad protective at times, it probably kept me out of trouble in retrospect. I remember a time I was BBQ'ing while living with two university friends. My mom called and spoke with one of them and asked to make sure that I was not using a metal spatula since there was a storm brewing and she was worried I may get struck by lightening. I heard about that one for many years! Or the time I went trekking through Nicaragua with one of the groomsmen, Cameron. It was the time of the sunami and of course the giant wave was going to hang a sharp left and sweep across two continents to wipe me out in the middle of central America.
In all seriousness, I appreciate you standing by and supporting me through all my crazy decisions....or what seemed crazy at the time. Taking off to Bermuda to soak up the sun for 2 years or quitting my accounting job to start up a small company from my friend's basement. Not all easy decisions to support but you did in the end and I thank you for that.
Everyone in life takes to you very quickly and you bring fun, lightness and vitality to every situation. I"m very proud to have you as my mum.
I'm not also blessed with one outstanding parent, I'm lucky enough to have two. I've learned a great deal from your professionalism and the way you conduct your affairs with the utmost integrity. These key life lessons you've imparted allow me to steer the ethical ship in tough times in the right direction. There have been many other pearls of wisdom imparted such as the importance of competitive sport and losing with dignity. I remember playing a tennis match at the alpha club when I was 10 in Ireland. I was playing one of the top females in the club and was winning handily. However, my sister Jayne who was somehow chosen as the umpire had other ideas. I remember some poor line calls and scoring inaccuracies which led to a minor temper tantrum, of which Macenroe would be proud. Dad caught the tail end of this episode and taught me the 'losing with dignity' lesson very well. Although that loss still stings a little.
It's always important for a son to feel his father is proud of him and I hope I have and will continue to do so. I'm proud of the man you are and as people continuously remind me - I have big shoes to fill.
Now for my lovely bride, whom I'm sure everyone agrees looks very beautiful tonight. I've grown as a person more since I've known you than any other stretch in my life. You've encouraged positive changes in my life - sometimes aggressively - that are deep and lasting. I met you when I was living in my friend and groomsman Cams basement, starting up a small company and having wild hot tub parties every night......seem to have forgotten my point.....ah yes, you helped me get grounded and back on track. I';; never forget coming home and finding all my old clothes in garbage bags destined for the salvation army. Thanks for letting me know in a nice way that my fashion sense was questionable.
The first thing I recognized when we first met, to borrow words from my good friend Mark Crane, was your extremely white and perfectly symmetrical teeth. I fell in love with you very quickly. I came to get to know and respect the role religion plays in your life and how it serves as a moral underpinning to all your major life decisions. You have a strong character and you continuously amaze me with your ability to handle tough obstacles in stride where others would struggle. I also admire and am a wee bit afraid of your almost obsessive compulsive nature when it comes to cleanliness which nicely counteracts my ability to let mess pile up unnoticed for weeks on end. this is a behavioural trait with which I'm very used to living with - Doris!!
The one aspect of our relationship I cherish the most is our amazing ability to chat about all manner of things for hours and hours on end with barely a pause in the conversation. When returning home from Chicago we sat at our gate knowing our flight was about to leave in 5 minutes or so. We paused from our in-depth conversation for a second to watch our flight take off from the gate and remarked how it seemed to be taking a while to board. We were so en-grossed in the chat that we didn't even notice our names being called over and over again on the PA system. Although we weren't too thrilled at the time at missing the flight, at least we now know we will never be even slightly bored with each other's company after many long long LONG years of marriage.
I now invite you all to raise your glasses of champagne (no not the whole bottle Scott!!) and toast the importance of good friends and family, and of course my beautiful bride. Enjoy an evening of dinner, drinks, and good cheer.

Cheers to all and Na Sdrowie!"
(Martin speaking - Good job Marty!!)

Wedding Speeches flashback to September 30th 2006.

Since being back from the hospital, I have been through some things in the house, call in Spring cleaning. One afternoon, I came across a copy of our wedding speeches. My mom made sure that the people that spoke in our wedding wrote down their speech afterwards in our wedding book. It's a really nice idea, since I like to read them.

So I have decided to share them with the blog world, and revisit that time in our life. Some were totally off the cuff and the speakers never did write them down for us, but I'm hoping to get those off the video. But I have a few of them here now.

The people that spoke at our wedding are: My dad, Martin's dad, Martin himself, Myles - his best man, and Katharine my maid of honour. All the speeches were awesome. We also had a toast from Bozena a Boguslawski family friend, and Martin's cousin Scott from Ireland. Yes blog world, for those that did not know, I used to be Natalia Boguslawska. Glad you never had to spell that huh?!

Here is the first one in the book:

Katharine Lane, Maid of Honour:

"Good evening. My name is Katharine Lane and I am honoured to stand along side my best friend Natalia, and Martin, the man of her dreams, on their wedding day.

As I prepared for this moment, this opportunity to speak in front of all of you and toast Natalia and Martin, I was immediately filled with anxiety. I fumbled around trying to come up with the most profound and impactful words, but I came up short because all of these things I was trying to articulate weren't even coming close to expressing the girl I know and the friendship we share.

I have never known anyone like Natalia - her strength, her courage, her heart. My wish for Natalia has always been that she find happiness.

When Natalia first met Martin, I knew he was different. Each time I saw her she was positively glowing. I've never seen her happier, and Martin, I have you to thank for that.

Natalia - you are a testimony to the creative intent of God. You are a work of art. When I look at you and Martin together, I see God's masterpiece

Today we celebrate with you your love and commitment to each other. May your lives together be filled with joy, love, and peace. I love you both - here's to the beautiful couple"

-END

(katharine making her speech)

At the end of that speech the whole room was crying. It was so good. Kath did such a good job with it. The reference to art has to do with the fact that Kath and I met in an arts high school. We are both visual artists, and took many classes together. It is certainly something that we continue to share. Anyhow, I love her speech.

Okay, I'll do one more in this post. My dad's (this is a longer one)

"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. For those who are not sure, I am Chris, Natalia's father. Hanna and I would like to welcome the groom's parent's Doris and Knox and thank them for their generous contribution to this event. We also welcome all the relatives and friends of both families including significant contingents from Ireland, Poland and the United States. We are honoured and happy to have you all here.

Those who flew over the Atlantic ocean, and those who drove from Richmond Hill are here to celebrate the love and marriage of Natalia and Martin.

There are many people though who were not able to attend this happy occasion, but who are with us with their thoughts and best wishes.

I consider myself blessed in many ways. I have a wonderful wife, by the way, we are going to celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in two days, a beautiful, talented and loving daughter, thoughtful and supportive son, and now there is Martin.

It seems like yesterday when Natalia was born. I vividly remember a baby with lots of curly hair, slightly darker that today. Years went by and here I am giving the father of the bride speech. At this point I should include some embarrassing tales from Natalia's past, but I won't.

It has been 27 years of joy and love, which I hope will continue with all the necessary adjustments. i do need to tell you Natalia, even though you are married now, we will always be there for you. Both of you.

With Natalia you always get what you see. And I am proud to see you so beautiful and happy. I always admired your strong mind, your many talents and wit. Sometimes I thought that I may be a little biased, but I am happy to see I am not the only one who feels this way about you. I would like to congratulate Martin on this perception of Natalia being his perfect bride and for being the luckiest bloke in the whole of Ireland and Canada today.

Martin, we like you very much from the very day when Natalia brought you to our home to a party a year ago. I remember a good-looking guy with a bottle of wine. I remember my thoughts that I like him, and I was never wrong....so far.

Now after over one year from the day we met, I see a guy who loves my daughter, who will do his best to make her happy and whom I am very proud to call my son in law.

Welcome to the family Martin.

I wish you both a long and wonderful marriage and a good life you both deserve. To the health and happiness of our bride and groom. Natalia and Martin.

Love and happiness forever. God Bless and Szczesc boze."

- End

(my dad making his speech)

I thought my dad's speech was great. It made me cry too. I cried through all of those speeches, and was quite thankful that I spoke the night before at the rehearsal dinner. Mine was unplanned, and 30 seconds long, and I cried through that as well. I was a complete basket case, can you imagine how I will be when our little girl is born?

Hope you enjoyed a little of the Ritchie past, soon to be 3 years of marriage. I will do Martin's in another post. Enough gushy stuff for now.

(Martin and I enjoying the speeches)

Getting home with the help of Justin Timberlake

I know a totally corny title....you'll see why soon. I'm not even really that big of a fan....haha....

Yesterday I finally made it home. After 29 days, plus those 14 days that I did the first time around. Somehow it feels like forever ago, yet it went by quickly. Sleeping in my bed last night was hard for me believe it or not. It felt alien, but I did fall asleep quite fast and slept until 9am, which I have not done in ages. I certainly feel more relaxed this morning, as yesterday I was very anxious and had a hard time relaxing.

I am not on IV's at the moment, which is also quite a nice thing, but I think is the reason behind the anxiety. It seems like when I am on IV's I am more stable and have no surprises. I don't wake up with a heavy chest, coughing fits, and fevers. Generally on IV's I feel good, though my lung function does not change much, but as least I feel ok. I do not look forward to no IV's since I tend to anticipate when I will get worse. Hopefully this time I will have a few weeks or even months without having to go on IV antibiotics. Fingers crossed.

The tx assessment is moving forward. I am waiting for TGH to contact me with the actual appointment date, and I have been calling them to get that date sooner. Hopefully we will know very soon. It will make me feel good to have that date set. So we wait.

Part of the pleasure of being home is being closer to the nursery and being able to go up there and sit and look. Our little girl is collecting some outfits already from friends and family that are sending things. It's so great. There are some pretty cute outfits that she's going to have to grow into. A few are the teeny tiny ones that I know will last for only a short time, but they are my favourites. We will have to choose which one she comes home in. The nursery itself looks awesome. Like a different room. All the big things are there and waiting to be fluffed up and prettied up with the accessories. The blinds and bedding are being made as we speak, and will soon arrive. I can't wait to add those little elements that will soften the space up. I can't wait to show you guys, but I think I'll wait until it's all put together, for the full effect!

I am coping with all this change not as well as I am used to. Meaning that I have been able to, all my life cope quite well with changes in my health and my limitations. May be because this is the final limitation, the final step before I am free of this disease in my lungs. May be that's the reason why I am having these moments of stress and anxiety. Having the oxygen at home, has also added to that feeling. It's not ideal for our home. We live in a very large house, and the tubing and compressors are just not enough, so we have to see what we can do for that. It's a pain, and dealing with these companies is not easy. In this condition living in a small condo would be ideal. Everything close by, and easy for me to get to. But, I know that it is temporary. Not forever, though it will be a year or year and a half, and that causes me to really get frustrated. Somehow, I still wake up every morning and think this was all a bad dream, and I am able to get out of bed without getting caught on my oxygen tubing. I feel like I have lost something, and in some way I feel like I am sad for what I had lost. I try to think of all that's coming, the gifts that I will get. The baby that will be with us soon. She is the greatest gift. Then the gift of life that I will receive due to someone else's great loss and their insight and generosity as well as the grace of their loved ones. So I understand that I should look forward, that I should not concentrate on this time now not being so comfortable. It is par for the course.....this is the world of a patient pre transplant. I know this. Somehow this does not make the sense of loss go away.

There is a song that I really like, by Justin Timberlake, that I never listened to closely enough to get the lyrics. I just thought it was a great song. Recently I actually heard the lyrics, and it caught me off guard that this is how I feel right now:

"I've been travelling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
But the old me is dead and gone
Dead and gone"

A long road that I have been down, the road of CF. As it reaches the end, I do feel that it has taken with it the old me. And that part of me is dead and it is gone, and now with tx coming, I am trying to find my way back to whom I was and who I am meant to be. Like the old me, but better. The rest of the lyrics, I looked up and they are totally weird and have nothing to do with anything I can relate to.....such as....well you can look them up on your own, I won't write them here thank you! Somehow though, those lyrics above, the chorus, made sense to me, even though I don't look at Justin Timberlake as my spiritual guide....haha.

So, now we wait and see how the days go. We are waiting for TGH to call and set that assessment date. We are waiting for baby girl to come home to us. And we are waiting for my lungs to come. Well, let me correct myself, those lungs that someone will let me use. That person that we will owe my life to. I think about that person all the time, without me knowing whom I am thinking of, and without that person ever knowing what impact they will have on me. It is bittersweet isn't it?

100 days...

Today was a great day. It was so nice to see Beth, Don, and....the belly!!!! Beth looks great. She is beautifully pregnant, and in my opinion has the best perfectly round belly ever!!! It was just the best gift to see her today and to have some time next to my baby.

We tried hard to get me to feel some kicking and moving around, but I was unable to feel it. Not quite time yet. I will get a chance again soon.

I am writing this quite late (okay may be not so late for normal people, but late for hospital time) so I am not going to write much. I will say that I cannot believe how we're moving along with this pregnancy. Time is just flying by, as we're approaching the 3 month mark!! What?! 3 months to go??!!!

Today we're at 100 days, and I can't believe we're here. That little ticker has been a little reminder in my life, and now it's here. I will have to get a second one soon for my other big wait......and one day at a time, we will wait another 100 or 200 or 300 days for another miracle. Each week at a time we will look forward to what is ahead, as a family. Each month at a time we will anticipate something that will arrive without notice, and change our lives in every way possible.

Our little girl will make life worth living, as my news lungs will allow me to live. How fitting that this will all happen within a short period of time.

When did 27% get to be my better?

It is safe to say, that after all this time, I really really miss the outside world. A lot. As weeks pass, I seem to be more and more withdrawn fro the fact there out there, right out my window, is the outside world. A world that I really miss? Have I said that already?

So this Saturday is day 14 of this round of meds. They change them around after 14 days to mix things up. I have been on 2 rounds overall. So they are thinking of sending me home Monday. Well, as eager I am to go home, I am not quite sure that this is what I feel safe with. But the fact is, it's a bit of a double edged sward. I need to go home to see if I can be off the IV's, but I also don't want to go home since I really don't want to feel sick again and get even worse. After feeling stable for a bit, I really don't want to feel that pain again that I just seem to be rid of. The doctors wanted me to do my lung function today to see what it says, and only if it gets back to some sort of acceptable number can we think of going home. Well, I did my lung function this afternoon and it was pretty much the same. Slightly up, but were talking about such small numbers that it's really not much of a change. From 25% to 27%. Nothing to brag about.

So I don't know what will happen. May be another course of IV's. Which I am not happy about, but I am not happy about going home only to get more sick. I don't know.

On a completely different note, I have been at the house several times during this week and weekend. For an hour here and there to check on things. The nursery looks so good, it's awesome. The change is amazing, and it's still not quite done. But the furniture is all there and the registry gifts are arriving, so things are really coming along. I can imagine our little girl in that room, and it makes me smile. She will love it, especially as she gets older. It will suit her for many many years.

This will be a short post, as I am quite tired, and still don't know if I will be going home or not. So I will leave it here, and post today or tomorrow as to what's happening.

Oh! I nearly forgot, Beth is visiting me tomorrow!! Yes, as the hospital. I get to see her and the belly!!!! I get to see the BELLY!!!! I can't wait. I will be sure to take pictures.