Lucky 1313 viewers to my blog, how great is that!!

When I saw that 1313 viewings to my blog have occurred, I thought, it was time to write again. It has been a while.

We are once again snowed in, here in Toronto!! Are you kidding me? This is nuts nuts nuts. I went out this morning to visit a friend of mine that lives 5 minutes away, and nearly killed myself - the roads were that bad. It's been snowing all night, and now looks like all day, and it's not letting up. Everything becomes crazy in this weather, everything. Grocery shopping becomes a trek over banks of snow and whiteouts. seeing friends and family becomes an impossible task, since what used to be a 5 minute car ride, is now a dangerous mission through the deep freeze. I look at women with small children in stores, and I think, how do they do it? The kids are bundled beyond recognition, the women are tired and also bundled beyond recognition. These are the days that staying home might be a good idea....I should have!!

Now, from what it looks like, from what our little baby ticker tells me, the days are getting closer and closer. Though it feels like July's sunny and hot days are still far far away, I somehow see the next 6 months flying by. I know they will. We have so much to do, and I only wish for it to stop snowing so that I can get out there and start on that list. If only a bit.

Martin and I just had our first 'baby shopping' day last weekend. I was very exciting, since really I love to shop, love to decorate, love interior design, and of course love the idea of being a mommy. Out of all those things, the only thing that Martin loves is being a daddy. The shopping and decorating are far far far on that list, if there at all. He does appreciate that I love interior design, and loves when things look well put together and beautiful, but the finished product is where the process starts and end for him. Shopping, stores, planning, well that's my department. The truth is, that I LOVE having sole authority on the matter!! It's great to do things as I like, knowing that 99.9% of the time he loves it the way I make it look. Some women would complain, I think it's great not to have someone to negotiate with!! This is scarcely the way with all other parts of our life....

Anyhow, the baby shopping was good since we decided on a few things, and started the process. First of all, after about 30 minutes in a store, I decided, that even though I am planning a beige/green nursery, not knowing the sex of the baby is practically impossible when really trying to design. I mean, I can't do it!! So there goes that dream!! We have an appointment on March 3rd, and it looks like we're going to be finding out the sex then. My oh my how quickly things change....haha!! After this executive decision, (which was something Marty wanted from the beginning so he's happy) we went to our favourite store/interior designer in the city and talked to the owner about some ideas. We came up with a great one.

The store is called Flik and Company. Below is the shop sign: http://www.flikandcompany.com/

Stephan Howard and partner Mario Cote have the most amazing store you can imagine, in a trendy/artsy part of Toronto called Leslieville. Anyhow, we love their design sense and cannot imagine starting any project in our house, without first visiting the shop, and having a chat with Stephan. I think his creative energy rubs off on me when I chat with him, since I am always inspired to do something great afterwards. Anyhow, we have a piece in our house that we got from him a few years ago, a picture of it is below.

It's the most loved piece of furniture that I have, and it's the most complimented thing we have also. It's kind of a sideboard/bar unit, that was made from salvaged wood and hardware. It has a copper sink (that we don't use) and is quite large and bright. As you can see above - the picture does not do it justice however!! So, we decided to commission Stephan and Mario to design and have built the changing table for the nursery, in a similar style as the sideboard. The idea being, that we can place a changing mat on top, and use it as a changing table for as long as we need to, and then use it in another part of the house later once we are no longer in need of it in the nursery.

We are having it painted a olive green type colour....very modern, very cool but easily very baby. The piece will the starting point of the nursery. It will be the beacon of colour and style for the drapes, rugs, bedding, etc etc.

To the right are some of the beautiful objects in the store. The rocking horse might just find it's way into our house one day soon, but we will see!! It has to be somewhere secure enough for little hands not to get on it, yet in a visible place to be decorative. Hmmm...we'll see.

It looks like we have a great start, to what I want to be the best room in the

house. I want it to be child and baby friendly for one. I also want it to be a

place where we can be close as a family. Where we can spend time together.

It is a very large room, on the third floor of our house, and has all the

potential in the world to be amazing. I just have to think it up =)

The walls are being painted within the next few weeks. Right now the room

is empty and unused, and since it used to be a little boys room, it's a very

bright baby blue. Not my favourite, and quite sex-specific, as well as a

no-room-to-grow kinda colour. It is vital for me that we don't have to

change the nursery into a child's room by doing all that much. I don't want

it to be a radical change every year or so. Thus we chose a neutral tan that

I will stencil stars on. Big white stars where the cathedral ceiling slopes.

Should be magical. Somewhat contemporary and easy on the eyes.

I will post pictures of the room 'before' and the room 'after' soon enough.

It is so bare now, that it will be with great joy, that I will turn it into a great

space. May be in my next post, I will show the room in detail as it is now.

Oh, and one last terrific thing that I found out there, in baby-design land...

A few months ago I was at a interior design show with my sister-in-law and

found this great shop that sells these hilarious stuffed toys for kids and

fun-loving adults called Monsters, at the Monster Factory. Here is the website:

http://www.monsterfactory.net/store/index.php

Please check it out, and be sure to read the little quote that describes each monster when you click on the picture...they are utterly hilarious!! Plus they are soft, and really fat and fun to hold. So, I had to have one, for the nursery of course!! His name is Buddy.

Buddy is surprisingly deep for someone who spends so much of his time 'zoned out'

(as per the website...)

Kiddo: It is out of sheer love and joy that I am creating this space for you to grow in. Every thought and every idea is derived from love, and devotion to you.

God only knows.....

We have been back from Jamaica now for several weeks. Almost a month. I did indeed feel really well when I was there, pretty much right off the plane I felt better. After a few days there, I was breathing better and feeling a good 45% better than in the Toronto deep freeze. It makes me a little sad when that happens. Since it only tells me that the climate has a huge effect on how I am feeling. It makes me sad, since I know that after our weeks vacation I am going to be back to feeling so-so back home. And a few weeks later I will end up on IV's again, and the cycle will continue. When we got back, I did indeed start to feel worse pretty much the 2nd day back. Runny nose, fatigue, increased cough. Here we go again, as expected I thought. Then about a week into being back, I got a pretty bad strep-throat infection. My throat was very sore, and I felt terrible. I was in bed for a few days, and somehow, felt better quite fast.

Now what has happened next, has been a mystery to me. I steadily became better and better over the last few weeks. Martin has been away for at least half of that time, and though I was quite miserable being alone so much, my health was really really good. Days went by and I thought to myself, what has changed? Something must have changed. I have felt terrible for at least a year now, with never ending IV's and constantly trying to get better from one infection while trying to stay clear of a new infection looming. Normally I would expect to feel like I needed IV's right now, and then I would hold off for about two more weeks, until I would finally have to give in and start home IV antibiotics out of sheer defeat. But, and this is a big but, today, I feel great. And in fact I have felt great for about a week now. Usually I count the consecutive days to feeling 'good' since it's never more than a small few. Not this time however.

Now, as chronic illness goes, as CF goes, this is not a rarity. People do terrible for years and years, and then out of nowhere they feel better and rebound quite amazingly for a couple of years. But I have felt so terrible for so long, that I did not expect to feel better without new lungs any time soon. I resigned to the fact that for the next few years I would have to make due with feeling pretty lousy, and wait it out until I got my new lungs, though in truth my doctors are not talking about transplant with me at all quite yet - this is more how I see my future. This however has thrown me for a loop! Now I am not complaining, oh NO, I'm not complaining, but I am shocked. I am also waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find it hard to go to bed at night, since I am so afraid to wake up feeling the way that I am so used to feeling. But today, just like the day before, I have opened my eyes in the morning and my breathing is deep, my pulse is steady, and my lungs seem somehow calmer, less irritated, somehow happier.

Somehow, I feel renewed by this new well being. Even if tomorrow I wake up not well at all, I have been reminded that you never ever ever know what will be of tomorrow. We always expect things to be shockingly bad (well some of us anyhow), but sometimes things are just shockingly good!! And there is no rhyme or reason to explain any of it. But the reminder is glorious. We are human, and so much is not in our hands! God only knows...

Peanut, I was thinking today of all the things that I want to share with you. I want to have as much time as possible to be a good mom to you. I only hope that I will have it.

That was the week

This past week has been filled with the below:

1. Martin went away on business
2. snow fell
3. I went to work out and felt really good!!
4. more snow fell
5. We got good news about our baby, being healthy and growing well
6. I had a bit of a breakdown regarding missing that ultrasound
7. Martin's trip was extended, another 3 days, boooo!!
8. more snow fell
9. I continued to feel great, despite the cold cold cold!!!
10. We are officially sick of the snow!!
11. drove to our first prenatal with Beth, it was a great day!
12. Our front door is now invisible from the street due to the snow bank in front of our house
13. The blog community welcomes the birth of Brielle, S and B's little baby girl
14. I officially miss Martin way too much
15. Am now waiting for him to finally, FINALLY get home. I can't wait.

So there was my week. I feel like if more snow falls, and I have to dig myself out again, I will scream!! But saying that, I feel really good lately!! Physically, really good. I don't know why, what has changed. But that's how it is, and I wake up every morning waiting for the infection to return. I am also enjoying doing semi-normal things day to day.

Peanut: This week I missed you more than ever before. I cannot wait to meet you this summer.

12 week ultrasound!!

Take a look at baby Ritchie now, at 12 weeks!!






You can see the little face, and feet and fingers....it's quite the picture is it not?! The more I look at it the more I see!! I love it.

Today was our first prenatal appointment. It was at the clinic close to Beth, so I hopped in the car early this morning and spent the day in it - it's a long way. But it was SO worth it!! Seeing Beth was great, as always. She looks amazing, and is feeling well since all the injections stopped!! Thank god for that. From what everyone can tell the baby is doing well, and as you can see in the picture, looking more and more like a little person every day.

I made sure that Beth went home with a doppler, so that she can now try to hear the heart beat, and hopefully call me one day when she finally finds it. (hint hint Beth...call me..no matter what!! haha) The RN tried to find it but said it was still early and that it's hard to find it sometimes so early on in the pregnancy. Being in the business of doppler rental (http://www.babytones.ca/), I understand that perfectly, and was not about to have a panic attack if we didn't hear it. Though I certainly understand better now why women rent them for the full term of their pregnancy!

So there we have it, a great day. Everything seems to be going to plan. That picture will get me through the next month or so until the next ultrasound.

Peanut, I had a long talk with your grandpa today, and I can tell that he is so excited to meet you!! Wait 'till you meet him!! He's great.

Week 12 blues

Today was a difficult day for me. It seems strange that now, when we are finally over the 12 week hurtle, that I seem to be more emotional and unsure than I was when the pregnancy was so new and so fragile it was barely there. Today, I felt the sadness of not being there for my unborn baby, in so many ways, I felt that distance between us and it made me terribly terribly sad.

Today (well yesterday now, I'm writing quite late) was our 12 week multiple marker screen. There was an ultrasound and blood work. Originally we were not planning to do this, as we would never terminate a pregnancy, no matter what medical information we found out. But when the time came near, Martin and I decided that it was a good idea to be equipped with the proper medical information if indeed there was something special our baby would need from us, both in the delivery room, and later on in life. Information is power, so we decided to go ahead and do the testing. The appointment was at 9am, and since the distance between us is quite substantial, Beth told us that she would happily go alone. We are planning to see her this Friday anyway for our prenatal. I thought about this decision, to not be at the ultrasound, and thought that it was the right decision. I would have to wake up nearly in the middle of the night to make it out there, and since Martin is away in Europe right now, I would have to do it alone in the snow. I knew that this was not a possibility, and since Beth was comfortable with the decision, we were too.

After the appointment was over, I called Beth and got the scoop. She told us that the baby looked great. You could clearly see the little head, and legs and arms. It made me so happy!! Beth and I had a great chat about what she saw on the screen, and that she had pictures for us, and I was satisfied that everything was okay. I quickly emailed Marty in Zurich, and called my mom to tell her.

It was not until later on in the day that I suddenly broke down in tears. Sobbing tears. What was I crying about?! The baby was doing well, Beth was feeling well, my health was good. But I had such an aching pain in my heart. I realized that, all day I was thinking that when that ultrasound was done, no one in that room was looking at my baby with the love of a mother or father. I know Beth was there cheering our little one on, I know that. But I felt somehow, that the ultrasound is when baby and I connect. Like he or she can see me, just like I can see baby. But I was not there, and our baby didn't see me. It's like it's the first time that this distance has bothered me. The first time that I have cried about not being the one carrying. I also knew quite well, that I was not there, not so much because of the distance, or the snow, or the drive. I was not there due to my illness, a worry for my health. The drive would have been hard on me in this weather, as I try to stay in as much as possible as to not get sick. That feeling made me feel more empty than I ever have.

So today was hard. As this baby grows, I am in desperate need to feel that growth. To connect somehow. To let him or her know that Martin and I are thinking all the time about our little one. We think about baby all the time.

I think about holding you.
I think about touching your toes and fingers.
I think about the day that you will be with us, be home.
I think about who you will look like.
I think about looking into your eyes for the first time.
I dream about your cries...all the time!! Sometimes it wakes me up in the morning, the sound of your cry.
I dream about you knowing that I am your mommy, and that daddy is daddy.
I love you already.

I could go on and on.....instead I have decided that I will write a thought about our baby at the end of every post from now on. So that one day our little babe can read about just how much they meant to us, even at just 12 weeks.

This sadness of mine, is temporary, it is fleeting I know that. I don't care for it to stick around for much longer!! It is also not at all a reflection of how I feel about our surrogate Beth. My baby is in such great hands with her, I cannot ask for anything else. In all of my emptiness, she is so much salvation and relief. My saddness is my own, and as I said, I don't care for it to stick around for long.

199 Days to go....we're getting there!

I have been watching my little baby ticker, and today I see, is 199 until the due date. We're nearly at 12 weeks, only a few days away, and it feels great. Each day is better, and each day is easier. I just wanted to mark this day with a post. I don't have a lot to write about. Martin and I are very busy and seem to be trying to get a lot done in 2009! I have lists and lists, from the baby nursery, to the spare bedroom, to the nanny suite. There is so much to do, and some of the rooms will be started this month. We would like to make sure that everyone is comfortable, including the baby of course, but also our nanny (that will be a major part of our family for several years) as well as anyone else that wants to help out during that time....probably my mom!! So we have work to do. Furniture to buy. Rooms to design. But all work that I will love to do, as it represents the arrival of our little one.

The next few weeks marks some big mile stones. The 12 week screening next week, as well as the first prenatal appointment. I am looking forward to seeing Beth, since I have not seen her for about a month. It will be a great day again for us.

From there we will keep going as we are. Beth will continue being a mom to her 6 kids, and a wonderful surrogate to our baby. Martin and I will get our home ready for our babies arrival. I will celebrate my 30th birthday, which for a person with CF is a magnificent achievement. Martin will celebrate his 35. He's not as thrilled as I am to be turning 35, but I think it will be a great age for him too! Our baby will be born a few weeks after I turn 30. We will celebrate the christening of our baby a few months later, and hopefully have some special relatives from Poland arrive to celebrate with us.

I cannot imagine a better year, than 2009!!

What 2008 was, and what 2009 will hopefully be

Many people that I have spoken to during the past few weeks express that 2008 was a hard year for them. It certainly was a hard year for me. The funny part about hard times during your life, is that no matter how hard that time was, somehow your mind will filter and forget to it's best ability, and often something much better emerges from that memory. Even though you know deep inside that the pain was real, and true, and not to be repeated, somehow your mind changes how you remember that event. With each year that memory becomes softer and harder, and softer again.

2008 was full of challenges, yet Martin and I moved ahead more during this past year than any other. We began this year with so much to fix, so much to figure out. It seemed impossible to fix what needed fixing. There was so much that we did not understand, that we didn't even know where to start in understanding. Before anything got better, it seemed to get worse. Our minds, our senses, even our bodies were stressed, and there seemed to be no end to the path that we were on. Now, today, in hindsight, I see the path as clear as daylight. I see that one obstacle had to be cleared in order for us to move onto the next. One problem had to be understood in order to find it's solution, which only lead to another seemingly more complicated problem. Today I see 2008 as the beginning of something so wonderful that I would not have it happen in any other way. But I remember some of those moments clearly. Those dark moments of sadness and guilt. Pity and anger. Resentment and confusion. Yet somehow, as my mind plays tricks on me, it is only now that I see all those little pieces coming together and forming the beginning of quite an uplifting story. So, as I look back now, I would not have it happen in any other way. Not the past 12 months. Not the past 29 years. But I do, once in a while, remember some of those moments and feel a stillness come over me. A stillness of something so real that it brings on the pain of that long gone, and long-ago lived second.

This is what I take away from this, as I remember some of the sadness of my past. The knowledge that every part of my life, every pain, is meant to be in order to fill in the blanks to create the whole story. The whole picture. The whole dream. The whole now. Sometimes, this leads me to conclude that fearing what is ahead is completely irrational. Everything is going to turn out as it should. It will cost us only that which it should. Only that which will be necessary to get exactly where we are going, where we are meant to end up.

I think this is something that I will want to tell my children. Since their story started before they were even born. In fact, we can take their story back many decades. As far as we want to tell it. I think about the struggles that my mom and dad went through in raising a chronically sick child. The challenges that they faced, and the grace that beat the odds. My mom and dad got me through more than just the physical part of CF, but also the emotional part, which is often at par with the physical. But as my mind plays tricks on me again, I remember the lessons that I was to learn during those times. I remember feeling strong when I was weak, I remember understanding that my life may have been limited, but I was so lucky to still and always have options in that life. That's when my child's story began, when I learned at a very young age that I had options. For every one limitation, I had several options on how to overcome it. Those were, and still are very good odds. Hence, that is why I never thought that I would not have kids, there was always hope embedded in those options. Options that I learned about before there was a baby to be born, before there was a husband, or a wedding, or those wonderful moments that begun it all.

So, as one year came to an end, and another one began, I think of the time I wasted on worry and sorrow in the year that passed. I vow, in 2009, to think about the moment in which I am in, and the options that I have, and the lessons that are to be learned. Lessons which allow me to move forward into the future that is only a factor of that which just took place. Nothing else matters, and nothing is less perfect than the beauty of now.