Miracles everywhere we go!!

Miracles, that's how it all feels to me. Everything that is happening in my life right now, a miracle. Let me explain.

It's been about a month of me living with the notion that is it certainly, 100%, for sure time for transplant. It has not been an easy time. Physically I am very sick. Even with oxygen, I have to recover from a shower or bath, especially when I wash my hair. I have to recover from a walk up the stairs, longer if we go to the 3rd floor of the house. Walking is very hard, shopping lasts for about 30 minutes, so I do one errand a day generally. My appetite is a huge problem, as I keep losing weight. Vomiting after too much coughing, or just being really really nauseous is also a problem. I feel weak and tired, and much is attributed to my weight. My BMI (Body Mass Index) is for the first time in my life below normal, and hovers there or slightly better constantly. Up and down. Sometimes coughing alone makes me lose 5lbs. I have lost all my muscle in my legs, so they shake. Sometimes uncontrollably when I walk down the stairs, and it gets very scary and frustrating, since I used to be the girl with the muscles in her legs...I worked on those legs. Life is very different, and my body seems to be saying no more of this. My mind has been saying this for years.

Emotionally I am better now than a month ago. I think things take time to settle when it comes to such dramatic life changes and choices. The first few days even just post hospital stay, were really hard. I feel like I want to do things the way that I did them, but I can't, and for some reason my head can't get used to that. Then I just get angry at myself that I can't just get over it and let things go right now. Not for ever, just right now. Get used to the idea that I can't do this, and that and the other thing that I want to be doing. I have to rely on other people to do the chores and the life things that I miss so much. I am not talking about going out with friends, or to the cottage, or any other normal 29 year old activities, since those I have not been able to do comfortably for years and years, I am talking about clean the house, make dinner, and take care of things in my life. That's what I want back the most. To be productive and the person that I am meant to be.

Anyhow, that has been the past month. So many things wrong and twisted that there's not enough room on this page to describe them all. So many things not like they could ever be imagined in our young marriage. But, here come the miracles....

During all this turmoil and grief, little tiny signs started to pop out all around us. One after the other. Websites like this for instance:

http://www.recycleme.org/

I saw an interview about this website and the launch of this campaign in Ontario the day that I decided that transplant was for me. And once I make my mind up, for those of you how know me, know I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. That afternoon I was watching the news and saw the launch of this amazing campaign to help young people spread the world about organ donation in our province! Wow I thought, I got chills. What timing. When I went to the website, I was moved, not only for obvious reasons, but also since I think it's brilliant! Something government-related being this creative and amazing is unheard of. I love it! The timing moved me, I think it's a miracle!!

Soon after, whenever my mom and I were out collecting baby items all around Toronto, we would see these great ads on billboards, the side of urban buildings, bus stops, EVERYWHERE!! They look like old school comic books, and are interesting, funny, and well designed. One day we saw one where ever we went, and it sent chills down my spine. Signs! It's a sign! And a miracle....

Last night I saw a documentary on and by Michael J Fox. Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, and it made me cry. It was moving, it was smart, and it showed a now quite visibly ill M.J.Fox while struggling to regain control over his body, leading such an incredible life filled with love for his wife, his children, and his purpose. It made me think about my situation, and made it clear to me that the choices that we have made to live our lives as any other newly wed couple was the right choice. Not that I ever doubted myself, I have not, but it was a sense of peace that I got. Michael said at one point, that life is not about winning, it's about accepting yourself, that's where hope comes from. And I thought about that. That's where hope comes from, that acceptance. I agree in so many ways. Martin and I accept what we cannot control, and that's where our hope comes from, since it gives us freedom in every other thing in our lives. Michael also said something else that I really loved. He made a wonderful connection between creativity and hope. And when I think about it, I think he's right. When I paint or draw, it's the only time that I forget and am liberated from my worry and my disability. It is the ultimate hope for me. That time. It gives me the feeling that if I can lose myself in such a way in a drawing, in that creative moment, it means there is hope for greater relief and greater beauty, and just GREATER! M.J.Fox says that music is the soundtrack to optimism and hope. I think that's a powerful statement. I feel that hope walking through a gallery of the masters in Paris, or through the new AGO by Frank Gehry.

The rest of my little miracles that have been amazing me during this time, have been my friends. So many people reaching out to me. Friends that I have had for years and years that have never left my side, those that are quite new, those that I meet along the way that help energize me on a bad day. I feel, truly, even though the world may think I'm crazy, that some energy, call it god, is placing objects, people, and situations in my life right now to pick me up and allow me to get through this time. A time, let's be honest, that in it's darkest moment is darker than black. To allow me to have the things that I have fought so hard for in my life, the Independence that I have gained over 29 years, and hold them together for me until I am ready again to take them over sometime soon. This is a miracle. I have no doubt about it. A miracle so clear to my soul, that I cannot keep it to myself.

To those out there struggling right now with life, with death, with hardship and grief, you can find success in every situation. Success, in my eyes, is found in choice. And you always have a choice to be positive, to be hopeful and to be optimistic. Success is choice. Choice is hope. I choose to live in Hope.